The soldier I mentioned in my last blog four years ago just published a book. As I was looking back to see when I had first sent him a message and connected with him about sharing his story, I found the link to that blog. I re-read it and found myself feeling all of the emotions. Sometimes it's hard to remember times that I wrote about and other times it's as if I was still living in the moment. Sometimes it feels like I'm reading someone else's words, until the memories come flooding back and I remember.
I read the intro to Tyler's book and found myself feeling like I was reading my own words. That was a very different experience. I had never found someone who truly understands or "gets it," until Tyler. The craziest part is that we have never met face to face and are complete and total strangers. Quite literally the only thing that we know about each other is that we have had a similar journey through PTSD and all of the other stuff that comes with it. And what's even weirder is, that's enough.
I wanted to update from the above blog, now that it has been 4+ years. But as I read it, I really don't know what to say. I still feel like I'm living in two different worlds. I still feel like I'm drowning in the sea some days. But there are other days when I get to see a few of the ripples. The other day I got to see one of the 9/11 kids I hadn't seen in 20 years. He is now in the Air Force reserves and yet, immediately, he knew who I was and let me know he remembered me and the programs I had developed to help kids like him. Another sent me a photo from her academy graduation and said she was going to be a firefighter in the same house where her dad served on 9/11. She thanked me for inspiring her to go after her dreams. Some of the names and faces have faded over time, but somehow they still remember. It's enough to know that I made a difference in the life of at least a handful of kids.
I didn't go back to NYC for the anniversary, but we did go this past December for the firehouse Christmas party. We didn't go down to the site or the memorial, and a lot of the guys from 2001 were no longer around the firehouse. I did see a handful of them, but it was different. Time has changed all of us. However, we are still connected by one of our darkest days, and that bond is forever. There was no talk of 9/11, no emotional reunions, no indication that we had been a part of that story together. There were a few jabs at how horrible I was at staying in touch and how I'd been a stranger for too many years. They got it though. They knew why I disappeared. That day wasn't about the past though. It was just a focus on the here-and-now. The only thing related to 9/11 that was discussed was when we asked about each other's health and how we were holding up. We're all sick. We're all dealing with stuff. But we don't want to talk about why. I battled with going to NY and letting any of them see me because I knew I looked different thanks to the toll the illness was taking on my body. When I got there I realized it wasn't just me. We were all aging not so gracefully.
I found a way to combat the chaos that was happening 4 years ago. I went on a 2 year medical leave of absence from teaching in KCS and found myself teaching instead at a local college. While there I ended up working in the outdoor program they have on campus, which took me back to my happy days working in camps and outdoor ed back in VA and NC. Each and every day I walked onto the campus to teach, lead a ropes course or facilitate the climbing tower, I gave thanks to God for moving me out of the stress and into this new environment. I still feel that way every single time I go to work there. I also added in teaching online at a second college, and now that I am home more and enjoying my jobs, I am feeling a lot less stress. Unfortunately, I just found myself injured after over-doing it a bit this summer. I'm floundering a bit being stuck at home and held back from doing the things I love. The craziest thing was that the day that I blew out my knee and the chaos erupted around me, I got home and found Tyler's book on my front porch. I laughed outright at the irony. His book, by the way, is Forged in Chaos. How's that for timing? I had to laugh and shake my head. So did my kids. It was just perfect. I've found it both hard to pick up and read the book and hard to put it down when I start reading. It's going to be interesting to see how I handle it when I get the whole way through it. Right now it feels a little too personal and close to home - which is so weird since a stranger wrote it. So hard to explain. I'll post a new blog when I finish the book.
