Self Defeat

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had a really awful run. I was bored with my normal route, so decided to change it up a bit. I had no idea what I was getting into.

It started out fine. I left my house feeling ready. I got 1/2 a mile down the road and then my watch decided to let me know it hadn't started. The frustration over the fact that I had just done a really smooth, consistent 1/2 a mile that wouldn't count for anything was the first jab. I quickly got over it and convinced myself I could just explain and fix it later. Kept going. Felt okay. Wasn't the best but I thought if I could just get to the new connection I was heading towards running, I could take a walk break there. That would put me about a mile and a half in.

I made the first turn out of the neighborhood and just felt it was not going to be a great run. I decided to take a walk interval so I could last the rest of the 3 miles. So I walked a minute, then right back into the groove. My first mile was 12:36. Well, technically my first 1.5 miles was in 16:55. But since the first 1/2 mile didn't count.... the first mile my watched actually measured was 12:36. Exactly where I was supposed to be.

Only, I wasn't feeling great. I wasn't getting into a smooth groove. So I took another walk interval. I started hearing myself beating myself up. The negative talk kept coming. I started telling myself "it's fine - GO" "You're FINE" "It's okay - do what you can" - but it was tough.

Second turn from the next neighborhood to turn into the 3rd neighborhood. Uh oh. That was a monster hill. I psyched myself up and promised a walk break at the top. Only I could only see the first half of the hill when I thought that. I made it up the first half and with a sob, slowed to a walk. I literally crawled up the rest of that steep devil.  I was near tears by the time I reached the top. If this was any indication of how the Anthem 10K was going to go, climbing up Mill Mountain, I was in deep trouble. That hill kicked my butt. Big time. I couldn't even start running again when I reached the top and turned onto the street. It took a while before I felt like I could go again. The entire time the negative thoughts were engaged in an all-out battle with the forced positive ones.

I knew a downhill was coming and willed myself to just start jogging slow. I managed to get into a smoother run. I made it down to the next turn and turned onto the block I'd been running for weeks. But I was still near tears. Two miles hit. It was a 13:27. Honestly, this was right near where I was supposed to be for this run, and wasn't horrible. But at the moment, it felt like a disaster.

I went into run:walk intervals a little more frequently to try to regroup. I got back into my neighborhood, made the first turn, then the second. As I started up the tiniest, slightest incline, I began feeling the sheer shooting nerve pain in my left foot, the sore muscles, the backache, the strains, and the stress. I hit the top of the little incline and almost at the exact moment, mile 3 beeped. It was a 13:15. It was a perfect time for my day's training plan. But I was miserable and burst into tears. It took me several seconds to pull it together so I could run, but I continued to spill tears as I ran. I didn't want to go another mile. I was tired. I was hating this run. I was done. But I kept going.

As I got back to the point I knew was 4 miles, my watch only read 3.5. I was irritable and knew it - so I just went ahead and did the extra 0.5 miles so my watch would say 4 miles. As I kept going I kept fighting the negative thoughts and trying to get myself pulled back in. I headed towards one of my favorite segments of most runs, and as my watch finally beeped for 4 miles, I had begun to calm a bit. Mile 4 was in 12:20. How? My last mile was my fastest? I guess I just wanted to finish.

I realized I had just gone 4.5 instead of 4, but I was so not ready to go home yet. I still needed time to calm down and pull it together. So I continued walking towards my favorite segment, and then looped back towards home. I calmed more and more as I went, and the nerve pain in my foot began to subside. I tried to stretch some muscles a bit as I walked. By the time I got home, I felt better, but was so incredibly frustrated with the "bad run."

When I plugged in and the data filled my screen, it showed that I had just done my second fastest 5K since returning to running 5 weeks ago. Again... How? It felt like the worst run ever. How is it possible that it was a "good" run based on the data? I was exactly where I was supposed to be pacing and timing wise. I did a decently consistent 4 miles. But I felt horrible about it.

A million thoughts ran through my mind as I stretched. Maybe I shouldn't have worked out at the gym yesterday. Maybe I was overdoing it. Maybe I was setting too high a goal to run a half-marathon again. Maybe the Anthem 10K was too much too soon. Maybe I should rethink this whole return-to-running thing. Maybe the doctors were right. Maybe I couldn't. Maybe I shouldn't.

As I'm writing this, I know I won't quit. I know I won't give up. I know I'll go out there and run again on Monday. But I'm struggling with putting this run into perspective and not defeating myself and my efforts and progress thus far. I know some run days just plain suck. This was definitely one of them for me. But I also know that there are days like Thursday, when things just click and go so right. We've always had a deal with our team - no giving up after a bad run. If you want to quit, you have to do it after you've had 3 great runs in a row. Giving up isn't an option. I want this too badly to stop now. Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so darn hard or painful. Sometimes I wish my body would just cooperate and function normally. But, then again, the things worth doing aren't the easy things. The things that mean the most sometimes come with the hardest work. I just know one thing for certain - I want to enjoy running in Roanoke and Tahoe. I want to go to both races and know I am prepared and can do it. I want to finish both races smiling. And for that to happen, I have to find a way to get through these bad run days and grow from them. I have to keep going. I have to trust my coach and my intuition. I have to keep running.