Who's to Blame? Who's got the Solution?

Another school shooting. Another community ripped apart. Another group of young, innocent lives taken way too soon.

Enter the debaters and critics. Immediately everyone runs to point fingers. "It's because of guns. We need gun control." "It's because of health care system is dysfunctional and doesn't help those with mental illness get the help they need." "It's because of poor parenting." "It's because of lack of security in schools." And on. And on. And on.

One of the first reactions from many schools was limiting access to the school - to parents. Let's look at this for a minute. A parent sends his or her son to a building filled with other children and a handful of staff every day for 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. The parent is not allowed into the building, can't tell you what his child's class looks like, doesn't know where in the classroom his child sits, can't tell you anything about the child's teacher or his/her style of teaching, and doesn't know what the child is being taught, told, exposed to or witnessing up to 35 hours a week. Anyone think maybe that could be a problem???

I can vividly remember parents in my elementary school. They came to help with class projects and field trips. They were there on field day. They were there for birthdays and holidays. They were there checking with the teacher to see if she needed anything or if their child was behaving. They were very visible in our school. Kids behaved. Why? Because if their parent wasn't there, someone else's parent was - and our parents actually communicated back then. Every parent helped look out for every child in that class - and in the school. They helped control behavior, they helped kids work out problems, they helped clean up spills and tidy up desks, they took kids to the office for a Band-Aid or stomach ache, they helped kids learn and grow - they were there and an instrumental part in the child's education. We had less problems - even in a very volatile neighborhood - because we had a huge parent presence in and around the school. People in the neighborhood saw large amounts of adults - parents, teachers and administrators - surrounding the kids at all times.

Let's go back to guns. The same week as the shooting in the CT school there was another shooting in a mall. The gunman aimed to kill as many as possible, but a good guy with a gun stopped him before he could kill more than 2. Guns don't kill people. Evil people kill people.

Mental health? This is actually a very good reason that needs to be addressed. It's not the only reason or problem, but it is definitely a contributing factor. Having worked for a couple of years in an in-patient psychiatric hospital, and for several other years with special needs and at-risk youth, I've seen firsthand how inadequate mental health care in America is. How do we fix it? I don't know. But it needs to be looked at.

Poor parenting? Maybe. Maybe not. A parent cannot control every single thing their child does. Nor can they anticipate the child they gave birth to ever growing up to do something so horrific. If parenting is the problem, why aren't we helping new parents more? Why aren't there more resources out there and readily available for moms and dads who need a hand?

There is no one reason for anything like the Newtown shooting. Incidents like this happen for a combination of reasons and typically have many factors involved.

What are the solutions and answers to these events? Like the reasons, there needs to be a variety of solutions and answers. Get parents back into the schools and involved. Stop blaming and pointing fingers and be part of the solution. Provide better mental health care and parenting resources. Instead of limiting guns and keeping them from people, let them be used to stop these evil people. Put security in school to keep those not affiliated with the school away.

You cannot possibly stop every incident from happening. It is impossible to dream up every possible scenario and make a plan to stop it. It's just not going to happen. Overreacting and putting rules and laws into place are not going to stop the problem - and could actually make the problems worse. Simply get more involved and more alert. See something - say something. Be proactive. Surround our kids with attentive, loving, caring and trustworthy adults who give them a sense of protection and structure. It truly does take a village to raise a child. BE a villager. BE actively involved. Surround the kids and communities with GOOD.

 

****I've already been asked why I didn't put God into this discussion. Trust me - I want to. I think He is the ONLY answer to all of the questions and problems and concerns. However, that's another point for another blog.****

Joy to the World

"Joy to the world..."

For the life of me I could not figure out how that song got stuck in my head exactly two weeks to the hour that Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy hit my city with a devastating blow. It was especially curious since I was in no frame of mind to think about the Christmas season with all its commerciality while I was working with children who would have anything but a typical "merry" Christmas this year. Yet the song just popped into my head as I tucked my kids into bed and continued playing on repeat as I went about my nightly routine of straightening up the house and readying for the next day.

"Joy to the world... the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King... let every heart prepare Him room..."

Yes, the Lord has definitely made His power and presence known in this city lately. When a group of us had discussed the strong feeling that God was about to do something BIG here on Staten Island, a hurricane wasn't exactly what we expected. However, watching person after person search for and find Him in the storm's wake brought an immeasurable joy. There was no doubt in His power with the fierceness of the storm that hit. There was no doubt of His ability to perform miracles as story after story of "near-misses" emerged. There was indeed joy when our King was received - despite the circumstances that brought it about.

"Joy to the world, the Savior reigns... let men their songs employ... while fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains... repeat the sounding joy..."

When our Savior reigns, there is joy that cannot diminish or fade away, no matter what circumstances surround us. There is a woman here on Staten Island with a young daughter who lost everything. Their home literally floated away down the street with all of their belongings in it. Yet the woman and her child were smiling, and the mom kept saying "It's okay, I know God has a plan. I'm honored to be a part of His plan. I know bigger blessings are coming than the ones that just washed away." The Savior reigned in her life and despite the fact that everything was gone except for her life and the life of her child, she was filled with joy and anticipation of the blessings to come.

"No more let sins and sorrows grow... nor thorns infest the ground... He comes to make His blessings flow..."

He punishes us for our sins. As a loving Father, He must. He wants to bless us with better things. He wants us to turn from things of this earth and seek things of greater value - His things. When we let go of our earthly desires and treasures, we can fully see His gifts. As we let go of our material things we find joy in the things that really matter. As we walk away from our sin He blesses us and brings greater joy than we could have ever imagined. Sometimes He moves and allows things to happen to get our attention back on Him and on the things of eternity. He reminds us that life here on earth is temporary and fleeting. There are greater things yet to come for those who believe.

"He rules the world with truth and grace... and makes the nations prove... the glories of His righteousness... and wonders of His love..."

When the Truth rules with Grace, there is great joy. When He is allowed to rule over all - His truth, His mercies, His will, His grace, His discipline, His love - the joy cannot be matched. There is no greater joy than living in His truth and grace. His glory is revealed when His people respond to trials and tragedies with the same love and compassion that He has shown us. We give Him honor and praise when we serve in His name - showing His power and majesty to the world. After the superstorm, Staten Island was not immediately assisted by the government, by the big-name agencies or by the military. The city was assisted by the people and the church. The body of Christ moved together in unity to reach out and help every person it could. Neighbor helped neighbor - even strangers. Staten Island relied on God and His people to bring help, rescue, care and restoration. Every hand that is reaching out to help another is visually demonstrating His love and compassion. Every gift that is given speaks of His grace and mercy. People are bringing joy to others with His truth and grace.

"JOY to the WORLD"

I guess He was trying to remind me that no matter what is going on, there is "joy unspeakable that won't go away" in my life. Which brought me to my next thought (song). I don't have to worry about tomorrow because He's already there. He's already taking care of what's to come. In faith, I can fully count on Him - and be filled with His joy and peace.

"Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength to live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God
I am counting on
I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me
Is the mystery that sets me free
I'm nothing like I used to be
Just open up your eyes, you'll see

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength to live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God
I am counting on
I am counting on God" (Desperation Band)

Yes, I am counting on God. And I will keep singing for joy as I wait.

Aurora CO Theatre 9 - God was still in control

Instead of posting a blog with my thoughts about last night's shooting, I wanted to share this blog from a mom of teens who was there and lived it.

It's powerful. Read it. Share it.

http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god/

Best Mom EVER - but not as good as God

"Mommy - you should be everyone's mom."

Nothing could have prepared me for that impromtu compliment from one of my seven year old boys. Especially since he'd just come out from time out after getting in trouble for fighting with his brother.

"Aww... thank you... I will take that as a compliment," I said.

"You should Mommy. It was. You are the best mom in the world."

Now I'm wondering what he wants. Seriously. What is he buttering me up for now? Even better was his brother suddenly agreeing with him with a "Yeah Mom - you're the best!"

Um... excuse me... who are you and where are the two boys who were just mad at me for sending them to time out?

I gave both boys a hug and kiss, said thank you, and got back to fixing dinner. Meanwhile I'm thinking how awesome God is to give me such verbal reassurance through my seven year olds during a time when I'm struggling to find my footing as a mom. Since Abby's birth almost six weeks ago I've been on a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions of everything from "I'm the worst mom ever" and "how in the world do other moms of four or more kids make it look so easy" to "That wasn't so bad - I survived that" and "OK - maybe I can do this - eventually." Daily I'm begging God to give me the strength, patience, stamina and energy to get through providing just the basic of needs for all four children and my spouse. To hear a message that I'm doing okay - especially so loud and clear - was such a soothing, comforting hug for my heart.

Later, just to keep me humble, the same son comes up to me and says, "You know Mommy, you're great, but you're not as good as God." I had to laugh. I told him, "You are absolutely right! I'm not even close to being as good as God!" Then I laughed again. The other son, with a serious expression on his face, looks at me and says, in a very serious tone, "Mommy, it's not funny. You may not be God, but you are the best mom ever." I tried to muffle my laughter, conceal my smile and acknowledge his thoughts and feelings on the matter.

After tucking everyone snugly in their beds I went to say just a simple "thank you" to my Father for giving me such amazing blessings. No matter how tired I am, how frustrated I get, or how big of a failure I feel like at times, ultimately He is the main parent in this whole relationship, and as long as I keep turning to Him and turning my children's' faces to Him, it's all going to be OK. He's still "got this."

Don't worry - He's got this

Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of everything I'm doing at one time I have to laugh. I can only imagine what anyone looking in on me would think. For instance - I was working on a doctorate level paper, listening to the sound of Bambi playing on TV in the background, watching the clock to make sure I didn't miss the bus, texting a friend, and timing labor contractions. Yep. All at the same time. And that's not unusual in my world. Well - other than the contractions. Welcome to my life - crazy as it may be.

Last night I fell victim to one of the devil's nastiest little tricks - fear. I was overwhelmed with the what if's and I can'ts. I was looking at the weekend with the wrong eyes. My husband was leaving for a week in FL, I was having contractions and had just been told Wednesday "any time now" about our baby girl's soon arrival. My family and friends are hours away. My husband's family is busy with work, the failing health of a couple of older members, and a scheduled family party on Sunday. My "reinforcements" - AKA - friends who are willing to drop everything in their lives and come and stay for a week or two to help out - aren't scheduled to arrive until late Monday at the earliest. Nothing is going according to our well thought-out plans and agenda. Just as I was about to hit the big panic button a post popped up on Facebook. It was a simple picture that read "You worry too much. I have this. Remember? Love, God." I just started laughing through the tears that were threatening to overtake me. His timing is perfect. So is His humor. Then I got to thinking...

If His timing is so perfect with a simple word of encouragement or a reminder of His control in all this chaos of life - how much more perfect is His timing with something bigger and more consuming - like the arrival of a baby or caring for the needs of His children? Yes - my plans are being changed and the perfect timing in my vision is way off. But - in His timing - it's all right on schedule. In His plan there isn't a "what if" or any "oops." He totally has this whole weekend under control. It's been fine all along. What went wrong was my focus strayed and my doubts started to shout louder than His truths stored in my heart, mind and soul.

Another post on Facebook popped up. Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" song.
     "Don't worry about a thing,
     'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
     Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
     'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Another friend sent me a reminder via text - "The battle's already been won. The victory is ours. Stop stressing. It's all already okay in the end."

By the time I fell into bed last night I was consumed with a peace beyond any comprehension. I knew I could end up at the hospital giving birth at any moment - with or without someone there with me - and it was all OK. I knew I could have to deal with leaving my other three kids with someone at the spur of the moment and would have to trust that they were being well taken care of while I was in the hospital. But it was OK. It wasn't scary anymore.

When I woke up this morning I had several surprises in store. First, my sister-in-law had the day off and took my boys to school. Worry one gone. Over. Erased. Non-existent. Then when she came home she took my Emma and me out to breakfast. That's one way to keep Emma occupied for a couple of hours without me having to chase her around the house cleaning up after her two-year-old wave of destruction. Worry two gone. Over. Done. During breakfast my sister-in-law and I managed to come up with a "plan of action" for the weekend - just in case. Worries three through a million - gone. Over. Invisible. I literally took a deep breath and thought "Thanks God. You did it again. You proved again that I was wrong to doubt and right to let it all go last night. You proved again that You were already many steps ahead of me. I'm sorry I let fear creep in again."

Overnight I had messages from the most unexpected people filled with encouragement and even offers of help. Two people I never dreamed of even used the words "if anything happens or you need anything, call me. I'll be there." Some people's paths crossed mine in the past 24 hours that were so far beyond my imagination it just blew my mind. Didn't surprise Him though - He had them there ready for the exact moment they were needed.

It's funny how many times we have to learn the same lessons over and over - and sometimes out of the blue, when we least expect it. But I wouldn't trade the learning experience for anything - because it was another moment of me growing closer to my Father and learning to trust even more. The feeling of being safely tucked inside the shelter of His arms is totally worth it.

So what's worrying you today? What do you need to let go of and trust Him for? Don't worry so much. He's got this. Remember?

God is ready to move on Staten Island but the church is standing in His way.

Yes - I just said that. And I'll say it again. GOD IS READY TO MOVE ON STATEN ISLAND, BUT THE CHURCH IS STANDING IN HIS WAY.


Before you church leaders get all up in arms about that statement, let me explain.


Conversation #1 -
Youth speaker - "Do you go to a church here on the island?"
Teen girl - (laughing) "Yeah, right. Like any church wants to see someone like ME walk through their door."
Youth speaker - "Have you tried it?"
Teen girl - "Once. Went with my girlfriend. They told us to take our lesbian selves back out the door and keep that disgusting behavior out of their building."
Youth speaker - "What behavior?"
Teen girl - "Dunno. Wasn't like we were holding hands or kissing or anything. We just walked in together. Kid from our school introduced us as (name) and her girlfriend (name) and the guy went nuts."
Youth speaker - "Did you stay or leave?"
Teen girl - "We left. It was obvious we weren't good enough for them. Why stay where we aren't wanted?"
Youth speaker - "Did you ever try going to a different church?"
Teen girl - "Nope. They're all the same. All these goodie-goodie Christians and their perfectionism. No room for people like me."


Conversation #2 -
Pastor - "Our youth group is up and moving. We love to see them making a difference out there."
Youth Speaker - "What was the last mission project your kids did?"
Pastor - "Oh, they don't do missions."
Youth Speaker - "OK. What was the last ministry they led?"
Pastor - "Oh, they don't lead ministry. We minister to them. They don't minister to anyone."
Youth Speaker - "So how are they reaching their lost friends and classmates? How exactly are they out there making a difference?"
(Pastor stares in silence looking puzzled and ashamed)


Conversation #3 -
Youth Speaker - "There is a conference that is making a huge impact on teens taking place in (state). What would you say about bringing something like that here to Staten Island?"
Youth Minister - "That sounds awesome. But impossible."
Youth Speaker - "Why?"
Youth Minister - "Our church won't spend money, especially on the children or youth. We couldn't host an event like that."
Youth Speaker - "What if the costs were completely covered?"
Youth Minister - "We wouldn't be allowed to host it. They make us stay in the multipurpose room in the basement. We can't let the youth use the church other than that."
Youth Speaker - "So we'll let the band play in multipurpose room in the basement. They won't mind."
Youth Minister - "No. The church won't let our youth have something like that in the building."
Youth Speaker - "What if the event was held somewhere else here on the island?"
Youth Minister - "No one would come. At least not from here. It's all we can do to get them here to our church."
Youth Speaker - "When is the last time you tried to take the youth to an event outside of the church?"
Youth Minister - "Never."
Youth Speaker - "Would you be willing to try?"
Youth Minister - "There's no use. Our youth wouldn't go. They wouldn't care. They would have every excuse."
Youth Speaker - "But would you be willing to try?"
Youth Minister - "What's the point? If we can't reach them on Sundays how can we get them to do something any other day?"
Youth Speaker - "Will you try?"
Youth Minister - "No. It's too much of a hassle."


Conversation #4 -
Youth Speaker - "What church do you go to?"
12 year old girl - "Oh, we don't go to church. We don't need fairy tales like Jesus to help us. We do fine on our own. As you can see. (points to house around her)
Youth Speaker - "Do you ever wonder if Jesus is more than a fairy tale?"
12 year old girl - "What do you mean? Dad said Jesus is like Santa - just something that little kids believe in until they are old enough to know better."
Youth Speaker - "What if I told you that Jesus is very real and I talk to Him every day?"
12 year old girl - "I'd say you were weird. Jesus is just a myth. Everyone knows that."


Conversation #5 -
Teacher (public school) - "What is truth?"
Various students in class - "Something that's real." "Something you know is right." "Something that is always the same." "Whatever is right." "That depends on the person."
Teacher - "How do you know if something is true?"
Student replies - "Someone proves it."
Teacher - "Where do you go to learn the truth - or to prove it?"
Students - "Friends." "School." "Family." "Books." "You try it."
Teacher - "What if it's not a truth and you try it?"
Student replies - "Who cares? Everyone has to find out for themselves anyway. It's not like there is one right truth that is for everyone."
Teacher - "How do you know?"
(No answers from the class)
Teacher - "What if someone told you there was one truth, one right way and one absolute in life - and they were able to show you examples from a book that proved their point?"
Student replies - "They'd be full of (explicit). That's like church stuff. No one can prove it. There isn't just one right way of anything. We all decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong."
Teacher - "What if your right isn't the same as my right?"
Student replies - "It's called tolerance. Isn't that what they teach us? We agree to disagree and move on. Or we fight it out if people keep hounding us 'bout it."
Teacher - "If one person says it's right, but everyone else around them says it's wrong, who's right?"
Students - "The ones saying it's wrong."
Teacher - "Really? What if I told you the one person was the only one with proof?"
Student replies - "He's still outnumbered. Go with the majority."
Teacher - "If the majority says that killing someone is right, but one person says it's wrong, do you still go with the majority?"
(silence)
Teacher - "If the majority says that stealing is ok, but one person says it's wrong, is the majority right? Or the one?"
(silence)
Finally one student speaks up and says - "Doesn't it depend on the situation and the person?"




These are just five of the hundreds of conversations that have taken place over the past eight months. Hundreds of teens and those who work with them who can't define truth, who don't know right from wrong, who don't care or have the time to care, and who can't say what church is for. Church leaders and youth who pass judgment on the lost but don't reach out to show them the truth. Parents who give up on their kids and ignore the problems, turning a blind eye and deaf ear to the cries for help.


In the past eight months alone I've had eleven speakers, bands, musicians, and event coordinators ask me if I can help them bring their event to a church here on Staten Island. Not one has been successful. Not one church has said yes. Not one church has opened their door. Not once has a single church leader been willing to try. People want to reach our youth. The church isn't letting them help.


Let's take it a step further.


In one town, a 15 year old rallies her classmates to stand up against bullying and helps her school develop a zero-tolerance policy against it.


On Staten Island, one 15 year old is bullied to the point that she chooses to jump in front of a bus to kill herself because no one took the time to hear her pleas for help. Another 15 year old has round-the-clock police protection and has to be homeschooled because of death threats made by bullying classmates. A school principal says "that's not my problem." A parent says "I had no idea." A teacher says "I'm not allowed to get involved." A youth leader says "I can't do or say anything about what happens at school." A pastor says "she never asked me for help." A police officer says "We are limited as to what we can do. We can't protect every kid who says they are being bullied."


In one town, a 15 year old boy organizes his youth group to deliver meals and clothing to the homeless people in his neighborhood, and helps develop a back-to-work program through his church so the homeless people will have an income and shelter to get through the winter.


On Staten Island, a group of teenagers goes out tormenting and torturing local homeless people, taking their meager possessions and torching them, beating the homeless and leaving them helpless on the street, and videotaping it as a mockery to put online.


In one town, a 15 year old girl and her mother go to the children's hospital once a week to read books and play games with the kids on the cancer ward.


On Staten Island, one 15 year old throws her newborn baby in a dumpster while another beats her one-year-old to death.


In one town, a 16 year old boy refuses to drive his girlfriend home because he doesn't want to risk temptation.


On Staten Island, a 16 year old boy is trying to figure out which girl will be his next tally mark.


In one town, a 15 year old asks a store owner if they can carry some less revealing clothing that is still fashionable.


On Staten Island, a 15 year old just busted for prostitution asks "why is it so wrong for me to sell my body to make money to go to college and get out of this dump? It's my body!"


Where are we going wrong? Why are the youth of Staten Island making the news for all the wrong reasons? Why are they out there hurting, bullying, and killing others? Why aren't they showing any remorse for their negative behavior?


Those 15 year olds from other towns that were used as examples - they are all active in their church youth groups, have parents who spend time with them and communicate with them, and have other adult role models in their lives teaching them right from wrong. Here on Staten Island, you are more likely to find a group of moms out partying together and caught up in the latest TV drama instead of home spending time with their kids and teens. Here on Staten Island you are more likely to find dads who are out there working mulitple jobs to make ends meet and who couldn't tell you the birthdays of their kids, much less what they've done that day.


When will it end?


When the adults of Staten Island take a stand FOR their children and youth. When teachers start giving praise and encouragement and stop allowing bullying in their classrooms. When principals set zero-tolerance policies and work to show the students they actually care about them as individuals. When youth ministers and church leaders stop coming up with excuses and start getting out there in the neighborhoods showing kids they care. When Christian adults stop hiding in their costly, elaborate church buildings and homes, and start investing time in the lives of the kids they come in contact with. When our kids and teens see that there are places of refuge they can go to find the Truth, get encouragement, find help when they need it and where they can be themselves. 


If you are an adult on Staten Island who has any contact whatsoever with kids and/or teens, you have a choice to make. You can get on board with reaching out, changing things, and making a difference, or you can kindly get out of the way so the rest of us can.


If you are a church leader or youth minister, you too have a choice to make. You can stay hidden away in your buildings praying for kids to come to you, or you can get out there and reach the kids where they are, and stop blocking attempts by others to reach the youth of Staten Island. I don't care what denomination you are, what your church's budget is, what degree or background you have, or if you are ordained or not - if you are tired of seeing our youth die tragically because they have lost all hope and the knowledge of right and wrong, NOW is the time to take action. How many more teens do we have to lose before you accept your God-given responsibility to reach out to the ones who are left here? Get out of your church office and out there on the streets. Talk to these teens. Find out what they want, what they need, where they are, and how to best help them. They want to talk. I have yet to find a teen here on Staten Island who doesn't want to answer my questions or tell me about their life. Not one teen in the past eight months has refused to speak to me - on the trains, in the stores, walking down the street, at the bus stop, in the parks or on my block. They are willing to talk, ask questions and hear what you have to say. Are you willing to meet them on their turf?


God is ready to move here on Staten Island.

Church, either get with the program, or get out of His way.