Ending the year on a high note

Finally. A moment I’ve prayed for nonstop for the past 14 months. My doctors said “go run.” I know I have a huge mountain ahead in trying to get back to where I was, but having the go-ahead after waiting so long is a huge relief.

But, along with that release comes a nasty four letter word.

FEAR

In front of me is a dream, a goal, an opportunity, a gift...

Yet in the back of my mind are the memories of last October, the disappointment, the frustration, the pain, the terrifying diagnosis, and the months of seemingly endless rehabilitation that produced almost nothing.

Nothing is “fixed.” Things aren’t really better, medically. But, the scary kidney-liver crisis is over and the doctors are confident that while they can’t treat the underlying issue or make it go away, it’s not going to get worse by me working out or running. There will still be nerve pain. There will still be some major precautions and strict guidelines. There are still some treatment protocols and safety plans in place. But it has been deemed “safe” for me to engage in higher level fitness activities again.

While the doctors are confident, I’m scared. There are just too many “what if” and “yeah, but” thoughts crowding in. But, I've never been one to give in to fear or back down from a challenge. So, I’m going to build back up slowly and convince myself that a run will help, not hurt things. For the moment, however, I have to deal with the side effects of coming off all of the medications, which is no fun.

My goal is now to get out and walk every day I can, and let myself get back into the routine of daily workouts. As I begin to feel better and gain back some stamina, I will throw in some spurts of running to test things out and see how it goes.

Ahead of me are two very motivating goals - the Anthem Star 10K is April 13th, followed by the Rock Tahoe Half-marathon June 15th. Not being able to run either race last year left me begging God for another chance. I have that chance now, and no matter how scared I am, I cannot let these second chances pass me by without giving it all I’ve got.

I would LOVE to have friends and family join me in my quest to run in Roanoke and Tahoe again. It would mean so much to me to have people there running with me. If you are interested, please message me so I can fill you in on the details. Or, if you are ready to sign up now, use these links and be sure to join team “CareRunners” during the registration.

For the Roanoke event in April, use code AMBASSADORKRISTI20 to save 20% off any of the four race distances at the Blue Ridge Marathon (10K, half, full, double). Register at BlueRidgeMarathon

For the Tahoe race, register at RockTahoe2019

Quick update

Just a quick update since several have asked...

My labs weren't perfect, but they were not as out of whack as expected. Closer to norm after a rough workout, which is great. But.. I was told to take it down a notch for another week on the cardio/gym part, and then try again with a tough workout. I am allowed to run - no more than 2 miles at a time - and with more frequent intervals (I have to go back to 1 1/2:1 instead of 3:1/2), plus keeping a slower pace and not trying to do it on a 90 degree plus day. I can go early AM, late evening, or on cooler or drizzly days. But, I am allowed to attempt the 2 turtle miles a couple of times a week. It's progress. I'll take it. I am also cleared to keep swimming a mile a couple of times a week - just not on the same day I try to run. Works for me!

Someone just asked me why I didn't share this excitement earlier. I mean, this is what I've been asking/begging/praying for going on 9 months now. I guess fear and doubt keep making me hold back. I'm so afraid to hope - and afraid to fail again. I'm just trying to keep things as low key as I can until I'm able to get back out there and do my thing. Just this blog alone has been difficult for me. I don't like to share the details or personal stuff. But, hopefully someone finds some encouragement or hope in it!

In other news - three  of my four doctors have decided to leave their current practices and two are leaving the area. It's a little unsettling. The fourth (who is my primary and the one I absolutely adore and rely on) assured me she isn't going anywhere. The one staying in the area is just heading towards private practice, which is actually going to be okay. The hard part is going to be finding another immune neurologist that has any clue about the specific condition I am dealing with. It may mean me having to travel back to NYC a couple of times a year. That is not something I want to do. Just pray that all of these changes won't impact the level of care I've been getting and won't add more stress to our already chaotic household.

Race News!!

As you know, I was deferred from the 2018 Anthem Star 10K in Roanoke, VA. That means I'm already signed up for the 2019 race. I'll also be blogging again for the race, and would LOVE for some of you to sign up to join me. It's an awesome race weekend. One of the best I've ever experienced. I plan on this being my first 10K back after the past year's ordeal. I will NOT attempt another 10K before that, even if I'm allowed. I would absolutely love to have some company going up and down Mill Mountain and while I hang out in the hometown the night before and day of the race.

Well. I got what I asked for - and more than I bargained for

I had some major hesitation about going to the gym this morning. Though it was hard to admit - I was scared. Really scared. 

My boys were running late, which meant I was a few minutes late. I went upstairs dreading the hour ahead. That's not my normal mindset in going to PT. It was really hot and humid outside and I knew things were not looking good for an outdoor run. I slept better last night, but still felt tired and sore. As expected, the trainer said same thing about the heat and humidity, and put me on the Cybex for a mile to "warm up." Um. Yeah. Warm up. At level 7 and 80% incline. I felt like I climbed a mountain. "Warm up." Anyways. 

Then he told me that I was going to go outside and run one lap of the loop trail (which is a 1 mile loop). I was to take it easy, keep in tune with my body, and focus on staying slow and using intervals to take walk breaks. As he is explaining this, I got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Finally, I asked him "aren't you coming with me.? He said no. I almost refused to go. I stood there shaking my head no for a full minute. The whole point of them controlling and limiting my physical activity is because I tend to overdo it and push through no matter what my body is telling me. It's 99 degrees and humid out - and I haven't been able to regulate my body temp for months - and you want me to go outside and run a mile - by myself? 

It took some convincing, but I finally headed outside. I had a million negative thoughts going through my brain - what if I go too fast, what if I get sick again, what if I make things worse, what if I get overheated, what if I pass out and I'm by myself, what if ... 

I started to run before the thoughts could turn me around. 

I saw the 0.1 marker. Then 0.2. I thought, "I'm okay." Then I was ready to walk at 0.25. But then I realized - that's what my normal intervals would be on a slow, long run. Run for 2 1/2 minutes, walk for 30 seconds, run again. Apparently my body didn't know I'd taken 9 months off from running and had the internal pace clock working perfectly. So I walked, counting to 30, then ran again. Pass 0.4, 0.5, realized there was absolutely NO shade, I was running in direct sunlight, my water was inside, it was hot and I was starting to feel the past 2 weeks of workouts. I started walking and counting slowly to 30, then ran again. I got to 0.75 and thought "OK - I'm getting really hot. I need to stop. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to go inside." I started having a battle in my head. But then I was in shade for a brief moment and convinced myself that I could absolutely go 0.25 more and that I was not dying. I crossed the 1 mile marker. And... 

nothing.

No excitement. No relief. No joy. No emotion. Nothing. I just started walking towards the door to the gym, hoping to get my water and back into AC before my body figured out what just happened. 

I went in, stretched, and talked about the run with the trainer. Once I cooled a bit and rehydrated, he said to go get my swimsuit on and get ready to swim. Wait. What? Our hour is up. I'm done. Apparently, the PT and the MD joined heads and said that I was responding way more favorably to the workouts than anticipated, and they wanted to push me a bit today. Of course - of all days I woke up late, skipped breakfast, and was exhausted. But, I did as ordered. 

I thought this was going to be a nice, easy swim. Ha. One mile in 30 minutes later, I was actually worn out and shocked. Since when can I endure a mile run, followed by a fast 1 mile swim? I normally either run or swim - not both on the same day. My boys watched me swimming and commented on my speed. They asked if I was swimming instead of running because of the heat. When I told them, no, I already did 1 mile on the outdoor track and a mile on the Cybex, their faces were as shocked as I felt. I can tell you that my arms hurt - from weights yesterday and today's efforts. I could feel them with every stroke in the pool. My legs, surprisingly, weren't sore at all. My ankle was still a little tender, but not bothering me. I was tired though. Really tired. So I asked if we were done after the swim. We were. 

I somehow pulled myself out of the pool, went to the locker to get my stuff and then headed back to the pool to meet Don, who had brought Emma and Abby to their practices. I took over with them while Don took the boys home. By "took over," I mean I gave Emma to her coach and collapsed in a nearby chair to watch Abby play in the shallow end with a friend. 

I sat and watched swim practice for an hour and then gathered the girls and their belongings and headed home. I can't remember much from the hour. I just stared at the pool and reviewed over and over how I'd just done a mile run outside, followed by a fast mile in the pool, and I was still alive and feeling okay. There was still no emotion. Just trying to process it and figure out how I went from not being able to do anything, to accomplishing both feats in one morning. 

Now, don't get too excited. The PT estimated that my mile took about 12-12 1/2 minutes. I am nowhere near ready to run a 5K, much less a 10K or half-marathon. Nor am I anywhere near my normal 10-10 1/2 minute mile. But, I know that I can run and survive a mile at least - even if it's 100 degrees out. 

When we got home I got everyone fed and jumped in the shower. As soon as the cold water hit, I felt the same aching pain in the area where my kidneys are. I froze and fear started to take over. I finished the shower and called the MD. She reassured me that I was fine, that I needed to make sure I kept drinking water, eat something, and avoid sugar and salt for a few hours. She said she would see me Thursday when I went in for labs, and that I should not stress or worry. She told me to enjoy my 4th, get in a bike ride or paddling - something fun that wouldn't have high impact - for my workout Wednesday, and to keep stretching. I know I shouldn't let fear win, but I can't ignore the nagging ache and thoughts that maybe we pushed too far too fast. But, since there isn't anything I can do about it right now, I'm going to try to ignore the fear and follow her instructions. I really hope she's right - that it's nothing and everything's fine. I really want to be able to go run again. I really want go enjoy a run, without fear or an invasion of scary thoughts the entire time. I actually wonder if I will ever be able to relax and enjoy a run again, or if this whole thing has made me too cautious and fearful. But - then again - I have two races in 2019 with my name already on them, so I have to at least try. One day at a time... right? 

Almost.

There was an interesting turn of events today at the gym. I have had a very controlled list of what I am allowed to do and what I am not allowed to do. This week I have been given more and more things for the "allowed" list - within the understanding that if any of my lab work comes back even a little off, I will be pulled back down a bit and work my way back up slower.

So I rowed 2 miles. Yay. But - boring. I mean - on open water or going downriver in my kayak, it's one thing - but on the little machine overlooking the senior women water aerobics class in the outdoor pool... it gets old. Quick. I was then allowed to walk a lap at a fast pace. I handled it very well. So, I was told to run a lap. What? I did a double-take. Did you say Run? Like, really run? A whole lap?!?! He said yes and I took off before he could change his mind. One lap. No problem. Quite sweaty and a bit out of breath, but I wanted to go again. "No, now you will walk another lap." Ugh. Okay. So I walked. "Okay, good, now try running another lap." My face must have lit up. Really!?!?!?!? Off I went again. It felt amazing. I was so happy to feel the rhythm of running again that I didn't care I was on an indoor track. Finished the lap easily. No problem. I walked another lap on request. Then he made me leave the track. Before I began pouting about wanting to run another lap, I was told to do my normal strength workout we've done for the past two weeks. No problemo. The funny part is - I'm actually able to lift, push, pull, press and curl heavier weights than before I got really sick. It's been one of the few positive points in this ordeal. I am definitely getting stronger.

When I finished the strength portion, I went to get water and ask a different trainer a question. As I was talking to two trainers, a man I'd noticed on the track came over and patted me on the shoulder. He said, "You were really hauling it out there on the track. Nice job. I'm a pretty fast guy and I was struggling to keep up. You're really fast!" I'm pretty sure I looked at him like he was crazy - but I managed not to laugh. Never have I been told I was fast. Never have I had anyone refer to me as being speedy or hauling it. I found it rather amusing, especially since it was the first two laps of any kind I've run in 9 months. The trainer said I must have a race horse mentality - the gate was finally open so I was busting out of there as fast as my feet could take me. Pretty sure this won't help much in the endurance for getting back up to running 5Ks and 10Ks, but it was nice to enjoy that moment. 

I got back to work and kept going through the routine, and at the end of the hour he asked the magic question, "So do you want to try to run again?" Did he really have to ask?? So I did the obligatory lap walking, then took off for a lap of running, followed by another walking lap, another running lap, and another walking lap, a third (!) lap running, and a final lap and a half walking. During the second lap of running I think every trainer in the building spoke to me. One called out, "nice pace - keep it up." Another said, "way to go - keep pushing." I was in heaven for those very few laps where my feet were in running stride. I asked hopefully if that meant I could do the 1 or 2 mile race on Wednesday in town. I got a, "No - but thanks for asking." I think he thought I was kidding or being sarcastic. But the answer was absolutely not. Boo. But - I RAN!!!! And apparently I ran at a good pace. I still can't believe the guy called me "fast" - but I will take it! I don't care what my pace is or how fast I was going - only that I got to run. 

Normally I only work out Monday and Wednesday with the PT trainer, get labs Thursdays, and do my own workout within the prescribed limits on Fridays. But, with this Wednesday being a holiday, we are working out tomorrow, I'm doing my own workout Wednesday, labs as usual on Thursday, and Friday on my own again. Out of curiosity I asked what the plan was for tomorrow, because they don't like me doing the same thing two days in a row. He smiled... I got scared... and then .... he said....  "What did you think we were warming up on the track today for? A swim tomorrow?" I must have looked like a child at Christmas when I said, "Do I get to go for a real run tomorrow? Outside?" He said.....

YES!

But only for a mile or perhaps, maybe two depending on how my body reacts to it. 

I am so flipping excited. A real run!!!!!!!!! No race - no time - no pacing - no Garmin - no anything. Just a real, honest-to-goodness outdoor run. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE pray my body cooperates and that this is the beginning of the last leg of the journey back to running. I don't know if I could take getting to run only to have it taken back away again. I want this so badly... 

What doesn't kill you

It was one of those days. I did not want to get up. I did not want to go to the gym. I was tired. I was sore. I was so over everything. The boys had practice. I had PT. I had to go. But I did not want to go.

I went. Reluctantly. I had an amazing workout. If getting there is 90% of the battle - I won. But I really want a nap now. I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been in overdrive at home. I'm exhausted. But I can't stop if I ever want to get better.

As we were walking in, one of my boys asked why we are doing this. I hope and pray that I'm setting a good example - that we do what we need to do when we need to do it - and that we don't give up or stop just because we are tired and over it. That is enough to motivate me to keep going despite how I feel - because I never want them to think that quitting is an option.

However, nap time is definitely looking better and better at the moment.

Big Step

Huge step today in the painfully slow progression back to running. I was able to complete a full 1-hour training session in the gym - both cardio and strength - and regulate body temp at the same time. My body finally reacted well to a workout - actually sweating (a little more than normal but much closer to the acceptable norm range the doctor is hoping for - and way better than not sweating at all to release some internal heat) and no numbness anywhere. Recovery took much shorter time than anticipated. I'm sore and going to be even sorer tomorrow - but stretching it out and enjoying the burn. It's been a long wait for this moment. I want to go back tomorrow but they said no way. So I get to try a different workout Wednesday. They want to keep mixing things up a bit to see what my body can react normally to and what things I need to still avoid during the rehab. Still some trial and error ahead - but I'll take it if it gets me back out pounding pavement sooner.

Not where I planned to be today

8 months ago I planned to be in Tahoe today, running with my friends. Never did I imagine I’d be going 8 months with no running, and it still be undetermined when or if I will be able to return to the sport that carried me through many difficult things. So many days I’ve ached for the escape running brings me. Seeing all of the pictures from today’s race has been tough, but I’m trusting the doctors are doing everything they can to get me back out there safely, and that God’s got this totally under control, and has a reason for this extended break from running. One amazing thing did happen yesterday that might not have happened if I’d been in Tahoe this weekend, and it’s something that could have a huge positive impact on our family this year. So, holding onto hope and sticking with the excruciatingly slow process.

No Memorial Race but something better

Well, we're in Florida. It's Memorial Day. But there was no race for us this morning. It was really getting me down, but I decided to get over and do what the doctors told me I could do - walk. I went on the beach and took a super long, quiet walk in the sand, right near the water. I found some amazing treasures of seashells. I saw little and big crabs scurry across the sand and back to the sea. I saw the tracks where giant sea turtles had come on the beach overnight to lay eggs. I watched giant pelicans and herons diving for fish in the water. I listened to the waves crashing and watched an amazing sunrise. I found peace in the moment, and peace with the situation. I can still walk. I can still get around and be mobile and enjoy these little things. Some I know can't. I will not stop and will not give up. I will do what I can, what I can, and give thanks for all of my blessings along the way. It may not be what I planned or hoped for today, but it turned out to be something better.

Deferred. Boo.

Today's the Anthem 10K in my hometown.

I'm not there.

I cried when I got the email telling me I'd been deferred to 2019 with no penalty. I cried when I got a text message yesterday evening from a TV reporter who wanted to interview me before the race. But this morning, there are no tears. Just quiet resignation.

I don't know if I will get to run in 2019 either - but I will not give up or go down without a fight. I'm hanging onto those words from Bethany Hamilton - I don't need easy, I just need possible. I'm heading up the gigantic mountain right now - but one day - one day I'm going to race down the other side with the wind blowing in my face and feel like I've been set free to fly again.