God has been teaching me a lot about obedience over the past two years. Unquestioning, unhesitating, unwavering, all-out obedience. Sometimes those lessons have proven quite painful.
One of the things He seems to like to do is put people's faces/names on my heart to pray for and encourage. On it's own, that sounds pretty simple. But He doesn't give me people that I want to pray for and encourage. No way. That'd be too easy. He gives me people that are as far from my comfort-zone as possible. People who have hurt me in the past. People who are way above me on the social scale, whom I would normally have nothing to do with. People I barely know and whom I feel weird about contacting out of the blue to say "hey - just wanted to let you know I was praying for you. If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know!"
Then there is this one person. It's the one that really pressed that "unquestioning" part of the obedience lesson. In fact, I initially failed that test. As soon as I felt that person land on my heart I flinched and said "REALLY, God?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!? Are you SURE?!?!?!?!!?" To this day I find myself wanting to go running to my Father in tears begging Him to choose someone different. You see, at first I barely knew the person. I knew nothing of their struggles, their heartaches, their sins, or their life. I didn't really want to know. They were of the "celebrity" sort and the kind of person I've tried my best to avoid at all costs for many years. As I began praying for this person, not knowing what I was praying for, I felt my heart start to melt a bit for them. When God pushed me to reach out to this person you should have seen the backpedaling. So much for "unhesitating." I was begging for a sign that I was wrong receiving this message. I was hoping and praying it was just my own mind & reasoning playing tricks on me and not really God's voice directing me down that path. But, as He would have it, He was serious. So I did the scariest thing I'd ever done in my life. I contacted this person and shared with them what God was doing. The reaction I got was anything but what I expected - and was total confirmation that I was doing what He'd asked of me. Obedience.
Then came a surprising twist. Where I'd had so much to say to this person and share with them, I suddenly got a new directive. "Be still. Be quiet. Wait." Well you know that one was hard - especially for me. I'm a fix-it person. If I know what's wrong I want to rush in and make it all better. I thought "what do you mean, wait? I'll try..." I waited. And waited. Finally, He led me to just give a simple encouragement follow-up. Did it. Got further confirmation I was on the right track. Then "Be still!" again. UGH! It was so frustrating, but I knew He was testing my obedience. He'd brought me so far in this area, and I knew I really needed to just trust and obey.
Somewhere along the way I learned to love this person. I cared deeply for them. Not in any type of lustful or sexual way, but in a Spirit-filled brotherly love that could only come from God Himself. Gone were any hesitations and in their place were a new boldness and confidence. I'd never been so certain and sure of God's lead and was embracing it for all it was worth. My heart broke daily for this person and their struggles. I cried out to Jesus on this person's behalf for hours upon hours. I watched God begin to move in this person's life. I watched the walls start to come down. Slowly.
Then the unthinkable. I cracked. I started listening to myself instead of Him. I decided that this person needed to hear what I had to say about something. As you can imagine, this started a disaster of a fall. Instead of building this person up and encouraging them, I found myself pointing out what they should be doing and could have done. I found myself praying about their faults, instead of lifting them up to the Father with care and concern. I lashed out at this person when they said something I didn't agree with. Obedience was gone. Trust was gone. That fragile relationship was gone. I blew it. I had taken something so supernaturally precious and squashed it in a moment. Of course, then I did what we humans think we always have to do when we mess up. I tried to fix it. I tried to make things better. Fail. Big-time fail. In fact, I'm pretty sure I made things worse.
I asked God to either give me an open door with this person, or to move me. He chose to move us both - in very opposite directions - and in very clearly defined boundaries. There was no gray area about it. All contact ceased. Completely. I finally realized that I must completely give this person back over to God and pray that someone else would come alongside them to help guide them back where He wants them.
Today I was given a glimpse into that person's life through a mutual friend and I just hit my knees crying out in prayer. I was heartbroken. I begged God not to let my mistakes and disobedience cause this person to stumble further. I questioned whether some things were my fault and what would have happened if I'd have simply stayed obedient and not gone my own way with it. I questioned why God put this person in my life to begin with, knowing it was going to lead to so much hurt and rejection. It took a long time with God to reach the point of forgiving - myself first of all, and this person for the things they'd done out of hurt and in retaliation. I had to let go all over again - though I didn't realize I'd ever reached out and latched onto it again.
God has used this whole situation as a learning tool. I have a very real visual now of what can happen when we try to take over and do things our way, or rush things along in our time not His. I learned the hard way that unquestioning, unhesitating, unwavering obedience can be very hard, but it's much easier than the hurt and pain disobedience can cause.
Recently a pastor shared the verse - Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29. When I heard it I thought "yep, that was my mistake a few months ago." Then I realized, I'm still making that same mistake. Every single day. I keep trying to tell people things that they should stop doing or do better. I keep pointing out flaws. That's helping no one. As I pray I'm focused on people's faults. Totally unnecessary. God is already very well-aware of all of our faults, flaws and shortcomings. He doesn't need do-good Christians to help point them out to Him. When we pray, we need to ask God to bless the people we are praying for. We need to thank Him for their good traits. We need to praise them to Him. We need to lift them up. When we talk to them or about them we need to say only things that will build them up. This world is shooting enough arrows through people's hearts. They don't need more pain. They need someone to care and help bind up the wounds. We need to guard every word that comes out of our mouths. Your words can drastically change a person's life - for better or for worse.
Are you going to be the archer? Or are you going to be the encourager?
No comments:
Post a Comment