I had some major hesitation about going to the gym this morning. Though it was hard to admit - I was scared. Really scared.
My boys were running late, which meant I was a few minutes late. I went upstairs dreading the hour ahead. That's not my normal mindset in going to PT. It was really hot and humid outside and I knew things were not looking good for an outdoor run. I slept better last night, but still felt tired and sore. As expected, the trainer said same thing about the heat and humidity, and put me on the Cybex for a mile to "warm up." Um. Yeah. Warm up. At level 7 and 80% incline. I felt like I climbed a mountain. "Warm up." Anyways.
Then he told me that I was going to go outside and run one lap of the loop trail (which is a 1 mile loop). I was to take it easy, keep in tune with my body, and focus on staying slow and using intervals to take walk breaks. As he is explaining this, I got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Finally, I asked him "aren't you coming with me.? He said no. I almost refused to go. I stood there shaking my head no for a full minute. The whole point of them controlling and limiting my physical activity is because I tend to overdo it and push through no matter what my body is telling me. It's 99 degrees and humid out - and I haven't been able to regulate my body temp for months - and you want me to go outside and run a mile - by myself?
It took some convincing, but I finally headed outside. I had a million negative thoughts going through my brain - what if I go too fast, what if I get sick again, what if I make things worse, what if I get overheated, what if I pass out and I'm by myself, what if ...
I started to run before the thoughts could turn me around.
I saw the 0.1 marker. Then 0.2. I thought, "I'm okay." Then I was ready to walk at 0.25. But then I realized - that's what my normal intervals would be on a slow, long run. Run for 2 1/2 minutes, walk for 30 seconds, run again. Apparently my body didn't know I'd taken 9 months off from running and had the internal pace clock working perfectly. So I walked, counting to 30, then ran again. Pass 0.4, 0.5, realized there was absolutely NO shade, I was running in direct sunlight, my water was inside, it was hot and I was starting to feel the past 2 weeks of workouts. I started walking and counting slowly to 30, then ran again. I got to 0.75 and thought "OK - I'm getting really hot. I need to stop. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to go inside." I started having a battle in my head. But then I was in shade for a brief moment and convinced myself that I could absolutely go 0.25 more and that I was not dying. I crossed the 1 mile marker. And...
nothing.
No excitement. No relief. No joy. No emotion. Nothing. I just started walking towards the door to the gym, hoping to get my water and back into AC before my body figured out what just happened.
I went in, stretched, and talked about the run with the trainer. Once I cooled a bit and rehydrated, he said to go get my swimsuit on and get ready to swim. Wait. What? Our hour is up. I'm done. Apparently, the PT and the MD joined heads and said that I was responding way more favorably to the workouts than anticipated, and they wanted to push me a bit today. Of course - of all days I woke up late, skipped breakfast, and was exhausted. But, I did as ordered.
I thought this was going to be a nice, easy swim. Ha. One mile in 30 minutes later, I was actually worn out and shocked. Since when can I endure a mile run, followed by a fast 1 mile swim? I normally either run or swim - not both on the same day. My boys watched me swimming and commented on my speed. They asked if I was swimming instead of running because of the heat. When I told them, no, I already did 1 mile on the outdoor track and a mile on the Cybex, their faces were as shocked as I felt. I can tell you that my arms hurt - from weights yesterday and today's efforts. I could feel them with every stroke in the pool. My legs, surprisingly, weren't sore at all. My ankle was still a little tender, but not bothering me. I was tired though. Really tired. So I asked if we were done after the swim. We were.
I somehow pulled myself out of the pool, went to the locker to get my stuff and then headed back to the pool to meet Don, who had brought Emma and Abby to their practices. I took over with them while Don took the boys home. By "took over," I mean I gave Emma to her coach and collapsed in a nearby chair to watch Abby play in the shallow end with a friend.
I sat and watched swim practice for an hour and then gathered the girls and their belongings and headed home. I can't remember much from the hour. I just stared at the pool and reviewed over and over how I'd just done a mile run outside, followed by a fast mile in the pool, and I was still alive and feeling okay. There was still no emotion. Just trying to process it and figure out how I went from not being able to do anything, to accomplishing both feats in one morning.
Now, don't get too excited. The PT estimated that my mile took about 12-12 1/2 minutes. I am nowhere near ready to run a 5K, much less a 10K or half-marathon. Nor am I anywhere near my normal 10-10 1/2 minute mile. But, I know that I can run and survive a mile at least - even if it's 100 degrees out.
When we got home I got everyone fed and jumped in the shower. As soon as the cold water hit, I felt the same aching pain in the area where my kidneys are. I froze and fear started to take over. I finished the shower and called the MD. She reassured me that I was fine, that I needed to make sure I kept drinking water, eat something, and avoid sugar and salt for a few hours. She said she would see me Thursday when I went in for labs, and that I should not stress or worry. She told me to enjoy my 4th, get in a bike ride or paddling - something fun that wouldn't have high impact - for my workout Wednesday, and to keep stretching. I know I shouldn't let fear win, but I can't ignore the nagging ache and thoughts that maybe we pushed too far too fast. But, since there isn't anything I can do about it right now, I'm going to try to ignore the fear and follow her instructions. I really hope she's right - that it's nothing and everything's fine. I really want to be able to go run again. I really want go enjoy a run, without fear or an invasion of scary thoughts the entire time. I actually wonder if I will ever be able to relax and enjoy a run again, or if this whole thing has made me too cautious and fearful. But - then again - I have two races in 2019 with my name already on them, so I have to at least try. One day at a time... right?
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