WHY?

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have been asked the question "WHY?" in the past 9 months.

"You're crazy! Why would you want to put yourself through that?"

"Why? Didn't the doctors tell you not to?"

"Why do it for someone else?"

"Why run? Can't you just do something easier?"

"Why would you fly 2000 miles to run a race?"

"Why do what they say is impossible?"

"Why would you risk making things worse?"

"Why a half-marathon? Couldn't you just do another 10K?"


I don't expect anyone to understand. I have explained it before and I know people just don't get it. But, I have been asked several times to explain why I am attempting a half-marathon again after 4 years of "retirement" from them and why this particular race for this particular reason. So, I will try to explain.

Meet Jason.

Jason is the director of Epic Tahoe Adventures and someone who was just plain awesome to our team when we were in Tahoe 3 years ago for race weekend. Jason and his team have been asking since then for our group to come and run their Rock Tahoe race in June. Each year I answered with the same response - I'd love to, but I'm not allowed to run half-marathons anymore. If you add a 10K, I'm there. But I can't do a half. Each year I watch race weekend news get posted with amazing photos and wish I could be there.

Last September, Jason and his crew held a test run for a future race. He invited a couple of our team members to apply to be a part. I knew I couldn't even try, with the dates and the finances involved. But, one of our girls was selected to go, and we were all so excited about it. We were hanging onto every detail, and couldn't wait to see pictures and hear more. Our first update once the event began was NOT what we expected. We learned there had been a serious accident involving one of the RVs and that Jason and Natalie, along with a couple of others, were injured. When a friend who lived in Tahoe sent me photos from the news, I was horrified. It still isn't easy to look at.

Article about the accident:
http://www.tahoedailytribune.com/news/crime-fire/five-injured-in-car-accident-down-kingsbury-grade/

I spent a long time emailing back and forth with friends in the area and our runner who was there. My heart was heavy and I wasn't sure what I could do, other than pray.

I followed the news updates on Facebook, and checked in with Jess from Epic Tahoe when I could.

September 24, 2016:
We are heartbroken to confirm, as many of you may have heard, that a number of ETA runners and staff, including our Chief Officer of Awesomeness Jason Collin and his wife Natalie, were testing the running route for an upcoming event yesterday when the RV in which they were traveling was involved in a serious accident on Kingsbury Grade. Our hearts, minds, and entire focus continues to be with those involved or injured. We will be posting further information on the condition of Jason and the others as soon as it becomes available.

Update on Jason Collin:

Jason sustained serious injuries in the crash yesterday resulting in both legs being broken and shattered in various places from the knee down. He has had 2 successful surgeries so far and has one more scheduled for Monday. He is in excellent spirits and is recovering well and will hopefully be released next week. His wife Natalie also broke a finger in the accident but was treated and released yesterday, and is by Jason's side. The Collin family appreciates the outpouring of support and love the community has shown.

Four days after the accident, I had a huge relief when I checked in on Facebook.

September 28, 2016:

We are so excited that Jason is headed home from the hospital today!

Around that same time, I felt a nagging about the number of times I'd told Jason I couldn't run a half anymore. I realized he could have been injured so badly that running would never be possible again for him. I also knew I had been letting others dictate what was and was not possible for me again. I knew at that moment, while I was continuing to pray for his full recovery, I was going to find a way to run a half again - for him. If he could walk and then run again after this, I was going to prove the doctors wrong yet again and do what they told me was impossible. I knew my God was greater than any diagnosis or doctor's prediction and that there was nothing impossible in my life. I was going to run a half again. I knew in all reality, even with a miracle, there was no way I could be ready by the June Rock Tahoe date, and I was already committed to the Lake Tahoe Marathon Weekend for 2017. Financially, I couldn't do both. I desperately wanted my first half back to be in Tahoe, for numerous reasons. I just couldn't make it work so that it ended up being the Rock Tahoe event. So, I decided I would change my LTM registration from the 10K to the half, and set out to do what I'd been told couldn't be done.

It was rough going. My fall races were not easy. I was struggling to do 5Ks. I was having issue after issue with my medical problems. I was questioning my sanity about committing to a half-marathon again after swearing I never would after the last one almost killed me. I knew the doctors had a point. I knew I was pushing it and putting myself at risk. But, I had to keep trying. I had the support of my incredible teammates and was standing on my faith and my God to get me through. When the doubts rushed in, all I had to do is look at that photo of the accident last September and knew that I had to do this.

We all got an early Christmas present from Jason on the Epic Tahoe Facebook page. This video turned me into a mess of a puddle crying, but it also put a huge smile on my face and rekindled the determination and motivation. Again, I had to.

December 22, 2016:

https://www.facebook.com/EpicTahoeAdventures/videos/1154674281306504/

Those first steps also made me realize one thing - even though he knew nothing about what I was doing, I had to keep my end of the bargain. I had to do the half. There was no option to quit or give up.

By March 2017, I knew Jason was going to be fine. But, it wasn't an excuse to not finish what I started. I heard from Jason in June, and let him know that I was going to be in Tahoe for the race weekend in October, and said I hoped to catch up with Natalie and him while I was in town, but didn't really go into detail about the race plans.

My closest friend/coach and my boys have all asked me why I haven't told Jason what I was doing or why I was doing it. It's hard to explain and it's difficult for me to open up and say this. I know and have known that this very well could be impossible for me. I could be really sick again the week of or the morning of the race. I could have a relapse and be unable to run or even walk. I could start the race and end up causing things to be much worse and end up not being able to finish. Or worse. I don't want to ever get anyone's hopes up and then disappoint them or let them down. If I told him what I was doing and then on race day couldn't do it - I'd feel horrible. So, in my mind, right or wrong, it's best to just not say anything until afterwards, if at all.

On top of that, I have never and still never want anyone to feel sorry for me or show me any sympathy. I am here and alive - which is far more than many of my friends from Ground Zero can say. I am walking and running - which is far more than some of my friends battling terminal illnesses or lifelong disabilities can say. I am healthy enough to be able to go out and do something - which is more than my friends battling cancer can say right now. I cannot and will not complain. When I do - my friends who know the details of my life refuse to let me stay there and refuse to let me continue on the complaint train. I appreciate their toughness more than I could ever express. With their help - I will not refuse to do what I can do to bring awareness and support to the charities I run for. I will not stop. I can't stop.

I'm also very aware of the fact that one day I may be one of those people who can't run another step. But until that day comes, I refuse to say I can't anymore. I refuse to not try. I'm very afraid that the day I give up and stop running is the day my medical issues win and the day I lose more than just the ability to run. It takes people like Jason who have that never give up, positive attitude to inspire me sometimes. Life knocks you down? Get up and fight back. It takes watching people who are at their lowest never blink in despair, but just get out there and do what needs to be done, to get me past the doubts and fears that creep into my life. I need these people in my life and am incredibly thankful for them. I wish I could take all of their hurts and heartaches out there with me and pound them into the pavement as I run, to make things easier for them. While I can't "fix" any of their situations, I can use my situation to bring light and help to them. I can use my running to be a light in the dark times. I can use these races to show God's love, grace, and mercy to hurting people. As long as I can take a step, I will keep going. For Jason, Morgan E, Kristan & Jay, Melissa, Deon & his siblings, Heidi, Barbara, Shelley & her daughter, Nancy, RC, Crystal, Corinne, Sandy's family, Tina and her daughter Katelyn, Janet's granddaughter, my students, family and friends of Morgan H and others who never came home, and many more friends battling demons bigger than mine. Thank you all for inspiring me and keeping me going.