Someone reminded me this week of a girl I knew many years ago. Her name was Hilary. She was a tiny bit of a girl - with a heart ten times the size of her body - at least. She had a contagious smile and a sense of humor even in the most difficult of times. For such a little girl she was so strong - both mentally and physically. Her enthusiasm for her friends' successes, her sport, her family member's activities, and just for life itself was such an inspiration. She always knew just how to put everything into perspective. She saw the world through different lenses than most people. She didn't let rejection or failure deter her from pursuing her dreams. She spent most of her years dedicating her life to her first sport - gymnastics. When it was announced that she would not be going to the Olympics as everyone thought, I vividly remember her shrugging her shoulders and smiling saying "it's okay." She simply accepted it and then set her eyes on a new goal in a new sport. She'd try for the Olympics again - this time in diving. Tragically, she never had the opportunity. Hilary died in a car accident less than a month before her 20th birthday. Despite the fact that it's been over 14 years, Hilary's name still brings smiles and fond memories to everyone who knew her. She was one of those people you could just never forget.
Earlier this week someone mentioned another name to me. It didn't ring a bell. After some more information it finally clicked that I had indeed known this person. I just didn't remember them very well. The person was nice. They never gave me any reason not to like them. They just didn't stand out in my memory.
As I was looking through an old scrapbook with pictures of Hilary, smiling and even laughing as I remembered the moments that seemed to be gone in a flash, I thought about the other person who'd been brought back to my attention this week. I started comparing what it was that made Hilary stand out, and what it was that kept me from really remembering the other person. I began to wonder about myself. Fifteen years after I'm gone, will I stand out in people's minds as someone worth remembering with smiles and laughter? Or will people say "that name doesn't ring a bell." Will they remember me with less than fond memories? What will they remember me for? What am I doing today that will outlast me?
I know some of you are thinking this is sounding really morbid, but I'm not trying to be gloomy. What is it that makes me remember Hilary so clearly? She gave. She gave her heart. Her love. Her eyes - her perspective on life. Her attention. Her laughter. Her kindness. Her determination. Her encouragement and support. Her strength. Her optimistic attitude. Where did all of those things come from? How could she give so abundantly of so many things? Easy. Her faith. Hilary knew God and lived her life for Him. No one on this earth could take away the one thing that mattered most to her. Sadly, I can't tell you whether the other person knew God or not. I don't know. I don't remember them ever mentioning Him in conversation. I certainly don't remember them doing anything that would make me immediately think "oh, they must really love Jesus."
When I'm gone, will someone say, "You know, I don't really know if she was a Christian or not?"
Will people remember me for my faith? Will my faith outlast me? Will people remember me as someone who really loved Jesus?
My prayer today was simple. "God, don't let people remember me for the things I do, for the things I say, or for the things I accomplish; but let people remember me for being someone who lived every moment of her life for You and with You. Let me be remembered as someone who was fully consumed by You."
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
This 9/11 Family Isn't Celebrating
September 11, 2001
8:45 AM - I am in my bedroom getting ready to go to classes at Radford. I'm listening to the radio and a Rich Mullins song came on.
8:47 AM - A male newcaster's voice interrupted the Rich Mullins song with "An airplane has hit the World Trade Center"
8:48 AM - I turn on CNN and yell out to Dad to turn on the news
8:50 AM - Dad and I start discussing that this has to be intentional - I mean, WHO could miss seeing the big tower there? I continue to get ready for class while keeping CNN on.
9:00 AM - I'm ready to head out for school but I stop to watch a few more minutes of the news.
9:03 AM - I watch as the 2nd plane hits the towers.
9:04 AM - I drop to my knees and pray. I journaled my prayer right afterwards because it was so much more than my normal everyday prayers.
From my journal dated 9/11/01, 9:11 AM (coincidence? I think not):
"God, I'm in shock over the images I'm seeing and words I'm hearing on TV. But God, I know You aren't shocked. Father, forgive the person responsible for this horrible act. I know that when You died on the cross, You died for them too. Obviously they don't know you and haven't accepted that gift. Make this event turn into something that will glorify You. May the person who did this see YOU as a result. Be with each and every person in that building as they endure this horrific ordeal. Be with each of their family members as they wait for word on their loved ones. Be with the first responders, Lord - the firefighters, EMTs, police officers and others who are rushing to the scene. Take control of this situation, Father. Give peace to everyone in NYC and those watching around the globe. Thank You Father, for Your promise that You can bring good out of every situaion. I can't see the good right now, God, but I know You will show it to me in time. Give me the strength and compassion to deal with this, and protect me if I'm sent to serve those affected. In Your name, Amen."
I end my prayer, head out the door and drive to school. On the way there I hear that a third plane has hit the Pentagon. "Oh dear God, we are under attack. This is a war. God, help us." Get to school - place is a ghost town. Classes cancelled. I drive back to Salem, but instead of going home, drove straight to my church.
All of the church staff are gathered around a small TV in the church office. I sit on the floor right in front of the TV, back against one of the desks, and keep watching. I asked our preacher "Are we still going to Romania?" He says "I don't know." We were to leave on the 21st. I said "I probably won't be here, even if you do go. I think I'm out." I knew at this point I was going to respond. I just kept waiting on the pager to go off.
10:00 AM - Image #1 that will forever be etched in my mind. I watch at 9:59 as the south tower starts to fall. I watch firefighters, police officers, politicians, EMTs, innocent civilians... all run for their lives. People with nothing but FEAR on their faces running as fast as they can... for their lives... here in America.
10:10 AM - reports of a plane crashing in Shanksville, PA as a piece of the Pentagon crumbles to the ground
10:28 AM - North tower collapses
10:30 AM - Image #2 that will FOREVER be etched in my mind: I see footage of firefighters crying, grabbing each other in big embraces. I say out loud "That's not supposed to happen." I pray again, "Oh Father, some of my friends just died. I know they did. PLEASE help me deal with the grief that is coming. PLEASE help me know what to do. PLEASE give me the words and wisdom to do my job. Please help me not to let anger take over. PLEASE God, fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding." This is the first and only time tears fell from my eyes that day.
11:09 AM - my pager goes off - my DRT is on standby - for DC
Sometime around noon I finally reach my DRT leader via phone. I tell him "I can't go to DC. I HAVE to go to NYC. My friends are buried in all of that. I HAVE to go to NYC." He says "I will see what I can do. But our team is ordered to DC."
I go home. I unpack the school bags and pack my DRT bag instead. I saw the looks of fear and dread on my parents faces. They knew I was going to go. They didn't like it, but they knew they couldn't stop me. They didn't even try to talk about it. They knew better. They knew it was like breathing to me to respond to situations just like this.
2:30 PM - My DRT leader calls me back. Our team is 3rd wave to DC. He is working on getting me in on 3rd wave with a team to NYC. He'll keep me posted.
By now I've talked to a handful of friends all over the country. All ended the calls with, "Be careful up there." Everyone knew I was going. All were scared. But none said "Don't go."
8:30 PM - I finally get news I've waited for - and it wasn't good. Chief Downey was among the missing and was presumed dead because of his location at the time of the collapses. I pray again that the anger and grief will be covered with the peace that only God can provide.
September 21, 2001 - instead of heading to Romania, I head to NYC
Fast-forward...
After spending months counseling firefighters, widows & kids of 9/11, then years running programs for the surviving kids, I marry a NYC fireman who was in the north tower as the south tower collapsed. A year later we have twin boys. Don dubs them his "new twin towers." It took us months to talk about what we both dealt with at the WTC site. We've gone to funerals and memorial services. We've spent every 9/11 morning until last year at the firehouse. Today we talk about the fact that he's sick because of 9/11. September 11th is an everyday part of our lives - whether we like it or not.
Way fast-forward...
May 2, 2011 - Don wakes me up at 6:40 AM. He says calmly, softly, quietly and with very little emotion "Osama Bin Laden is dead." My immediate response was "yeah, right." Don told me the details from the news. Then he says "people are out in the streets all over the place celebrating - from the White House to Trade Centers to the Mets game last night to the Capitol Lawn." I said "WHY are people celebrating a murder? Don't they know that this is just going to cause those terrorists to get angry and retaliate? Don't they know that by murdering him we have just opened ourselves up to even worse attacks and unmentionable torture of Americans all over the world?! He kills a bunch of innocent people and we go and murder him - so guess what? - they come and kill more innocent people. Why are we celebrating?! The only death we should ever celebrate is Christ's - because His was a victory over ALL death."
There was no celebrating in this 9/11 household this morning. Bin Laden is directly responsible for the fact that my husband is slowly dying from 9/11 toxicity - but we weren't rejoicing that he'd been murdered! Instead - we expressed gratitude that justice had been served and went about our day. I started my quiet time with quiet thanks to God for justice being served for those who perished that day - and who are still dying today. I prayed for protection of our troops - especially those overseas in Afghanistan, Iraq and other countries filled with terrorist cells - and specifically for my nephew Ben who is a Marine serving in one of those areas right now. I prayed that those gloating about the death of a man will realize that's not what God would have us do. The images of people celebrating in the streets as if America had just won the world Super Bowl made me feel sick. Don't get me wrong - I am just as patriotic and thankful for our military as a person could possibly be. But I refuse to take joy in the murder of any man - even him. I can't tell you how many people hated me when I said "You know, Christ died for Osama Bin Laden too." I fully believe with all of my heart that if Bin Laden had turned to God and asked for forgiveness that he'd have been forgiven. As far as any of us know, he blatantly chose to deny God. That's his choice - just as much as it is yours and mine. We make the choice to follow Him or deny Him. We face the consequences when Christ judges us. Bin Laden was a sinner. So are you and I. We all deserve to die. Christ died on that cross so that we wouldn't have to. It's a gift we have to choose to accept or deny. We should be grieved that Bin Laden denied that gift - not dancing in the streets that he died without accepting it. I refuse to think this is "the end" of this war on terror. I refuse to think "this avenges 9/11." I know I am in the minority and will lose friends over my stance on this - but I don't care. I have to stand up for what I believe is right - and cheering over the death of a lost man is not.
Ezekiel 33:11
Obadiah (the entire book)
Proverbs 24:17
Romans 12:9
Romans 13:1-7
Don't celebrate or gloat over the death. Give God praise that justice was served and pray for His will to continue to unfold. Pray for the safety of our troops who are still over there in harm's way. Pray that the cycle of violence will cease. Pray for the families of 9/11 who are still hurting and dealing with the effects of that day. Take all of your rejoicing and celebrating and turn it into something more beneficial to His kingdom.
8:45 AM - I am in my bedroom getting ready to go to classes at Radford. I'm listening to the radio and a Rich Mullins song came on.
8:47 AM - A male newcaster's voice interrupted the Rich Mullins song with "An airplane has hit the World Trade Center"
8:48 AM - I turn on CNN and yell out to Dad to turn on the news
8:50 AM - Dad and I start discussing that this has to be intentional - I mean, WHO could miss seeing the big tower there? I continue to get ready for class while keeping CNN on.
9:00 AM - I'm ready to head out for school but I stop to watch a few more minutes of the news.
9:03 AM - I watch as the 2nd plane hits the towers.
9:04 AM - I drop to my knees and pray. I journaled my prayer right afterwards because it was so much more than my normal everyday prayers.
From my journal dated 9/11/01, 9:11 AM (coincidence? I think not):
"God, I'm in shock over the images I'm seeing and words I'm hearing on TV. But God, I know You aren't shocked. Father, forgive the person responsible for this horrible act. I know that when You died on the cross, You died for them too. Obviously they don't know you and haven't accepted that gift. Make this event turn into something that will glorify You. May the person who did this see YOU as a result. Be with each and every person in that building as they endure this horrific ordeal. Be with each of their family members as they wait for word on their loved ones. Be with the first responders, Lord - the firefighters, EMTs, police officers and others who are rushing to the scene. Take control of this situation, Father. Give peace to everyone in NYC and those watching around the globe. Thank You Father, for Your promise that You can bring good out of every situaion. I can't see the good right now, God, but I know You will show it to me in time. Give me the strength and compassion to deal with this, and protect me if I'm sent to serve those affected. In Your name, Amen."
I end my prayer, head out the door and drive to school. On the way there I hear that a third plane has hit the Pentagon. "Oh dear God, we are under attack. This is a war. God, help us." Get to school - place is a ghost town. Classes cancelled. I drive back to Salem, but instead of going home, drove straight to my church.
All of the church staff are gathered around a small TV in the church office. I sit on the floor right in front of the TV, back against one of the desks, and keep watching. I asked our preacher "Are we still going to Romania?" He says "I don't know." We were to leave on the 21st. I said "I probably won't be here, even if you do go. I think I'm out." I knew at this point I was going to respond. I just kept waiting on the pager to go off.
10:00 AM - Image #1 that will forever be etched in my mind. I watch at 9:59 as the south tower starts to fall. I watch firefighters, police officers, politicians, EMTs, innocent civilians... all run for their lives. People with nothing but FEAR on their faces running as fast as they can... for their lives... here in America.
10:10 AM - reports of a plane crashing in Shanksville, PA as a piece of the Pentagon crumbles to the ground
10:28 AM - North tower collapses
10:30 AM - Image #2 that will FOREVER be etched in my mind: I see footage of firefighters crying, grabbing each other in big embraces. I say out loud "That's not supposed to happen." I pray again, "Oh Father, some of my friends just died. I know they did. PLEASE help me deal with the grief that is coming. PLEASE help me know what to do. PLEASE give me the words and wisdom to do my job. Please help me not to let anger take over. PLEASE God, fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding." This is the first and only time tears fell from my eyes that day.
11:09 AM - my pager goes off - my DRT is on standby - for DC
Sometime around noon I finally reach my DRT leader via phone. I tell him "I can't go to DC. I HAVE to go to NYC. My friends are buried in all of that. I HAVE to go to NYC." He says "I will see what I can do. But our team is ordered to DC."
I go home. I unpack the school bags and pack my DRT bag instead. I saw the looks of fear and dread on my parents faces. They knew I was going to go. They didn't like it, but they knew they couldn't stop me. They didn't even try to talk about it. They knew better. They knew it was like breathing to me to respond to situations just like this.
2:30 PM - My DRT leader calls me back. Our team is 3rd wave to DC. He is working on getting me in on 3rd wave with a team to NYC. He'll keep me posted.
By now I've talked to a handful of friends all over the country. All ended the calls with, "Be careful up there." Everyone knew I was going. All were scared. But none said "Don't go."
8:30 PM - I finally get news I've waited for - and it wasn't good. Chief Downey was among the missing and was presumed dead because of his location at the time of the collapses. I pray again that the anger and grief will be covered with the peace that only God can provide.
September 21, 2001 - instead of heading to Romania, I head to NYC
Fast-forward...
After spending months counseling firefighters, widows & kids of 9/11, then years running programs for the surviving kids, I marry a NYC fireman who was in the north tower as the south tower collapsed. A year later we have twin boys. Don dubs them his "new twin towers." It took us months to talk about what we both dealt with at the WTC site. We've gone to funerals and memorial services. We've spent every 9/11 morning until last year at the firehouse. Today we talk about the fact that he's sick because of 9/11. September 11th is an everyday part of our lives - whether we like it or not.
Way fast-forward...
May 2, 2011 - Don wakes me up at 6:40 AM. He says calmly, softly, quietly and with very little emotion "Osama Bin Laden is dead." My immediate response was "yeah, right." Don told me the details from the news. Then he says "people are out in the streets all over the place celebrating - from the White House to Trade Centers to the Mets game last night to the Capitol Lawn." I said "WHY are people celebrating a murder? Don't they know that this is just going to cause those terrorists to get angry and retaliate? Don't they know that by murdering him we have just opened ourselves up to even worse attacks and unmentionable torture of Americans all over the world?! He kills a bunch of innocent people and we go and murder him - so guess what? - they come and kill more innocent people. Why are we celebrating?! The only death we should ever celebrate is Christ's - because His was a victory over ALL death."
There was no celebrating in this 9/11 household this morning. Bin Laden is directly responsible for the fact that my husband is slowly dying from 9/11 toxicity - but we weren't rejoicing that he'd been murdered! Instead - we expressed gratitude that justice had been served and went about our day. I started my quiet time with quiet thanks to God for justice being served for those who perished that day - and who are still dying today. I prayed for protection of our troops - especially those overseas in Afghanistan, Iraq and other countries filled with terrorist cells - and specifically for my nephew Ben who is a Marine serving in one of those areas right now. I prayed that those gloating about the death of a man will realize that's not what God would have us do. The images of people celebrating in the streets as if America had just won the world Super Bowl made me feel sick. Don't get me wrong - I am just as patriotic and thankful for our military as a person could possibly be. But I refuse to take joy in the murder of any man - even him. I can't tell you how many people hated me when I said "You know, Christ died for Osama Bin Laden too." I fully believe with all of my heart that if Bin Laden had turned to God and asked for forgiveness that he'd have been forgiven. As far as any of us know, he blatantly chose to deny God. That's his choice - just as much as it is yours and mine. We make the choice to follow Him or deny Him. We face the consequences when Christ judges us. Bin Laden was a sinner. So are you and I. We all deserve to die. Christ died on that cross so that we wouldn't have to. It's a gift we have to choose to accept or deny. We should be grieved that Bin Laden denied that gift - not dancing in the streets that he died without accepting it. I refuse to think this is "the end" of this war on terror. I refuse to think "this avenges 9/11." I know I am in the minority and will lose friends over my stance on this - but I don't care. I have to stand up for what I believe is right - and cheering over the death of a lost man is not.
Ezekiel 33:11
Obadiah (the entire book)
Proverbs 24:17
Romans 12:9
Romans 13:1-7
Don't celebrate or gloat over the death. Give God praise that justice was served and pray for His will to continue to unfold. Pray for the safety of our troops who are still over there in harm's way. Pray that the cycle of violence will cease. Pray for the families of 9/11 who are still hurting and dealing with the effects of that day. Take all of your rejoicing and celebrating and turn it into something more beneficial to His kingdom.
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