Warrior

Today's goal - "Get 4 miles in. Focus is mileage, not speed, pace or time."

Weather - it had been raining off and on all morning, had cleared, but air was still damp. It was 39 degrees. Roads were damp but not slick or really wet.

I started off with a positive outlook. I knew I could do 4 miles. I had been doing great all week and last week was no problem. However, last week was mostly walking. This week, my goal was to run with some rest breaks of walking. My intervals were set for 2 minutes running, 1 minute walking, but my goal was to see if I could go longer than the 2 minutes before walking.

Ten seconds into my run, my thoughts were, "This is not going to be good." It was cold. The air was heavy. I was struggling already to breathe. Not a great combination for a runner with asthma. I felt comfortable in the clothes I was in - a little chilly, but I knew I would warm up quickly and one of my biggest challenges is to keep myself from overheating, because if I do, my body cannot regulate itself and I could be right back to where I was after the Tahoe half last October. It is always in the back of my mind and something that I pay the closest attention to. I was confident that I was dressed appropriately, but my lungs were definitely a totally different matter. It hurt.

I pushed myself to just go. Not fast, but in a running form, but a slow jog pace. It was awful. By the end of the first mile I was in a very negative frame of mind and was ready to just walk the other 3 miles.

I varied my route a bit today and knew that from where I was, mile 2 was going to be mostly level and downhill. I convinced myself that it was going to be a lot easier and more manageable than mile 1. After all, my mile 1 is always tough. I would not quit unless mile 2 was just as horrible as mile 1 had been.

I started running at 0.82 and did not stop until 1.6. Then, I walked for about 45 seconds. It was then that I decided I needed to stop looking at my watch or listening to the interval beeps and just go. I vowed to not look at  my watch again until I was at least around the loop.

I turned and was on a stretch of road where I could see a green sign I knew was about 1/4-0.3 miles ahead, and convinced myself if I could just run to that sign, I could begin walking for the rest of today's route. I told myself that sign was the finish line. I easily finished the mile running. By running, we're talking turtle-easy pace... like I probably could have been walking almost as fast. However, I was realizing that I had just run further with less walk breaks again than I'd ever been able to in the past. I noticed as I got to the green sign that I was supposed to turn before it and continue on my route, but I thought to myself, if I said that green sign was my finish line, by golly I'm crossing that finish line. So I actually ran to it and then turned to walk back to the route. As I walked what I knew was about a tenth of a mile, I began to feel like I could probably run again. I knew the route by heart and thought, I can probably run from here to the intersection up around the bend. I began turtle-running again. As soon as I did, I heard...

Staring down the face of fear
Gotta keep breathing

I had brought my iPod with me today for the first time since my return to running. I had not really noticed the music until that moment. I began to listen to the lyrics.

I realized I was facing that same fear and that all I needed to do was keep breathing and keep pushing forward. My breathing had actually gotten a lot easier during mile 2, and I knew I could do mile 3 just as well as I did mile 2. 

When the negative is all you hear
Gotta keep believing

I also then realized all those negatives inside my head telling me this run was awful, that I was never going to be able to finish, that I was going to struggle forever, that I was never going to be able to do a 5K again, much less a half-marathon... those thoughts needed to go away. I thought "what would they be saying to me right now if they heard what I was thinking? What would they remind me?" Today is not about time or speed. It's about getting 4 miles in. I could walk the entire 4 miles and it would still be successful. I have already done more than half of this. I can do this. Believe. Yes. Keep believing - that's what's always pushed me through before.

'Cause in the dark there is a light

Your truth it keeps on burning bright

Brave enough to fight the fight

And shout the battle cry

You'll never stop me I'm a warrior

I found myself perking up, believing again "YES I CAN" and digging deep to find the fighter again. That glimmer of light is still there. I can do this. 

When I fall down I get stronger

Faith is my shield, His love is the armor

I'm a warrior 

Yeah, I've fallen pretty far. I'm starting over. But I'm starting over stronger than I was before. I've got this. I can do this. Warrior. That's my motto for running this year. Warrior. 

Every scar on my skin
Is a beautiful reminder
Of a moment when I didn't give in
And I walked through fire

I can do this. Warrior. I can use this past year to remind me of when I couldn't run a step and remember I CAN do this now. I GET to run now. I am ABLE to do this. I didn't give in for the year of being told no. Now, on the other side of that fire, I'm free to run. I can. I will. 

I will keep the hope aliveI will find the strength insideI will keep the hope aliveI am a warrior, I will surviveI will keep the hope aliveI will find the strength insideI will keep the hope aliveWarriorYou'll never stop me, I'm a warriorWhen I fall down I get strongerYou'll never stop me, I'm a warriorWhen I fall down I get stronger

At this point, all I could do was just listen to the lyrics and keep going. My brain just stopped trying to think things through and just went with repeating the words. My thoughts and attitudes had done a complete 180. THIS. This is where I needed my mindset to be when I was reaching for those goals. 

I'm SO glad I decided to bring the iPod along today. Never underestimate the power of the perfect song at the perfect time. 

After the song ended, a fun song came on. With that came a fun thought - "If I can just keep running now until I get to the base of the big hill, I get to walk up the hill and then I can be done!" So, I ran (like a turtle). Just as I hit the base of the hill, I hit the 3 mile marker. So, instead of walking up the hill, I thought, "well, let's see how far we can tiki up this thing." You guys.... I ran up the whole hill! Now, let's keep it real, I was dying by the time I hit the top and rewarded myself by saying I get to walk the rest of the 4 miles. But I was smiling. I had conquered the hill AND 3 miles. 

As I rounded the bend, I began to feel like I had a little more run in me. So I decided to jog easy down the next block. It was easy. No struggle at all. But, I had to force myself to stop running and to just walk the rest of the route. I felt like I could keep going, I knew I was able to, and I really wanted to, but I also didn't want to hear any shouting from my coaches/trainers or doctors. So, I stuck to the 4 miles. But finishing what started off to be the worst run ever with a huge change in mood and attitude was the best feeling ever. 

As I finished the walk towards home I began listing all of the positives from today's run: 

I can run bigger stretches of time/distance. I am definitely coming back stronger than before.

I can push through the tough parts if I just get my focus on something in the not-so-distant view and just keep moving forward. Find a finish line ahead and just reach it before deciding to stop. Chances are, once I reach it, I'll be fired up and ready to go some more. Little goals. Those little goals get me to the bigger goals. 

I did not experience any physical or medical issues during a 4 mile run. I recovered very quickly. I have been eating consistently clean and healthy. I carb-loaded a bit more yesterday than I'd had all week. I hydrated well all week. It all must have worked great - because I felt wonderful. I had some pain in my left foot at about 3 1/2 miles - but that's over a mile further than last time before it started! 

When it's supposed to be a slow, easy, long run, don't worry about the time. Just go and enjoy the run. Stop looking at my watch and just go.

If I can do 4 miles now, in the cold and damp, I have plenty of time to build on that to be ready for 6 miles in April, when it will hopefully be a little more cooperative on the weather-end. 

When I start hearing negatives in my head during my run, I can change those thoughts and start listing positives and reminding myself of the tough moments today when Warrior turned them around. 

When I actually did look at my watch, it wasn't as bad as I had thought. My second mile was of course better than the rest. Okay - so my first mile has always been my worst. It's my warm-up. I need to push through that first mile and know it gets easier as I go. But, really, with this run being a SLOW, steady, distance run, not a time-oriented or pace-oriented goal, I did what I set out to do. It's not where I want to be and certainly not as fast as I have been able to go before, but it's a great starting point. Perspective can help a lot. 

 

When I looked at my pace/elevation chart - I cracked up. Yes - I am a downhill runner. My fastest pace was a 9:58 - at the big downhill portion of the run. My slowest was 18:56 - when I was walking up an incline. I was consistently faster on the level and downhill portions than on the uphill. It's a good thing Tahoe will be mostly downhill! 

Keeping it real again, I looked at my watch and my first thought was, "It took me an hour  to do 4 miles?! I used to do 6 miles in that time! How am I ever going to get that fast again?!" I immediately said to myself, "NO!" I refused to let the negative creep in. I began reminding myself that this was my first "long" run back, that I had 3 months from tomorrow before my race, which is plenty of time, that if I keep consistently following the plan, I'll be ready, and that I have already come back stronger and can absolutely do this in time. It's going to be hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay, because I'm competitive and I'm frustrated with having to start over. But, having neighbors waving and a couple speaking words of encouragement as I passed them, having an awesome group of running coaches/trainers/teammates/friends constantly encouraging me to keep going, and having a plan in place are all pointing me on the way to success. I am my own worst enemy at times and I have got to re-train my mind just like I am re-training my body. That takes time. I'm not the most patient person around (stop laughing), so it may be harder to retrain my mind than it will be to retrain my body! 

Throwing this out there yet again - I really would love for people to join me for one of my 3 scheduled races, or even for a slow jog/fast walk during my training. I do a lot better with staying positive and motivated when I have company. 

So - if you want to join me on a training run/walk, message me. If you are free March 9th in Knoxville, April 13th in Roanoke, or June 15th in Tahoe, please come. You don't have to run if you don't want. Just be there. :) 

Registration for each event - 

March 9th - Knoxville - Solid Rock 5K/10K/1 mile

April 13th - Roanoke - Blue Ridge marathon, half and 10K

USE CODE - AMBASSADORKRISTI20 to save 20% off any of the race distances

June 15th - Tahoe - Rock Tahoe Half

For each event, when asked if you want to join a team, select "CareRunners"