What a Week

Monday's run was probably the highlight of my week. The rest has been a challenge.

Tuesday, at 3:35 PM, my department was told we needed to pack up and vacate our office by Friday. A new staff person was coming to the school who needed their own private office, so we were being parceled back out to our academy workrooms. {Thankfully, I had already begun creating a little space for myself in a fellow teacher's room, so I just packed and moved to her room permanently. I ended up with more space, less stress and a spot to call my own. The downside was, I wouldn't get to see my 3 closest friends on a daily basis at school anymore.}

After receiving the news Tuesday, my stress level was high, my frustration level was high, and I felt horrible. I knew the tumors throughout my body were likely secreting more cortisol in response to the increased stress, which was in turn increasing my insulin level, and creating the now-familiar neuro symptoms. But, since I had volleyball that night, I knew I would probably get it under control and pull it together quickly... and then volleyball happened. Normally, I love to go play and practice. I enjoy the easy camaraderie of all of the other players. We share a lot of laughs and fun times. This Tuesday, though, I just wasn't focused, wasn't playing well, felt irritable, and just wasn't into it. My co-worker and I left earlier than normal and I wasn't feeling much better. The stressfulness and symptoms continued all night and into Wednesday. But, as I quickly packed and got moved within the first hour and a half of the day, I began to calm down and the symptoms began to settle down.

Wednesday afternoon, I had promised my boys I'd take them to the gym for a workout. So we went. What I hadn't counted on was Don leaving for a doctor appointment in NY before we left for the gym. I thought he was leaving Thursday, not Wednesday. So, I had to get the girls ready to go to the Kid City at the gym too, which sometimes takes some prodding. Thankfully, the girls were on board and jumped right into the car, ready to go. So off to the gym for a quick and easy workout. I rowed a mile as my boys took turns running laps and rowing. Then we did some weight work on machines. I was really taking it easy. I kept thinking I wanted to run, and felt ready to, but I was exhausted after moving stuff during the morning at school, and then organizing off and on the rest of the day. So, skipped the idea of a run and just took it easy.

Thursday afternoon, I wasn't feeling great, it was raining, and I decided it was best to have a zero day. I was surprised that I was okay with this. I was doing so well doing something every single day this year and wanted to keep going, but I knew the all-out rest was exactly what I needed that day.

However, then when it came time to run Friday, I still wasn't feeling great, and I just didn't want to run. I did it anyway, but it felt awful. Just terrible. I was only supposed to do 1.4 miles in less than 20 minutes, running as much as possible. I started out and 30 seconds later just knew I was not going to be able to run far. I was wheezing, my hands were numb, I had a headache, my knee hurt, my ankles hurt, and I was just miserable. It didn't help that I had cracked my elbow in a doorway an hour before I started running. It hurt - enough to wonder if I had chipped a bone. Well, I kept going, miserable as I was, knowing it was mile 1 and knowing it always stunk. But, when I heard my watch beep a 2 minute interval, I thought, well, let's just do the intervals for a round and see if it helps. I was able to run the full 2 minutes, and then the watch beeped again. I walked a minute. At the beep, I ran 2 minutes again, and thought for sure that there was no chance in running for longer than 2 minutes during this run at all. I decided not to look at the watch at all - just listen for the beeps and go with it. I was able to keep consistent with the 2:1 intervals the entire 1.6 miles. But it didn't feel great. It was a struggle. I began hearing all of the negatives and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't push them away. By the time I got home, I was close to tears. It just felt awful. The heaviest repetitive thought was, "if I can't even do a mile and a half, how am I ever going to be ready to do 13 miles in 5 months?" I know 5 months is more than enough time to get ready, but my patience with my body is gone, and my frustration is great.

I called a friend to vent and cry about the run. They offered nothing more than a listening ear, which kind of frustrated me more, but in hindsight, I got it. I sat down and looked at my watch and the stats. Okay, so it wasn't nearly as terrible as it felt. But it wasn't nearly as great as I had wanted it to be. I was still upset and focused on the negative.

I posted my run to my training page so my new running coach could see it. His response confused me completely. He was so encouraging and supportive about the run. I hadn't completed my run that was on the plan, so I was unhappy. But he thought was I had done was great and had no criticism at all.

So I sat down and looked at it again. No, I hadn't been able to run the entire thing. But, I had been able to consistently use my intervals, and knew I could change it to longer running time intervals for tomorrow's (or Sunday's based on the weather) long run. No, I hadn't gotten those 10 minute mile paces down, but I was a lot faster than I had been averaging and had planned on going. It certainly didn't feel faster as I was doing it, but sometimes we perceive things as much worse than they are. So, I felt terrible and had a bad day. But, it wasn't my final run. It wasn't a race. No matter how bad it was, it was still a run. Historically, whenever I had a horrible training run day, my long weekend run or race day goes wonderfully. Hoping that's the case this time.

My friend posted on Facebook shortly after we talked:

Any run, no matter how awful it seems, is better than no run. Be happy and proud of what you can do, instead of being frustrated about what you weren’t able to do YET. Celebrate the small victories.

I know I should be grateful to be able to run again, no matter how slow or difficult it is. I know it takes time to get back. I just feel like I'm making no progress at times, and I feel like it's never going to get easier. Sometimes it helps to have other people talking to me about my runs from a different perspective.

When I logged on this morning, I saw this:

This one hit home. Yeah, yesterday stunk. But it was still 1.6 miles of running and will still help make me stronger. If the weather cooperates and there's a break in the rain and storms later, I'm going to attempt my 4 mile run. If not, I'm going to get up tomorrow and do it - no matter how long it takes me or how rough it feels.

Another thing that came up this morning - my first mile is normally my warm-up. It's always my hardest mile (until we get to like 9 or 10). So, maybe it's just that my automatic "first mile stinks" mentality that is making these shorter runs so much harder for me. I just want to go out and run 4-6 miles. I know I can. I despise shorter runs. By the time I get warmed up it's time to stop. I hate that. But, I also know my new running coach knows what he's doing and maybe it's time to focus on those shorter runs and drills I neglected for so long. I'm sure eventually I'll be able to see my own progress and my longer runs will get easier again. Until then, relying on the encouragement of the runners around me and that deep desire to conquer Mill Mountain and Tahoe again to keep me moving forward.


Don't forget - registration is also open for the Blue Ridge Marathon in Roanoke, VA. Race day is April 13th. You can use AMBASSADORKRISTI20 to save 20% off any of the race distances - full marathon, half-marathon, 10K or the double marathon. Register at : Blue Ridge Marathon

And registration is ongoing for the Rock Tahoe Half in Stateline, NV on June 15th. Register at: Rock Tahoe 2019

Don't forget to select team CareRunners when asked if you'd like to join a team!

Finally, our CareRunners team is hosting their annual Super Bowl Squares for Charity. Cost is $10/square. Please visit their Facebook page for more info. Help us raise money for some of our favorite charities and have the chance to win $150-$600 yourself in the process! It's a great deal!! 
Find out more at : https://www.facebook.com/CareRunnersUS/