Last week I decided I had to walk away and escape for a while. I knew I couldn't take another day of turmoil. We planned to go camping Friday-Sunday, but the weather was not cooperating. When the A-E video was released on Wednesday, I knew I could not walk back in the door of my school building on Thursday. We decided spur-of-the-moment to check the campground, found a site that was open Thursday and Friday nights, and I took an additional day off to care for my own mental health and well-being. I hurried to pack and prepare, and when the girls came home early Thursday, we took off for Cades Cove - just the three of us. The boys and Don planned to come down Friday after the boys completed their English and Geometry quizzes.
It took a while to set up camp - definitely longer than normal - but we brought a few more things than usual to spoil ourselves with some luxury and relaxation, while also preparing for a sub-freezing night. Don came with us to help set up camp, and then left to head home to get dinner to the boys and get a good, warm night of sleep.
After Don left, the girls and I ate smores for dinner (yep - mom of the year right here) and then went on a drive around the loop. We didn't even get a 1/2 mile in before seeing a bear beside the road. We pulled over, stopped and got out to take pictures from a safe distance. Then back on our way. Abby kept count - we saw 32 deer, 4 bears, 9 turkeys, and a coyote. It was one of the best trips around the loop ever.
We got back to camp, made a fire, bundled up and just sat there talking. Around 10 PM the girls started getting tired and crawled into the tent. I sat quietly by the fire a bit longer and then settled in for the night as well. It was COLD. I was so worried about the girls staying warm that I struggled to stay asleep. They were fine. I knew I was prepared, and all of my many years of outdoor experience proved useful, but a mom is just going to worry.
I was up at 4:30 AM, and cold. I started a fire, made myself some hot chocolate, and sat staring at the flames. I refused to let my thoughts wander, and just stared as the flames danced. I watched and listened as the campground began to stir. Emma finally rolled out of the tent around 9:00. At 9:45 I started dragging Abby out of her bed. We grabbed some muffins and set out around the loop again. After 20 more deer, a dozen turkeys and a bear, we headed back to camp. We made another fire because it was still so cold, and settled in to wait on Don and the boys, who we thought would already be there by then. I laid down in my hammock and the next thing I knew it was 1:30 PM and I was waking up. The girls had sat chatting in their chairs and let me sleep. I felt so much better.
Just after waking up, Don and the boys arrived. It was drizzling and still very chilly. We took another drive around the loop and decided with the weather, we would just go back to camp, pack up and head home. It took forever to get everything back in the cars, but we finally left and headed back to Knoxville. We stopped in Alcoa to eat dinner at 9 PM. We stumbled into the house at 10PM and by 10:30 it was silent. I woke up at 11:30 Saturday morning. I felt like a brand new person.
We spent the rest of Saturday lounging around. On Sunday I worked on lesson plans for the week, helped my kids catch up on work, and tackled the mountain of laundry. I slept decently on Sunday night, and finally felt ready to go back to work on Monday morning.
Within a few minutes of arriving, I was second-guessing myself. First class went well, testing went well, and then the unthinkable. One of my kids came in and said "Where WERE you last week? I NEEDED YOU, and you WEREN'T here." He was obviously upset. I apologized and tried to figure out what was going on. Turns out, he had a very direct connection to the AE shooting, which we had discussed the day after the shooting, but he had not handled all of the press coverage on Wednesday and Thursday well. He was scared, he needed reassurance, and I wasn't there. Thankfully, one of my coteachers is used to seeing this kid come to my room for snacks or to just take a breather, and she knew something was up when he came in upset. She got him into some really good hands in the counseling office and the counselor spent hours with him. Once I spent some time talking with him today, I sought out the counselor and my coteacher. I got the rest of the story from Thursday and Friday, and then went to fill in admin. Afterwards, I went to one of our only black teachers in the school and told her I needed her. I am again SO thankful for the relationships developed over my 5 years at my school. I can be there for my student, I can let them talk, I can listen, I can offer reassurance, but as a white woman, there is only so much I can say that will matter in this situation. I knew this kid needed someone who understood where he was coming from. After speaking to her and hearing her "I got him" statement, I went back to my classroom and let tears fall again. I knew if I had been at school Thursday and Friday, I would not have been okay if I had talked to him and tried to be there for him then. It was a really good thing for me that I wasn't there, but I felt incredibly guilty that I wasn't there when one of my students needed me most. No matter how many days I escape and how far I distance myself, when I come back, reality is there to smack me in the face. The escapes are much needed, but they are also so very temporary.
Our kids are hurting. Our schools and communities are hurting. Our teachers are hurting. But while we are hurting, the power that be have us testing, scrambling to make decisions for next year, throwing a dozen new things our way, grades are due, progress reports are due. there are meetings scheduled, evaluations are happening, and we still have to teach. This has been, by far, the most difficult, heart-wrenching year of teaching ever. Summer cannot come soon enough. At least that escape will last two full months.
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