I'm sitting here staring at the computer with hundreds of thoughts racing through my mind of things I want to share, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm at week 3 of the "sickies" (round 7 or 8), and for the first time ever had to back out of a youth ministry speaking engagement. We're facing what Don & I considered to be our worst possible nightmare 6 1/2 years ago when we began discussing starting a family. We're dealing with a revolving door of friends and family leaving to go to the war in Afghanistan & surrounding countries, and those on their way back, or who just recently returned only to find out they are heading back this winter. All 3 of our kids have been taking turns since mid-November with this same respiratory and eye infection. There've been countless funerals and announcements of those who are finding out they are sick from 9/11. We've had the announcement of Bin Laden's death followed by constant droning of military aircraft over our city, reminders of the 10 year anniversary coming up, and discussions of our plans for this year's firehouse breakfast/lunch and whether I will risk going to lower Manhattan to be with fellow responders for the anniversary, or whether we all play it safe (out of fear?) and stay home that day - or even get away from NYC altogether for that weekend. I've had to deal with this wrist injury for almost 3 months, Don's had his physical issues to continue dealing with, and other family members have had health issues come up. On top of all of these stressors are the normal everyday things we have to do - raising our kids, keeping the house livable at least, my schoolwork, his work & traveling, t-ball practice, the boys' homework, extended family responsibilities and demands, and expectations from friends to at least remain on speaking terms if not see each other once in a blue moon.
In the midst of all of the storms raging around us, there has been a bubble of absolute peace over our house. Never has it been so calm inside these four walls. Each day when I wake up, instead of seeing all of those storms, I am seeing God's hand. Each day as we focus on the tasks-at-hand and do what has to get done, I'm trusting that He's got it all under control. Each night as we go to bed, we're not laying down with burdens or troubled hearts. We're resting in complete peace.
Someone asked me the other day how I can stay so positive and strong through all of the chaos going on in our lives. I just laughed. It's not me. If it was up to me to be happy, positive, full of joy or strong through this - I'd be a heap of a crying mess curled up in a ball on the floor blocking out the sights & sounds. Thankfully, it's not up to me. All that's expected of me is to keep my eyes on the Father, trust Him, and walk in obedience to His directions. At times it seems that I'm on a tightrope 1000 miles in the air with winds howling all around me, but there is no fear, no uncertainty and no doubt. I'll admit - there's been some frustrations. But each time I start to feel those frustrations surface, He's always reminded me that it's all in His time, not mine, and to not lose heart.
Would I voluntarily choose to go through these storms? No. But I wouldn't trade this time in our lives for anything, because it's during these storms that we're seeing His work in our lives and seeing His hands moving. I heard someone say this week "In order to learn peace you have to experience chaos." It's true. Now we know what Jesus meant when He said He would give us the "peace that passes all understanding." I can't explain the peace to you. All I can say is that we are calm, we are at peace, and we are free to continue living without fear, no matter how bad the storms around us get. They can keep blowing all they want - because I know they can't get to us. They can't shake us and they can't destroy us. We're being held in bigger Hands.
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