This has been such a difficult week. Physically. Emotionally.
I was on such a high after my trail race Saturday. I feel like it all just came crashing down around me that night and into Sunday. By Monday, I was a mess. I did not want to go back to work. I'm really struggling to get into this school year. I just don't feel up to it. At all.
On top of that, I've been feeling incredibly invisible lately. It feels like no matter what I do or how well I think I do something - it's never enough. I'm never good enough, fast enough, strong enough, fit enough, patient enough, and on and on. I've had to work a thousand times harder this week not to slip back into old coping habits that weren't necessarily healthy ones.
Tonight, our coach had to miss our group run, but as we've done in the past, we carried on without him. Three of us ladies showed up and ran together while talking. By the end of the run, I was an emotional wreck. I just couldn't hold the tears in and thought about the chain of events that was leading to the meltdown, trying to pinpoint where the real problem was.
I'm still not sure what's really going on and how much is just work-induced stress on top of being single mom again this week and not sleeping well. But, whatever it is, something's got to give soon. I can't keep going like this for much longer. SO looking forward to the weekend. Not sure the race is going to go well, but I will at least have some down time and hopefully time to rest.
In the middle of all of this chaos, I had four different coworkers commenting on how strong I am, how amazing I am, how much weight I've lost, how inspired they are by me... and I just wanted to laugh at them and let them know they are only seeing the high notes. One of the coworkers commented on how invincible I was - and my first thought was, "don't you mean invisible?" I guess it's all a matter of perspective.
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Saturday, July 27, 2019
That was AWESOME
Panther Creek State Park is about an hour to an hour and 15 minutes north and east of our home in Knoxville. I set out really early and made it there with plenty of time before the start to walk over and get my packet, walk back and leave stuff in the car, walk/run back and do some warmups, walk BACK to the parking lot with my coach and his wife, and then walk BACK over to the start area with coach's wife while coach warmed up. It was BEAUTIFUL out. I was loving the lower temps and misty-fog morning.
We did a group start for the race - with both the half-marathoners and 4 milers starting together. I knew that meant there would be some jostling for trail position. When the mini cannon went off (very loudly), I set out at a faster-than-normal pace. I just wanted to get on the trail and not have to fight to pass anyone.
I kept up with some lead runners for a good 1/2 mile. That shocked me beyond belief. Around 3/4 of a mile, a handful of runners passed me. When we got to the turnoff for the half-marathon, all but one person near me turned to go the longer route. I stayed with the lone 4 miler as we ran around the edge of the meadow. I paused at the water stop to get a drink, letting her move on ahead. I turned to get a feel for where the rest of the crowd was. There were about 6 or 7 runners in sight coming around the field. I set off up the hill at a much slower pace. A couple of the runners caught up to me. We hit the top of the hill and I began pushing again. I passed the ones who had passed me. Then it evened out and we found ourselves running together in a pack. We began having pleasant snippets of conversation as we ran. All were super-nice folks and it was nice to have a little distraction. We kept together most of the way through mile 3. As we started up the bigger incline we got further apart but still within sight. As we came out onto the road we all took off for the finish line. When I saw the clock I wanted to cry. I had hit significantly faster than I thought I'd be able to, and was really happy with the results.
The guys in my pack I finished with all placed together -
I found coach's wife and we hung out waiting for the awards. I finally walked over to check the screen and was both laughing and groaning immediately. Had I been in ANY other age group but my own, I would have either won or placed. But, I finished 4th in my group. I was okay with that. It was a great race, and I am proud of my finish time. I knew I had held back on some of the uphills and tried to be more cautious than usual. But, I'd still managed to come close to a pace I was running on roads just a few weeks ago, and much faster than I'd trained at Haw Ridge. I know now that I am going to be fine with the 10K trail race in December, and that's all I need for now.
I had to laugh at my photos though.
I'm in this photo. Really. I am. See the braid and purple fabric behind the lady in coral? Yep. That's me.
Oh, and here I am again - the blur behind the feature.
Which makes it even funnier when my coach gets this epic, beautiful picture with gorgeous tree canopy background -
We did a group start for the race - with both the half-marathoners and 4 milers starting together. I knew that meant there would be some jostling for trail position. When the mini cannon went off (very loudly), I set out at a faster-than-normal pace. I just wanted to get on the trail and not have to fight to pass anyone.
I kept up with some lead runners for a good 1/2 mile. That shocked me beyond belief. Around 3/4 of a mile, a handful of runners passed me. When we got to the turnoff for the half-marathon, all but one person near me turned to go the longer route. I stayed with the lone 4 miler as we ran around the edge of the meadow. I paused at the water stop to get a drink, letting her move on ahead. I turned to get a feel for where the rest of the crowd was. There were about 6 or 7 runners in sight coming around the field. I set off up the hill at a much slower pace. A couple of the runners caught up to me. We hit the top of the hill and I began pushing again. I passed the ones who had passed me. Then it evened out and we found ourselves running together in a pack. We began having pleasant snippets of conversation as we ran. All were super-nice folks and it was nice to have a little distraction. We kept together most of the way through mile 3. As we started up the bigger incline we got further apart but still within sight. As we came out onto the road we all took off for the finish line. When I saw the clock I wanted to cry. I had hit significantly faster than I thought I'd be able to, and was really happy with the results.
The guys in my pack I finished with all placed together -
I found coach's wife and we hung out waiting for the awards. I finally walked over to check the screen and was both laughing and groaning immediately. Had I been in ANY other age group but my own, I would have either won or placed. But, I finished 4th in my group. I was okay with that. It was a great race, and I am proud of my finish time. I knew I had held back on some of the uphills and tried to be more cautious than usual. But, I'd still managed to come close to a pace I was running on roads just a few weeks ago, and much faster than I'd trained at Haw Ridge. I know now that I am going to be fine with the 10K trail race in December, and that's all I need for now.
I had to laugh at my photos though.
I'm in this photo. Really. I am. See the braid and purple fabric behind the lady in coral? Yep. That's me.
Which makes it even funnier when my coach gets this epic, beautiful picture with gorgeous tree canopy background -
They even got another angle for him. I guess when you finish almost 2 miles ahead of the 2nd place person, and there's no one else around, they have time to take some great shots. This one has to be titled "follow the red" (sorry - yes - I had to) -
Later, the photographer did email me this photo. I love it. I may still be in the background, but it's a nice trail photo. Plus, note how I had caught up to them before the "invisible" and "blur" photos. Just saying.
I really did love this event and would certainly go back and run it again. It was such a beautiful race. I'd definitely recommend this one for anyone who is looking for a first time trail race. It was a great mix of terrain, required some focus but wasn't overly technical, and while hilly, it was a solid (somewhat challenging but mostly easy) trail race, with a great group of friendly & supportive runners and race staff.
Monday, July 22, 2019
Race Free Week
Last Sunday, I managed to do some laps in the pool to help recover from the 3K/8K. I felt okay, just tired. On Monday, I attempted to run. Attempted being the key word. It felt sluggish and slow. I just really wasn't feeling it and had to use a lot of walk intervals. It's funny that my sluggishly slow and turtle-feeling runs are still faster than my all-out effort runs a few weeks ago. I managed to do an OCR workout Monday, so it wasn't a total loss of a workout day.
On Tuesday, I went to run class. I was feeling a little tense about it, knowing my Tuesday run class times were coming to an end soon because of work. It felt like a disaster. I was supposed to do 400 meter cutdowns. I started the warm up lap fine. I felt bad, but not like running was impossible. Then I went for the first 400 meter interval. Around 250-300 meters later, I bailed. I just knew I could not make it to the 400 meter mark. I couldn't breathe. My legs felt like they were made of lead, and I was tired. We decided to do a 200 meter repeat workout instead of the 400 meters, and I started again. The 200s went well, but I was still frustrated. I felt like I'd never be able to complete a 400 meter repeat workout. Every single time, something goes wrong.
After run class, I headed to the pool. I had two lessons to teach and managed to squeeze in a very easy 500 yard swim to get my muscles to loosen up a bit.
Following swim, I had a doctor appointment. As most of you know, that was causing more than a little anxiety. Don informed me this morning he was taking the kids to Pigeon Forge to see their Michigan cousins who were in town to play ball, so I was on my own (as usual when facing scary medical stuff). My friend and teammate wasn’t having that, so she arranged child care for her kids and texted me to say she was going with me. She showed up as I was leaving work and drove me to the appointment, sat with me through the entire thing, and kept me distracted, relaxed, laughing, and as worry-free as possible. These are the moments that remind me how blessed I am with this amazing (albeit crazy 😜 ) run group family. I couldn’t ask for a better pack.
On Wednesday evening, the group run moved over to Haw Ridge to tackle a trail run together. I appreciated my coach so quickly making this possible when I asked about training on a trail before my race. However, this run was tough.
Following the group trail run, I was still on edge and needed to run more. One of my teammates asked if I wanted her to join me for another mile or mile and a half. We set off on the asphalt trail as our coach headed back into the woods to do the trail run a second time.
Believe it or not, on Thursday, I had a complete rest day. No run, no swim, no OCR, no strength - nothing. Just a day off.
Friday I was back for another attempt at 400 meter repeats in run class. I did 4 very consistent 400s but then bailed to do just 200 on #5. I did a 6th run but kept it at 200. It was better than I had been doing, so I'll take it. I'm still waiting on the day I can actually complete all 6 400 meter repeats in 1 workout.
Early Saturday morning, four of us met at the gate to Cades Cove and set out on a quick 5-6 mile loop run. It was beautiful. We saw a bear, a bunch of deer & turkeys, and had some great conversations as we ran. It wasn't very sunny and the temps were more comfortable than they have been most of the summer.
Sunday, I squeezed in a 1000 meter swim between teaching swim lessons, and then called it a day. I was feeling pretty sore.
My race insanity starts next Saturday with my first trail race in over 5 years. I'm really looking forward to it, but hesitant about it being on the trail. I'm not sure how my body is going to react to it. Wednesday evening was rough. I just hope I can make it all 4.2 miles.
On Tuesday, I went to run class. I was feeling a little tense about it, knowing my Tuesday run class times were coming to an end soon because of work. It felt like a disaster. I was supposed to do 400 meter cutdowns. I started the warm up lap fine. I felt bad, but not like running was impossible. Then I went for the first 400 meter interval. Around 250-300 meters later, I bailed. I just knew I could not make it to the 400 meter mark. I couldn't breathe. My legs felt like they were made of lead, and I was tired. We decided to do a 200 meter repeat workout instead of the 400 meters, and I started again. The 200s went well, but I was still frustrated. I felt like I'd never be able to complete a 400 meter repeat workout. Every single time, something goes wrong.
After run class, I headed to the pool. I had two lessons to teach and managed to squeeze in a very easy 500 yard swim to get my muscles to loosen up a bit.
Following swim, I had a doctor appointment. As most of you know, that was causing more than a little anxiety. Don informed me this morning he was taking the kids to Pigeon Forge to see their Michigan cousins who were in town to play ball, so I was on my own (as usual when facing scary medical stuff). My friend and teammate wasn’t having that, so she arranged child care for her kids and texted me to say she was going with me. She showed up as I was leaving work and drove me to the appointment, sat with me through the entire thing, and kept me distracted, relaxed, laughing, and as worry-free as possible. These are the moments that remind me how blessed I am with this amazing (albeit crazy 😜 ) run group family. I couldn’t ask for a better pack.
The medical scare appears to be just another crazy acute reaction to the neurotoxin crud, but we will know more in a couple of weeks. With that comes both relief and frustration - but focusing on the relief and pushing forward. The doctor and nurse practitioner both seemed fairly confident that it’s nothing to worry about, so I am going to hold onto that and figure out how to get a better handle on the nerve pain that’s been pretty tough to deal with the past couple of weeks. Hopefully it will settle down soon.
On Wednesday evening, the group run moved over to Haw Ridge to tackle a trail run together. I appreciated my coach so quickly making this possible when I asked about training on a trail before my race. However, this run was tough.
Following the group trail run, I was still on edge and needed to run more. One of my teammates asked if I wanted her to join me for another mile or mile and a half. We set off on the asphalt trail as our coach headed back into the woods to do the trail run a second time.
Believe it or not, on Thursday, I had a complete rest day. No run, no swim, no OCR, no strength - nothing. Just a day off.
Friday I was back for another attempt at 400 meter repeats in run class. I did 4 very consistent 400s but then bailed to do just 200 on #5. I did a 6th run but kept it at 200. It was better than I had been doing, so I'll take it. I'm still waiting on the day I can actually complete all 6 400 meter repeats in 1 workout.
Early Saturday morning, four of us met at the gate to Cades Cove and set out on a quick 5-6 mile loop run. It was beautiful. We saw a bear, a bunch of deer & turkeys, and had some great conversations as we ran. It wasn't very sunny and the temps were more comfortable than they have been most of the summer.
Sunday, I squeezed in a 1000 meter swim between teaching swim lessons, and then called it a day. I was feeling pretty sore.
My race insanity starts next Saturday with my first trail race in over 5 years. I'm really looking forward to it, but hesitant about it being on the trail. I'm not sure how my body is going to react to it. Wednesday evening was rough. I just hope I can make it all 4.2 miles.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Crazy 8s definitely lived up to the Crazy thing
The drive to Kingsport was long, but uneventful. My teammate and I chatted the entire way, stopping in Baileyton for a quick dinner. We arrived in plenty of time before the race, checked in, walked around, did some warm-ups, and still had time to just hang out. We met up with some of the college runners our coach works with, and then with another teammate.
I lined up for the 3K with little stress or concern. I had a goal in mind - 22 minutes or less - thinking it's a 2 mile race, so I just need to hit around 11 each mile. It shouldn't be a problem. While I was running, I still was thinking 22 was a good goal. I felt strong, but I could also tell I wasn't 100%. I was already thinking about the 8K, and knew it was not going to go well. The air was SO heavy and there was a ton of lightning in the distance. It was difficult to breathe and it was late. I was tired.
As I rounded the turn up to the stadium, I heard one of the college runners call out to me and it helped push me up the hill and into the final turn. I finished in 19:30, with a 10:21 pace!! I was thrilled. But, I was also hurting and not feeling great. I knew I had to make a decision about the 8K very soon. I spoke to my teammate and said I was thinking I'd just walk the 8K. She decided she'd walk it with me, if that was really what I wanted to do. As happy as my coach was with the 3K, he was fully supportive of the decision to walk the 8K. He knew I had only planned to do the 8K for mileage and that I'd been more focused on the 3K, and I knew he wanted me to still be able to run my other upcoming races and not kill myself trying to hit both of these races in one night.
My teammate and I lined up with the runners and started the 8K at a good pace. We gradually began to slow and move out of the way, and finally hit a walk. We walked and talked, met some other walkers, and just tried to enjoy the evening. By mile 2, we both felt awful. When we reached the turn up to the stadium, we bailed. I texted my coach immediately and got nothing but support for the decision. We sat for a few minutes watching the runners go by, and cheered for our teammate as he ran towards the finish line. We eventually got up and continued the race route, because there was no other way to get where we needed to go. We walked to the finish and I felt horrible about crossing the line without having run the full race. We grabbed some water and headed to the car. We dropped off our teammate at his car and headed towards Knoxville. I was exhausted and it was starting to storm off and on. We drove through some scary storms and finally made it home just after midnight.
I know most people who know me well would think I would be disappointed and upset about the 8K. But, it really didn't bother me. It bothered me more that I had a finish time when I didn't run the race than it did to know I had my first ever Did Not Finish (DNF). I had accomplished and exceeded my goal for the 3K, and I was happy to hold onto that and forget about the disaster of an 8K.
Would I do the Crazy 8s race again? Probably not. It was a LONG drive for the runs, and wasn't the greatest race ever. I'm glad I went, glad I ran, but also glad I played it safe and made the decisions I made. I just don't think it's on my list of races I want to try again anytime soon.
I lined up for the 3K with little stress or concern. I had a goal in mind - 22 minutes or less - thinking it's a 2 mile race, so I just need to hit around 11 each mile. It shouldn't be a problem. While I was running, I still was thinking 22 was a good goal. I felt strong, but I could also tell I wasn't 100%. I was already thinking about the 8K, and knew it was not going to go well. The air was SO heavy and there was a ton of lightning in the distance. It was difficult to breathe and it was late. I was tired.
As I rounded the turn up to the stadium, I heard one of the college runners call out to me and it helped push me up the hill and into the final turn. I finished in 19:30, with a 10:21 pace!! I was thrilled. But, I was also hurting and not feeling great. I knew I had to make a decision about the 8K very soon. I spoke to my teammate and said I was thinking I'd just walk the 8K. She decided she'd walk it with me, if that was really what I wanted to do. As happy as my coach was with the 3K, he was fully supportive of the decision to walk the 8K. He knew I had only planned to do the 8K for mileage and that I'd been more focused on the 3K, and I knew he wanted me to still be able to run my other upcoming races and not kill myself trying to hit both of these races in one night.
My teammate and I lined up with the runners and started the 8K at a good pace. We gradually began to slow and move out of the way, and finally hit a walk. We walked and talked, met some other walkers, and just tried to enjoy the evening. By mile 2, we both felt awful. When we reached the turn up to the stadium, we bailed. I texted my coach immediately and got nothing but support for the decision. We sat for a few minutes watching the runners go by, and cheered for our teammate as he ran towards the finish line. We eventually got up and continued the race route, because there was no other way to get where we needed to go. We walked to the finish and I felt horrible about crossing the line without having run the full race. We grabbed some water and headed to the car. We dropped off our teammate at his car and headed towards Knoxville. I was exhausted and it was starting to storm off and on. We drove through some scary storms and finally made it home just after midnight.
I know most people who know me well would think I would be disappointed and upset about the 8K. But, it really didn't bother me. It bothered me more that I had a finish time when I didn't run the race than it did to know I had my first ever Did Not Finish (DNF). I had accomplished and exceeded my goal for the 3K, and I was happy to hold onto that and forget about the disaster of an 8K.
Would I do the Crazy 8s race again? Probably not. It was a LONG drive for the runs, and wasn't the greatest race ever. I'm glad I went, glad I ran, but also glad I played it safe and made the decisions I made. I just don't think it's on my list of races I want to try again anytime soon.
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Have You Arrived?
This was a tough week. Workouts were tough. Runs were tough. Emotions were tough. Conversations were tough. A lot happened in a short amount of time. At the end of the week though, the moment that stands out the most was a high note.
Monday we took a family trip to Dollywood. It was hot, we didn't stay really long, and it was fun, but there was a lot of stress involved. I got home, barely had time to change clothes, and ran back out the door to go to volleyball. We had to recruit some players since we had so many out of town. I posted a plea for players in the Back of the Pack Elite Facebook group - and immediately had two people willing to come and play. That's one way of getting to know people in the group. We played well together, had a lot of fun, and won our first two games. The third game stayed close, but we eventually lost it. It was a good evening though, and a much needed break.
Tuesday morning I did cutdown 400 meter runs. My first one was slow - 2:11. It was just a "let's see what a normal, slow 400 meters would look like and get an idea of where to go from here." Well, I only went faster from there. 2:02, 1:54, 1:52. That's great for me. The problem was, I was still telling myself I couldn't do it. Even though I could, and I was. After the 1:54, I got a little upset, and didn't think I could repeat it, so I was ready to stop. Before our run class, I had spoken to one of the other trainers, who is a life coach and does a lot with the mental aspect of training/sports. He immediately hit the nail on the head - that I was performance-based, worried about not living up to perceived expectations, and afraid to fail. I went over a few things we discussed with my coach and went back to the starting line. I ran the 1:52 and walked back to my coach. We discussed it and then the decision was made that I would be allowed to run the fifth one, but if I was any faster than 1:55, I was done. No sixth run. I agreed and went to run the 5th one. It felt awful. I felt like I was going super-slow and my form was totally off. But, I finished in 1:54. I walked back, told my coach, and he said, "OK- we're done for the day." It didn't dawn on me until a couple of hours later that I totally could have lied and said it was a 1:56 or even 1:55, and he wouldn't have known until much later when the data was uploaded, but that had not even been a fleeting thought at the time. I knew I could never lie to my coach and that wasn't an option. When I had the thought later, though, I had to laugh.
After the 400 m repeats, I taught some swim lessons. At the end of the last lesson, the mom began asking me a lot of questions about my service at Ground Zero. It was different for me. I hadn't been able to have a conversation like that in a long time, and it really didn't bother me or upset me. I left in a rush afterwards though, to go meet a coworker for lunch. We had planned the lunch date after I let her know about the doctor's phone call and upcoming visit with the cancer specialist. It was a good lunch, great conversation, and wonderful diversion.
Wednesday morning I went to the OCR workout. I've been looking forward to these and couldn't wait, but the early hour was not doing me any favors. I loved the workout - it was so tough. I knew I would feel that one later, but thankfully, we were taking another family trip - this time to Splash Country - so I knew I'd have a nice recovery day. It started off wonderfully, but it didn't take long for the heat and huge crowds at the park to take a toll. Between Don's irritability and my being on edge, it wasn't the best day. During one of the calm moments early in the day, I told him about the upcoming appointment and what my doctor had said when she called with lab work results. The day definitely went downhill from there. When we got home I immediately changed and rushed back out the door for run group. I wasn't planning to run, knowing that Tuesday's run workout and this morning's OCR workout were both a little more intense than normal and my body needed a lighter evening. I walked and talked with a teammate, getting out some of the pent-up thoughts and emotions, and listening as she did the same. Afterwards we did some strength work, and I definitely felt the morning OCR class coming back.
Wednesday evening when I got home, I had a phone call from the wife of one of my DRT members. Our teammate had passed and she told me she'd forward the arrangements to me shortly, so that I could pass them along. I immediately began notifying the rest of my team. I felt like I was back in "robot mode" - just doing my job without thinking about it or letting the emotions creep in. One of the teammates I called asked if I had heard about another responder we knew from another out-of-state team. I hadn't, so they filled me in. Yet another suicide. 9/11 had taken another life. I was frustrated and felt the emotions bubbling up, but continued doing my job. Right before making the last call, I had checked a group page on Facebook to see if they'd announced either death yet. I suddenly felt like I had been punched in the gut. There, on their page, was the face of a friend, with a 9/11 death notification attached. All of the emotions from the entire week spilled over. I just sat on my bed, sobbing. I never knew he was sick. Never had a chance to thank him for always being a rock during the recovery - offering hugs and smiles in the midst of tragedy, being a calming voice, constantly reassuring others - he was just one of those really incredible people who make this world a better place - and now he's gone. I couldn't take it. I made my last call and barely made it through the speech before hanging up and continuing to just sit and cry. I haven't grieved this much over a 9/11 loss in a while. I guess over time I just grew cold to the emotions of it and just accepted "yet another loss" and moved on. But this one... this one hurt. A lot.
Thursday morning, I was still hurting and still too emotional to interact with anyone. I went on my run. 3.5 miles later I was happy that I was able to use running as therapy again. I don't know that I could have worked through the emotions as well if I was still sidelined from running. The run felt good. I even finished with negative splits and a really good pace for me for a long(er) run. I'm still not up to the 5 or 7 miles I'll need for my race Saturday, but I think I'll be okay. I did a post-run workout of 30 dead bugs (15 each side), 15 pushups, 30 second plank, 20 bicep curls, 20 lateral raises, 20 triceps kickbacks, 20 squats, and 20 calf raises.
Right after the run posted, my coach commented. I still wasn't ready to talk to anyone or interact with people in general. Don was getting ready to leave for a funeral for a childhood friend of his and I was trying to get the kids together for their swim meet that evening. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the meet, and I knew I needed alone time before having to face it. I knew my coach would understand. When he text me later though, I also knew I needed to at least check in and let him know I was okay so he didn't worry. I focused on the run during the responses and tried to keep the emotions out of it. I didn't want my overload to spill over into this conversation. I knew he wouldn't care and would listen, but I wasn't ready to discuss it.
The swim meet was torture. I can't even talk about it yet. Too much noise. Too much chaos. We left about halfway through the meet and still weren't home until 10 PM.
Friday morning I headed to the gym for run class and teaching swim lessons. Run class ended up being 2 of us. I did the warmup lap and got ready for the 200s. I ran the first 200m in 58 seconds. Well, it was supposed to be easy. Easy was accomplished. I started the second one. It was supposed to be medium. I hit 52 seconds. Okay, fine. I went to do the third one. Something just clicked. I ran. Form felt good. I felt a couple of hesitation steps, but overall felt like it was good. My lungs were good. I finished. Checked watch. 44 seconds. What in the world?! Where did that come from? I turned and looked back towards my coach who looked as shocked and excited as I felt. He shouted "Have you arrived?!" He had clocked it at 42 seconds. We discussed my form - he had seen those hesitation steps too - but saw them as my right leg turning out a bit. We talked about it and then he said it was the best he had ever seen me run and he had absolutely no complaints about that run. I can't remember being that happy about a run for a while, but it also triggered a memory of Coach Pat at the City Meet back in the late 90s. I had been okay throughout the season on IM, but never great. At the City Meet, things just clicked and I finished with a second place. When I climbed out of the pool, his hands were in the same exact gesture as Sean had just done - and Pat said, "Where the heck did that come from? Where was that all season?!" It has always been a great memory, and when it came rushing back, I had to smile. I really have been blessed with some great coaches in my life. One of the biggest things I realized was that if I could bottle up exactly what I wanted in a coach, this morning's run class with Sean was that exact kind of coaching. Things aren't always perfect, but they are really, really great. The biggest realization of all was that if I had totally flubbed that last 200m and not hit that 42/44 second run, he would still have been right there smiling and coaching and helping me fix it for next time, and it would not have been a failure on my part or a disappointment to him. It's really hard for me sometimes to remember that we really are in this together every day, not just on the good days. Again, very thankful for his patience and consistency.
I headed to swim lessons, got through my work day, and then met with the other trainer/life coach for a walk and talk. Let me just say he asked some really hard questions. Things I did not want to answer. But he did so in a way that felt safe and where I knew he was just trying to help me get to the bottom of some things and deal with them so I could keep moving forward. There are a lot of things that keep piling up in my life and threatening to suffocate me. There is also a lot of fear. Having someone who gets that and who has been there and experienced similar things, and who can say, "Hey - try this" is a huge help. There was no judgement. No shame. No guilt. Just - I hear you, I get it, and I think this is something that might help. Hopefully this will help me get my mind back into the training and races a little better and get me back on track. It's been a rough couple of weeks of second-guessing, fear and hesitation. I'm ready for that to be behind me for sure.
So here we are at Saturday morning. I have two races this evening back to back. Yesterday my coach dropped the bombshell that he would not be there. I am actually okay with that, now that we've talked and I have a plan in place for the evening. I am going to run the 3K as a race - against myself and my own best times. I am then going to run the 8K as a fun run, without wearing my watch and without worrying about time. I just need to get the mileage in. This evening is counting as my long run for the week, and is really just a stepping stone to get me ready for next month. I have a 5K and 2 10Ks in August, and that training steps up this week. This race is basically my kickoff for August racing. All my coach wants is me to show up and run. The other trainer and my coach both want me to have fun and enjoy it. Although I have a goal for the 3K and it will be a little more performance-based, overall, tonight is to be more about me having a good run and far less about performance. Numbers are not important tonight, no matter how my brain is wired to think differently about that. The only thing I'm not looking forward to about tonight is the 2 hour drive each way to get there. Thankfully I have a teammate riding with me to help make the time pass quicker.
Have I arrived? Maybe. Or, maybe it was just a random day where things just clicked. Or, maybe I'm just getting a taste of what's yet to come. Regardless, I'm just happy to have some amazing people with me on the journey, no matter where we are along the way.
Monday we took a family trip to Dollywood. It was hot, we didn't stay really long, and it was fun, but there was a lot of stress involved. I got home, barely had time to change clothes, and ran back out the door to go to volleyball. We had to recruit some players since we had so many out of town. I posted a plea for players in the Back of the Pack Elite Facebook group - and immediately had two people willing to come and play. That's one way of getting to know people in the group. We played well together, had a lot of fun, and won our first two games. The third game stayed close, but we eventually lost it. It was a good evening though, and a much needed break.
Tuesday morning I did cutdown 400 meter runs. My first one was slow - 2:11. It was just a "let's see what a normal, slow 400 meters would look like and get an idea of where to go from here." Well, I only went faster from there. 2:02, 1:54, 1:52. That's great for me. The problem was, I was still telling myself I couldn't do it. Even though I could, and I was. After the 1:54, I got a little upset, and didn't think I could repeat it, so I was ready to stop. Before our run class, I had spoken to one of the other trainers, who is a life coach and does a lot with the mental aspect of training/sports. He immediately hit the nail on the head - that I was performance-based, worried about not living up to perceived expectations, and afraid to fail. I went over a few things we discussed with my coach and went back to the starting line. I ran the 1:52 and walked back to my coach. We discussed it and then the decision was made that I would be allowed to run the fifth one, but if I was any faster than 1:55, I was done. No sixth run. I agreed and went to run the 5th one. It felt awful. I felt like I was going super-slow and my form was totally off. But, I finished in 1:54. I walked back, told my coach, and he said, "OK- we're done for the day." It didn't dawn on me until a couple of hours later that I totally could have lied and said it was a 1:56 or even 1:55, and he wouldn't have known until much later when the data was uploaded, but that had not even been a fleeting thought at the time. I knew I could never lie to my coach and that wasn't an option. When I had the thought later, though, I had to laugh.
After the 400 m repeats, I taught some swim lessons. At the end of the last lesson, the mom began asking me a lot of questions about my service at Ground Zero. It was different for me. I hadn't been able to have a conversation like that in a long time, and it really didn't bother me or upset me. I left in a rush afterwards though, to go meet a coworker for lunch. We had planned the lunch date after I let her know about the doctor's phone call and upcoming visit with the cancer specialist. It was a good lunch, great conversation, and wonderful diversion.
Wednesday morning I went to the OCR workout. I've been looking forward to these and couldn't wait, but the early hour was not doing me any favors. I loved the workout - it was so tough. I knew I would feel that one later, but thankfully, we were taking another family trip - this time to Splash Country - so I knew I'd have a nice recovery day. It started off wonderfully, but it didn't take long for the heat and huge crowds at the park to take a toll. Between Don's irritability and my being on edge, it wasn't the best day. During one of the calm moments early in the day, I told him about the upcoming appointment and what my doctor had said when she called with lab work results. The day definitely went downhill from there. When we got home I immediately changed and rushed back out the door for run group. I wasn't planning to run, knowing that Tuesday's run workout and this morning's OCR workout were both a little more intense than normal and my body needed a lighter evening. I walked and talked with a teammate, getting out some of the pent-up thoughts and emotions, and listening as she did the same. Afterwards we did some strength work, and I definitely felt the morning OCR class coming back.
Wednesday evening when I got home, I had a phone call from the wife of one of my DRT members. Our teammate had passed and she told me she'd forward the arrangements to me shortly, so that I could pass them along. I immediately began notifying the rest of my team. I felt like I was back in "robot mode" - just doing my job without thinking about it or letting the emotions creep in. One of the teammates I called asked if I had heard about another responder we knew from another out-of-state team. I hadn't, so they filled me in. Yet another suicide. 9/11 had taken another life. I was frustrated and felt the emotions bubbling up, but continued doing my job. Right before making the last call, I had checked a group page on Facebook to see if they'd announced either death yet. I suddenly felt like I had been punched in the gut. There, on their page, was the face of a friend, with a 9/11 death notification attached. All of the emotions from the entire week spilled over. I just sat on my bed, sobbing. I never knew he was sick. Never had a chance to thank him for always being a rock during the recovery - offering hugs and smiles in the midst of tragedy, being a calming voice, constantly reassuring others - he was just one of those really incredible people who make this world a better place - and now he's gone. I couldn't take it. I made my last call and barely made it through the speech before hanging up and continuing to just sit and cry. I haven't grieved this much over a 9/11 loss in a while. I guess over time I just grew cold to the emotions of it and just accepted "yet another loss" and moved on. But this one... this one hurt. A lot.
Thursday morning, I was still hurting and still too emotional to interact with anyone. I went on my run. 3.5 miles later I was happy that I was able to use running as therapy again. I don't know that I could have worked through the emotions as well if I was still sidelined from running. The run felt good. I even finished with negative splits and a really good pace for me for a long(er) run. I'm still not up to the 5 or 7 miles I'll need for my race Saturday, but I think I'll be okay. I did a post-run workout of 30 dead bugs (15 each side), 15 pushups, 30 second plank, 20 bicep curls, 20 lateral raises, 20 triceps kickbacks, 20 squats, and 20 calf raises.
The swim meet was torture. I can't even talk about it yet. Too much noise. Too much chaos. We left about halfway through the meet and still weren't home until 10 PM.
Friday morning I headed to the gym for run class and teaching swim lessons. Run class ended up being 2 of us. I did the warmup lap and got ready for the 200s. I ran the first 200m in 58 seconds. Well, it was supposed to be easy. Easy was accomplished. I started the second one. It was supposed to be medium. I hit 52 seconds. Okay, fine. I went to do the third one. Something just clicked. I ran. Form felt good. I felt a couple of hesitation steps, but overall felt like it was good. My lungs were good. I finished. Checked watch. 44 seconds. What in the world?! Where did that come from? I turned and looked back towards my coach who looked as shocked and excited as I felt. He shouted "Have you arrived?!" He had clocked it at 42 seconds. We discussed my form - he had seen those hesitation steps too - but saw them as my right leg turning out a bit. We talked about it and then he said it was the best he had ever seen me run and he had absolutely no complaints about that run. I can't remember being that happy about a run for a while, but it also triggered a memory of Coach Pat at the City Meet back in the late 90s. I had been okay throughout the season on IM, but never great. At the City Meet, things just clicked and I finished with a second place. When I climbed out of the pool, his hands were in the same exact gesture as Sean had just done - and Pat said, "Where the heck did that come from? Where was that all season?!" It has always been a great memory, and when it came rushing back, I had to smile. I really have been blessed with some great coaches in my life. One of the biggest things I realized was that if I could bottle up exactly what I wanted in a coach, this morning's run class with Sean was that exact kind of coaching. Things aren't always perfect, but they are really, really great. The biggest realization of all was that if I had totally flubbed that last 200m and not hit that 42/44 second run, he would still have been right there smiling and coaching and helping me fix it for next time, and it would not have been a failure on my part or a disappointment to him. It's really hard for me sometimes to remember that we really are in this together every day, not just on the good days. Again, very thankful for his patience and consistency.
I headed to swim lessons, got through my work day, and then met with the other trainer/life coach for a walk and talk. Let me just say he asked some really hard questions. Things I did not want to answer. But he did so in a way that felt safe and where I knew he was just trying to help me get to the bottom of some things and deal with them so I could keep moving forward. There are a lot of things that keep piling up in my life and threatening to suffocate me. There is also a lot of fear. Having someone who gets that and who has been there and experienced similar things, and who can say, "Hey - try this" is a huge help. There was no judgement. No shame. No guilt. Just - I hear you, I get it, and I think this is something that might help. Hopefully this will help me get my mind back into the training and races a little better and get me back on track. It's been a rough couple of weeks of second-guessing, fear and hesitation. I'm ready for that to be behind me for sure.
So here we are at Saturday morning. I have two races this evening back to back. Yesterday my coach dropped the bombshell that he would not be there. I am actually okay with that, now that we've talked and I have a plan in place for the evening. I am going to run the 3K as a race - against myself and my own best times. I am then going to run the 8K as a fun run, without wearing my watch and without worrying about time. I just need to get the mileage in. This evening is counting as my long run for the week, and is really just a stepping stone to get me ready for next month. I have a 5K and 2 10Ks in August, and that training steps up this week. This race is basically my kickoff for August racing. All my coach wants is me to show up and run. The other trainer and my coach both want me to have fun and enjoy it. Although I have a goal for the 3K and it will be a little more performance-based, overall, tonight is to be more about me having a good run and far less about performance. Numbers are not important tonight, no matter how my brain is wired to think differently about that. The only thing I'm not looking forward to about tonight is the 2 hour drive each way to get there. Thankfully I have a teammate riding with me to help make the time pass quicker.
Have I arrived? Maybe. Or, maybe it was just a random day where things just clicked. Or, maybe I'm just getting a taste of what's yet to come. Regardless, I'm just happy to have some amazing people with me on the journey, no matter where we are along the way.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Not the Answers we were Hoping For
I don't even know where to start this blog entry. My mind is going a thousand different directions and I'm still not sure how to put into words what I'm thinking or feeling.
To her credit, she started the conversation asking about my leg and the race Wednesday evening. I knew that was not why she was calling, but I did appreciate her showing she cared about what she knew was important to me.
My doctor called as soon as her office opened on Friday morning. I knew when the phone rang it was going to be her. I knew she was going to tell me my labs were wonky. I was not wrong, though I really wished I was.
To her credit, she started the conversation asking about my leg and the race Wednesday evening. I knew that was not why she was calling, but I did appreciate her showing she cared about what she knew was important to me.
Yes. My labs were all over the place again. A couple of things are easy fixes. Where some levels were really low before and we added vitamins/supplements - some of those were off the charts sky-high now and supplements need to be stopped immediately. Okay. Great. One of them is my B12. Apparently it's so high that it is likely the cause of the intense nerve pain - as it will bind to the nerves and cause a lot of issues. It should take less than a week for it to regulate, and hopefully ease some of the intense pain soon. That's a relief. I can keep running, even though the next few days may still be a bit painful.
She took a deep breath and my heart jumped. I know I ended up holding my breath. She said the other bigger concern is that my serum ferritin is high. Where we thought I was anemic and my iron was low - I'm actually not. My iron level was fine. The problem is it's being mismanaged by my body, and stored and dispersed improperly. If this causes the iron to go into the brain, it can cause some symptoms like irritability, mood swings, headaches/migraines, unexplained fatigue, leg pain, unexplained weakness, and ringing in the ears.... everything I was experiencing just before, during, and after Tahoe. When I asked her what would cause this spike in the ferritin level, she hesitated before answering.
I knew instantly what was coming. I'd been expecting this for weeks, though I'd never said anything to anyone about it. When my brother, my mom, my husband's sister, and my friend were all diagnosed with blood cancers... the symptoms were very similar. It's always in the back of my mind when I experience the leg pain and the fatigue beyond comprehension.
When she finally spoke, she told me she did not want to jump to any conclusions or give me any type of diagnosis. She mentioned hemochromitosis, a hereditary condition that can cause ferritin levels to spike, and then she mentioned that it could also be nothing, just another random immune response to the neurotoxin causing crazy things to happen in my body. However, to get a better idea about what was going on and what was causing it, she wanted to send me to a blood specialist who would be able to diagnose it better. With my history of family members with blood cancers, my own medical history including the exposures at Ground Zero, my symptoms, and my labs, she thought it was a good idea to go be seen by the specialist right away. What reminded me of how great a person she is, and not just a great doctor, is that she said, "Kristi, I'm so sorry. I know you've had a rough year with doctor appointments and tests, and I know you wanted and needed a break, and I'd be totally okay with you putting this off and waiting a few months, but if it were me, I'd go ahead and talk to the specialist now, and even if it's just a conversation to get more information for now, I wouldn't put it off." I quickly and calmly agreed to go immediately, and she said they'd get it scheduled and I'd get a call from the specialist's office. I was so calm through the whole conversation and even asked a few questions, that she got worried about me. I'm sure she was expecting a meltdown. But it never came. She made sure I was good to go and then we hung up.
I was running late for my run class because of the call, so I quickly threw together my swim lessons work bag, my workout bag, and my change of clothes for afterwards. I grabbed my water and headed out the door. On the drive to the gym, I went over the conversation again, and knew I had to tell my coach. I didn't want to tell anyone else, but I knew he needed to know. I also needed him to know - because no one else on the planet could help me keep it together after that was thrown at me. I was SO glad it was a Friday and run class day. I was so glad that the first person I'd be interacting with after that phone call was my coach. I was not looking forward to interacting with my teammates, though, which is really unusual. I just didn't want to talk about it and didn't want them to know yet.
I went through the normal motions of arrival at the gym - threw stuff in my locker, got what I needed to run, headed upstairs... but my mind was far from there. I didn't want anyone to know anything was going on, so I quickly put the "I'm fine" mask in place and walked across the fitness floor to the trainer workstation. Of course there were several people standing there. It couldn't have been a quiet morning with just 1 or 2 staff members hanging around. I said hi to everyone and I could tell that my coach immediately zeroed in on "something's off," despite my best attempts to avoid eye contact. Sometimes he knows me TOO well. I quietly explained I'd just gotten off the phone with my doctor and I literally felt his heart skip a beat at the words. To his credit, he didn't call any attention to our hushed conversation. I told him we at least had confirmation that it's all been nerve stuff and explained the B12 thing. I let him know the other parts as I kept a smile on my face so no one else realized anything was up. By all outward appearances to everyone but my coach, everything was just fine. But, inside, there was an F-5 tornado ripping my heart apart.
The funniest thing after that was that I was the only one who came to run class. So it was just my coach and me. He wasn't prepared to run, he didn't really want me running unless it was an easy couple of loops, and we went back and forth about what to do. Finally I said, "how about just a walk and talk?" He jumped at that and we went out to the track. The timing of this was indescribably perfect. Of all days to end up with just me at the class and time to talk... it was just perfect and exactly what I needed. We were able to discuss the doctor's call in more detail and discuss impact on running and work. We were able to talk about the race Wednesday, and other run stuff, along with just life stuff. It was a much-needed breath of air for me. I was still amazingly calm at this point. I went from the walk to my swim lessons, calm as could be, and made it back to the car without any trouble.
As soon as I sat in my car, my phone rang. I answered and heard, "This is the Tennessee Cancer Specialists" telling me my doctor had asked to set up an appoitment for me as soon as possible. They had me scheduled for July 16th and would be sending me a new patient packet and more information. They asked me if I had any questions. I couldn't think. My mind was still stuck on the first 6 words they'd said. I was trapped in that 10 seconds of the conversation and could not find my way out. I don't remember what I answered (or how), and don't remember hanging up. I do remember messaging my coach to tell him these thoughts. Somehow I drove home and made it in one piece.
When I got home, I was determined not to say anything to anyone until after the 16th when we knew more and had a better idead of what was going on. After all, my coach knew, and for now, that was all I needed. I know for sure I can't tell Don - it would send him over the edge with his PTSD and depression. And there's certainly no way I'm telling my kids. They've been through enough already and there's no sense upsetting them now, when it could turn out to be nothing at all. The other reason not to tell Don - is he would immediately say something in front of the kids. I couldn't handle telling any friends because 1 - I didn't want anyone to get upset, worried, or stressed, and 2 - I could not handle any of the social norm sympathy responses of "I'm so sorry - what can I do?" It's just not something I deal with very well, and I was definitely NOT in the mood. But, over the past couple of days I've talked to a very small handful of people about it - the friend who has gone through it before, the teammate who went through something similar, another teammate who has been an absolute rock and by my side through both of our medical ups and downs in the past couple of years, my academy principal so he didn't get blindsided later if this turns into the worst case scenario, two co-teachers who I knew would not respond emotionally but are my go-to people at work, and a hometown high school friend who always knows just what to say and when to say it. I've put certain people into certain places in the support network intentionally, based on what I know I need and how each fits into that system. Some can provide answers because they have been there, some have to know for logistical purposes, and some are just the personality I need to face it matter-of-factly, without emotion or sympathy, and who can get me through the appointment on the 16th without falling apart. Please don't be offended if you weren't one of those people. You may be one who gets the first call or message after the appointment on the 16th or in the future with something else. Please understand I still can't talk about it and really don't want to. I'm begging all of you to avoid commenting on this until after the 16th. I just wanted to fill you in and update you all since I had posted about having the lab work done and not provided a follow-up. I cannot handle texts, messages, calls, or comments right now about it. It is what it is and we'll find out soon enough if it's more. Until then, just know it's there and going on, and be patient with me if I appear to be distant or aloof. It's not you. I just need some space. From everyone.
For now, I'm continuing to run and working out like crazy to stay distracted. I managed to go 4.3 this morning. Only the last 0.3 of it actually stunk. The rest felt good. I could feel the areas where the nerve pain had been, but it was more of a leg tightness and dull ache than anything else. I was able to hold a decent pace for the whole run, even with some hills. When I started getting tired and feeling pain after 4 miles, I decided to call it and walk the rest of the way home. The walk hurt worse than the run, but once I got home and ate/drank something, I felt better.
Tomorrow we are taking a family day and going to Dollywood. When we get home I have a volleyball game. Tuesday I'll have run class and swim lessons to keep me busy. Wednesday we're going back to Splash Country, plus I'm doing OCR that morning and have run group that evening. Thursday we have a swim meet. Friday I have a non-run-class run class (day before race means no intense workout), followed by swim lessons. Saturday we have a race in Kingsport that several teammates are going to. I'll have a busy week ahead to keep me distracted. It helps. I'm not sure if I will be updating again this week with all of the craziness of activity, but I will be back to share at the latest after the race on Saturday.
Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement. It's been awesome. Again, please refrain from commenting on this post or sending messages regarding it. At least for now. Please. Thanks for understanding.
Thursday, July 4, 2019
To Run or Not to Run... Always Choose RUN
We headed downtown to the race staging area and I had no clue what the plan was. I knew I still hurt, but also knew I wanted to run.
When we arrived we hung out with others for a bit and then went on a warmup run. Warmups hurt. Badly. I was leaning very heavily towards not running. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how whenever I get into the groove of a good pace, the pain stops.
I attempted to stretch. Still hurt.
Talked to coach. Decided to wait until closer to race start to decide.
Warmed up again. Still hurt.
Got extremely frustrated.
Saw the firetruck raise the flag up over the start/finish area... and took a sharp breath in. Complete and total flashback to NYC. I asked Daniel if he remembered - he did. We'd run lots of post-9/11 races and gone to too many funerals to count where the trucks put the flag up like that. I immediately thought of my disaster team and the fact that we'd be seeing another flag raised by a ladder truck soon. I had to force the thoughts from my mind and focus on the race. Was I running or not?!
Coach put it out there that he would choose not to run at that point. Why push through pain for a race that really isn't on my priority list?
But a part of me knew no matter what, I was going to run, even if I only made it 1/4 of a mile.
It was literally an absolutely last-minute decision. We were standing at the starting line still discussing it. I moved over to the side, out of the way of the fast runners, but still didn't know. The girl sang the anthem. I looked at Daniel and said, "Am I doing this or not?" He said to try, but just walk it when it started to hurt. I replied with how much I hate walking in a race, and that's when I knew I was going to run. But how far? As they blew the horn I thought, well, I guess we'll find out. My plan quickly became: try to get in to the groove where it doesn't hurt and see how far you can continue without pain. I honestly thought I'd be bailing before a mile.
Daniel decided to run with me but then quickly said "You're going to beat me this time Mom." He was struggling with the heat and the late start. I could tell it was not going to be a good race for him. We made it about 1/2 a mile before he said he wanted to walk. I explained that if I stopped running then, I'd probably not be able to start again and wouldn't be able to finish. He told me to go on, so I did.
I stayed in a total groove from very early on until about 2 miles. Around 2.85 I felt nerve pain in my feet, and some heavy tingling, but I could also feel the heat through the asphalt and knew part of it was just that. Mile 3 was definitely a bit off and slower than 1-2. The pain didn't last long, but the humidity was making it hard to breathe. I was able to settle my lungs quickly and when I hit mile 3 I heard my coach, and knew I was at the finish. I laser-focused on the finish line and just kicked it, and was able to finish strong.
To go from the whole doctor fiasco Monday to barely going a mile or two Tuesday at run class, to actually going ahead and doing the 5K race - I am glad I ran it, and I am completely happy with the results. If I can do that on a miserably humid night when I'm fighting pain - I’ll take it!
I still don’t understand the nerve stuff and never know what to expect, but I do know now that it’s not going to keep me from at least starting a race. I’m just going to keep rolling with it the best I can.
One of the best parts of last night was having almost our entire team there. We never got a group photo, which would have been great, but we were all over the place. During the run though, I watched a teammate stop to help another teammate who was bent over in pain, and then heard all kinds of encouragement being shouted back and forth as we passed each other. More cheers at the finish line. It is so nice to have a team to do races with - even if we are all at different speeds.
At the finish, the lightning was getting bad, so we all scattered. I’ve never seen a race get torn down so fast in my life. It was a rather abrupt ending to the evening of racing, and left me feeling a little on edge and a bit frustrated. I felt bad that one of our runners had placed 1st in his age group, but no one was there for the awards. I'm also SO used to processing races before and after (I was completely spoiled by previous coaches in this area) that I felt like I was left hanging and unable to process through that it had been 60% mental/fear and not so much the nerve pain stopping me. Thankfully a teammate and I continued texting really late and I got some of the words out so that I could let go and move on to the next race. It's funny that I used to think I hated that part - talking before and after a race about plan and what went right/wrong, what could be changed/improved, what we don't want to do again - but now that I don't have that, I miss it! I've got to figure out a different way of handling that. Last night was a little too emotional for me for a race day - especially one that didn't matter in the bigger picture - and I don't like feeling that way.
Speaking of next races -
Up next is the Crazy 8s in Kingsport, TN on July 13th. Another evening race. Daniel has already made it very clear that he is NOT in on that. I'm a little worried about the traveling back afterwards with my night vision/migraine triggers. But, I'm looking forward to doing two races on the same evening again for the first time in a while. The first run is a 2-miler, followed by a 5-miler. So, pushing a little beyond my 10K distance love, but not going as crazy as a half marathon. It should be fun.
I'm also going back to another long lost love - a trail run. I'll be doing the Panther Creek 4.2 on July 27th. I found a few other Back of the Pack Elite runners who are doing it and introduced myself last night. I'm looking forward to running off-road again -- though I really hope my nerves comply.
August is chocked full of races - starting with the Scholars Run 5K in Maryville on August 3rd, then the Butterfly Dask 10K on August 10th, and the Rebel Run 10K in Maryville on August 24th. I'm really hoping for a PR in Maryville at the Rebel Run. Hopefully the weather and my body both cooperate for that day.
September is a slower month - with a Moonlight Mile in Maryville on September 20th, and a Marine Mud Run on September 28th.
In October, I return to my hometown of Salem, VA for the Blue Ridge 8K. I'm really looking forward to that one. I'm also an ambassador for that race - so if anyone wants to join me, you can save some money on registration by using code AmbassadorKristi20 to save 20%.
November will likely be the Oak Ridge Fall Classic 5K and possibly the Secret City 5K.
December starts with a bang - the Run Loco 5K on Saturday, December 7th and then the Dirty South Trail 10K on Sunday, December 8th.
December starts with a bang - the Run Loco 5K on Saturday, December 7th and then the Dirty South Trail 10K on Sunday, December 8th.
It's going to be a busy few months of races, but maybe the busy schedule will help keep me on track with running and working out when school starts back up. I'm going to have to figure out a system of scheduling that works to fit it all in and still have time to spend with my kiddos, but I'm up for the challenge.
And, finally, this morning, I had one more surprise. Today I hit another milestone in the weight loss area. I am now down 20 pounds from my starting weight in December when I was cleared to run/workout again. I'm excited about it, even though it seems to be taking forever. I really hope another 6 months of running and working out helps the scale move even more in the right direction. It's still not a focus, and I'd be much happier if I could actually SEE the progress in my outward appearances, but it's something to celebrate and use to keep motivating myself to keep pushing forward.
Race Links:
Crazy 8s - http://werunevents.com/crazy-8s/
Panther Creek 4.2 - https://dirtybirdevents.com/xterra-panther-creek-trail-run/
Scholars Run 5K - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Maryville/ScholarsRun
Butterfly Dash 10K/5K - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Knoxville/5K10KBurgerBash
Rebel Run 10K/5K - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Maryville/MCSFRebelRun5K
Moonlight Mile - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Maryville/MoonlightMile
Marine Mud Run - https://runsignup.com/Race/Events/TN/Knoxville/MarineMudRun
Blue Ridge 8K and Salem Half-Marathon - http://www.salemhalfmarathon.com/
Oak Ridge Fall Classic 5K - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/OakRidge/OakRidgeFallClassic5k
Secret City Half and 5K - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/OakRidge/secretcityhalfmarathon
Run Loco 5K, Half and Marathon - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Loudon/RunLOCOMarathonHalfMarathonand5K
Dirty South Trail 10K and Half - https://runsignup.com/Race/TN/Knoxville/DirtySouthTrailHalfMarathonandDirtyDoubleTrailMarathon
Tuesday, July 2, 2019
Measuring Moments
I probably did not approach the topic in the best way this morning with my coach. I basically said I completely disagreed with it being a rest day or at the most swim day, and that I was going to run, but would explain my reasoning to him first. Thankfully, his reaction was to laugh. And, he was in agreement before I finished the first sentence of the entire speech I planned to argue my case. So, I got to participate in the run class this morning - within some well-defined parameters.
The surprising thing was, I actually did pretty well with the running attempts I made. I did not do the 2 lap warmup. I wasn't planning to go far today. I just wanted to see if I could do 200-400m without pain. I did a really short 200m warmup very slow and easy. Then I did a 200m run with an acceleration to almost race pace and then deceleration to the end. It was okay. It didn't hurt. So I asked if on the 2nd one I could run back and make it a 400m - with the first 200m being an acceleration and the 2nd 200m just being an easy jog back. It was almost scary how fast coach agreed to it. I ran it completely fine. I was good. No pain - as long as I focused on my form. I went to do the 3rd 200 - and I felt my form get "off" a little and I could tell it wasn't great. Coach picked up on a few changes in form and pointed them out. We were on the same page. The group then was to do 1-2 laps easy as the end of the workout. I made it about 75m and said "nope." It hurt. Walked back. Tried again going the other way - in the grass at coach's suggestion. For some reason the grass made me more timid and wasn't helping. 100m later I moved to the asphalt. I felt myself getting afraid and then stopped again. I walked a little further, thinking to myself, "this is all a mental block. That's not good." I also realized that when I tried to run slower - in like a shuffle gait, it hurt more. So I decided to run back as much as I could in good form at the pace I was doing earlier on the 200m and 400m. It felt better and didn't hurt - but I couldn't hold that pace. After some discussion, I called it a day on the track and went in to hit the pool.
I probably did too much in the pool today - and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me tomorrow evening. But - it felt good. It was a great aerobic workout, with some stretching and building lung capacity.
I taught 4 swim lessons back to back, then did a few more laps in the pool (I can't help it).
Went home - and found my new running shoes had arrived. I of course HAD to go try them out - but was afraid of the reaction it would cause if I just went. Plus, I was tired. It had been a long morning. I ate lunch, asked permission to test out the shoes, rested, ran some errands, and still haven't gone out on a test run. It's just been a long day. Maybe in the morning.
I feel much better about tomorrow's race, just knowing that I was able to do some stuff today. Even if I can't run the whole race tomorrow, I'm happy with where I'm at and where I'm heading. I know my body (especially my nerves) may need some more downtime, especially before the tough race schedule hits in August. I know I need to listen more and resist less. And I know more than ever, my coach is clearly by my side in all of this - good and bad. I'm not alone in any of this. I love that I can speak what's on my mind without fear or hesitation. I love that he gets it the majority of the time. I love that he already knows what I'm going to say or what I'm going to do before I do it most of the time. It's a relief to not be afraid to try and fail, or to take a step back, or to say I'm afraid. We actually talked today about the different coaching styles. I'm so thankful I found him and that we're in this together. I don't know how things are going to end up tomorrow evening at the race, but I do know I have an amazing coach and awesome team behind me, no matter what happens. That's such a comforting thing to know with certainty.
The surprising thing was, I actually did pretty well with the running attempts I made. I did not do the 2 lap warmup. I wasn't planning to go far today. I just wanted to see if I could do 200-400m without pain. I did a really short 200m warmup very slow and easy. Then I did a 200m run with an acceleration to almost race pace and then deceleration to the end. It was okay. It didn't hurt. So I asked if on the 2nd one I could run back and make it a 400m - with the first 200m being an acceleration and the 2nd 200m just being an easy jog back. It was almost scary how fast coach agreed to it. I ran it completely fine. I was good. No pain - as long as I focused on my form. I went to do the 3rd 200 - and I felt my form get "off" a little and I could tell it wasn't great. Coach picked up on a few changes in form and pointed them out. We were on the same page. The group then was to do 1-2 laps easy as the end of the workout. I made it about 75m and said "nope." It hurt. Walked back. Tried again going the other way - in the grass at coach's suggestion. For some reason the grass made me more timid and wasn't helping. 100m later I moved to the asphalt. I felt myself getting afraid and then stopped again. I walked a little further, thinking to myself, "this is all a mental block. That's not good." I also realized that when I tried to run slower - in like a shuffle gait, it hurt more. So I decided to run back as much as I could in good form at the pace I was doing earlier on the 200m and 400m. It felt better and didn't hurt - but I couldn't hold that pace. After some discussion, I called it a day on the track and went in to hit the pool.
I probably did too much in the pool today - and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me tomorrow evening. But - it felt good. It was a great aerobic workout, with some stretching and building lung capacity.
I taught 4 swim lessons back to back, then did a few more laps in the pool (I can't help it).
Went home - and found my new running shoes had arrived. I of course HAD to go try them out - but was afraid of the reaction it would cause if I just went. Plus, I was tired. It had been a long morning. I ate lunch, asked permission to test out the shoes, rested, ran some errands, and still haven't gone out on a test run. It's just been a long day. Maybe in the morning.
I feel much better about tomorrow's race, just knowing that I was able to do some stuff today. Even if I can't run the whole race tomorrow, I'm happy with where I'm at and where I'm heading. I know my body (especially my nerves) may need some more downtime, especially before the tough race schedule hits in August. I know I need to listen more and resist less. And I know more than ever, my coach is clearly by my side in all of this - good and bad. I'm not alone in any of this. I love that I can speak what's on my mind without fear or hesitation. I love that he gets it the majority of the time. I love that he already knows what I'm going to say or what I'm going to do before I do it most of the time. It's a relief to not be afraid to try and fail, or to take a step back, or to say I'm afraid. We actually talked today about the different coaching styles. I'm so thankful I found him and that we're in this together. I don't know how things are going to end up tomorrow evening at the race, but I do know I have an amazing coach and awesome team behind me, no matter what happens. That's such a comforting thing to know with certainty.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Doctor Chaos
I am very thankful for doctors who don't hesitate to say "just come in now" or work me in as soon as possible on the same day I call, with no hesitation or questions asked. But, today, when I was told to come in right away for lab work and x-rays, I just wasn't a happy camper. So much for the reprieve.
I got ushered right in as soon as I got to my primary, despite a couple of others in the waiting room. She took a few minutes to run through everything again face-to-face, to make sure we were on the same page and she had all of the info she needed. For the leg pain, her initial thought was shin splints that just weren't responding to the normal recovery methods I use. We talked about the impact of running in the past 6 months and how it's done more good than bad, so we'd just have to find a new way to deal with the pain if it was just shin splints again, but she was confident I'd be fine to run my race Wednesday evening.
Off I went with the nurse for the x-rays, then back to wait a few minutes longer. As soon as she walked in, my doctor had this look of "I'm so sorry on her face" and said, "Well, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is your tibia and fibula are solid. Nothing there. The bad news is, you do have two tiny stress fractures. But, they are tiny, and they look like they are already healing." I took a deep breath. She sat down. She said, "No race Wednesday evening." I took another deep breath. She looked like she was just waiting on the meltdown. It never came. I handled it fine. I asked how long. She said we'd estimate about three weeks. Normally it'd be 6-8, but since they were so small and already looked like they were healing, she thought I'd be good to go in three. Another deep breath.
Then she said, "Do you have a boot?" I immediately perked up because I saw where she was going with this. Somethings, only runners understand. I didn't have a boot. She asked me if I thought I could get in to the ortho surgeon today, have him look at the x-rays to confirm, and, if she was right, get in the boot. She said, "Then you can go to the race." Note, she did not say I could run the race, but she also said she knew me and knew I'd go anyway, so as long as I went, I should wear the boot. But she also said she could not condone nor encourage me to run in the boot for the race, but, again, she knew me. She also said, I hope he tells you I'm crazy and he doesn't see anything. But, let me know either way.
Before I went, we discussed the other issue. I knew before Tahoe my eating was off. Then, when we got to Tahoe and I stayed nauseous for days, I knew something was up. When I felt sick during the run, I knew something was up. After the run, still knew it. When I got home and spent a week doing nothing more than sleeping, working, surviving runs, and sleeping more, I was certain I knew what was going on. But I kept saying I'd be fine and ignoring it. One of the biggest things I picked up on was that I was likely anemic again. It's something I've dealt with off and on for decades. I recognize it almost immediately. Most of the time I just adjust the diet and it goes away on its own and I'm fine. Well, I knew a week after Tahoe that it had not gone away and was worse. I filled the doctor in on all of this. She enlightened me that between the lack of eating and the anemia, it was highly probable that I ended up with altitude sickness, even though I've never had an issue with it before, in any of my numerous trips above 7000 feet. She explained that if I was already anemic when I went, it would make me even more susceptible to the altitude sickness, which in turn, could also be affecting my legs with the lack of oxygen-rich blood circulating. We talked diet/intake (again) and how important and essential rest was. Then she sent me in for the lab work.
After they took way too many vials of blood, she sent me on my way to the ortho. I called at 10:15. They said to be there by 11:10. That's how fast and awesome they were.
Arrived at ortho with copies of x-rays in my hands. Explained everything to the nurse. She went to get the ortho. He comes in with a new PA. He says hello, turns to the PA and says, "Kristi here has a whole lot of unusual stuff going on and is not your typical patient." I didn't know whether to be flattered or feel like a freak show act. But, the doctor is awesome. He really is. So, he explained why things were anything but textbook with me, and the PA look mesmerized. I told the ortho my doc had said he could call her crazy. He said, "Well, if I tell you she's crazy and I don't see anything to stop you, are you going to be able to go run?" I stared at him for a minute, felt hope rising, and said, "well, it hurts." So we talked. He showed me the x-rays. He said, "it's still the same nerve stuff - there is nothing here that shows me that you need to stop doing what you are doing. I want you to continue running. Plus, you eliminated the possibility of the compartmental syndrome we discussed. If you ran a half-marathon with no nerve pain, you're doing something right. Keep going." I asked if I could have it in writing. I knew my coach was going to think, "there's no way" after all of the back-and-forth texting all morning going from "shin splints not responding to the norm" to "oh no - not one but two stress fractures" to "you are clear to keep running." It just was completely insane.
So, after all of that, I was told I could continue running with the only limitation being my pain. So let's discuss that for a moment. I tried to run this morning. I walked half a block to warm up. Then took two strides running - and immediately stopped. The pain was like a 25 on a scale of 1-10. For me, that's pretty significant. I can normally run through most of the nerve pain I experience. Not lately. It's been super high impact. When the doctor said I could run through the pain as long as I could tolerate it, I hesitated, though I wasn't about to let anyone know it. My initial thought was, "but it hurts so much worse now than before" and "am I really getting that soft that I can't just run through it anymore?" I wrestled most of the afternoon with it. The ortho did also point out that there really was no point whatsoever in me trying to push through the pain to do a 5K that wasn't on my priority list just to say I did it, and said to think about it before I attempted it Wednesday night. He also admonished me to follow my coach's instructions - even when I felt like he was holding me back and I wanted to do more. It's that slow progressive overload (yes - I used the words) that is working and that I need. When I try to go beyond that and do too much too soon - my nerves overreact. When we gradually train them to take on a higher impact in speed or distance or duration - it works. What stinks about that is that it means progression moves forward way too slow in my mind. I want to do it and do it now - not work towards it for months. But - I get it and I am (for the most part) complying with it.
My girls asked to go walk this evening. There was no way I was saying no. They've been in NYC for almost three weeks and it's their first evening home. We grabbed their scooters and set off towards their favorite path. As I was walking it dawned on me that I really needed to get a grasp of where I was in terms of pain level and ability - before I get to Wednesday's race. I know me - if I just show up cold turkey and run, I'm going to ignore all of the pain and regret it later, or end up injured again. I need to know how far I can push it and when/where I need to limit myself. The best way for me to do that is tomorrow during the group run class - but I can already hear my coach's reaction to that now. Especially since he already told us he didn't want to see any of us there doing a hard workout with the race the next evening. I may need to think about how to approach this one.
The funny thing about today is how stinking calm I was through the whole ordeal. I don't know how, but getting the news I was out for 3 weeks, and then an hour later being cleared to run that day did nothing to me emotionally. I just accepted it all as it came. Totally out of the norm. In fact, my doctor was asking if I was okay - because I was so calm. Maybe I've learned to just deal with things as they come? Or maybe I already knew the worst was inevitable and expected things to be far worse than what they were saying? Who knows. But, I'm just really glad this day is over and I'm allowed to run. At least by the doctor. I'm really hoping it doesn't make my coach over cautious and hesitant to let me loose again.
I got ushered right in as soon as I got to my primary, despite a couple of others in the waiting room. She took a few minutes to run through everything again face-to-face, to make sure we were on the same page and she had all of the info she needed. For the leg pain, her initial thought was shin splints that just weren't responding to the normal recovery methods I use. We talked about the impact of running in the past 6 months and how it's done more good than bad, so we'd just have to find a new way to deal with the pain if it was just shin splints again, but she was confident I'd be fine to run my race Wednesday evening.
Off I went with the nurse for the x-rays, then back to wait a few minutes longer. As soon as she walked in, my doctor had this look of "I'm so sorry on her face" and said, "Well, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is your tibia and fibula are solid. Nothing there. The bad news is, you do have two tiny stress fractures. But, they are tiny, and they look like they are already healing." I took a deep breath. She sat down. She said, "No race Wednesday evening." I took another deep breath. She looked like she was just waiting on the meltdown. It never came. I handled it fine. I asked how long. She said we'd estimate about three weeks. Normally it'd be 6-8, but since they were so small and already looked like they were healing, she thought I'd be good to go in three. Another deep breath.
Then she said, "Do you have a boot?" I immediately perked up because I saw where she was going with this. Somethings, only runners understand. I didn't have a boot. She asked me if I thought I could get in to the ortho surgeon today, have him look at the x-rays to confirm, and, if she was right, get in the boot. She said, "Then you can go to the race." Note, she did not say I could run the race, but she also said she knew me and knew I'd go anyway, so as long as I went, I should wear the boot. But she also said she could not condone nor encourage me to run in the boot for the race, but, again, she knew me. She also said, I hope he tells you I'm crazy and he doesn't see anything. But, let me know either way.
Before I went, we discussed the other issue. I knew before Tahoe my eating was off. Then, when we got to Tahoe and I stayed nauseous for days, I knew something was up. When I felt sick during the run, I knew something was up. After the run, still knew it. When I got home and spent a week doing nothing more than sleeping, working, surviving runs, and sleeping more, I was certain I knew what was going on. But I kept saying I'd be fine and ignoring it. One of the biggest things I picked up on was that I was likely anemic again. It's something I've dealt with off and on for decades. I recognize it almost immediately. Most of the time I just adjust the diet and it goes away on its own and I'm fine. Well, I knew a week after Tahoe that it had not gone away and was worse. I filled the doctor in on all of this. She enlightened me that between the lack of eating and the anemia, it was highly probable that I ended up with altitude sickness, even though I've never had an issue with it before, in any of my numerous trips above 7000 feet. She explained that if I was already anemic when I went, it would make me even more susceptible to the altitude sickness, which in turn, could also be affecting my legs with the lack of oxygen-rich blood circulating. We talked diet/intake (again) and how important and essential rest was. Then she sent me in for the lab work.
After they took way too many vials of blood, she sent me on my way to the ortho. I called at 10:15. They said to be there by 11:10. That's how fast and awesome they were.
Arrived at ortho with copies of x-rays in my hands. Explained everything to the nurse. She went to get the ortho. He comes in with a new PA. He says hello, turns to the PA and says, "Kristi here has a whole lot of unusual stuff going on and is not your typical patient." I didn't know whether to be flattered or feel like a freak show act. But, the doctor is awesome. He really is. So, he explained why things were anything but textbook with me, and the PA look mesmerized. I told the ortho my doc had said he could call her crazy. He said, "Well, if I tell you she's crazy and I don't see anything to stop you, are you going to be able to go run?" I stared at him for a minute, felt hope rising, and said, "well, it hurts." So we talked. He showed me the x-rays. He said, "it's still the same nerve stuff - there is nothing here that shows me that you need to stop doing what you are doing. I want you to continue running. Plus, you eliminated the possibility of the compartmental syndrome we discussed. If you ran a half-marathon with no nerve pain, you're doing something right. Keep going." I asked if I could have it in writing. I knew my coach was going to think, "there's no way" after all of the back-and-forth texting all morning going from "shin splints not responding to the norm" to "oh no - not one but two stress fractures" to "you are clear to keep running." It just was completely insane.
So, after all of that, I was told I could continue running with the only limitation being my pain. So let's discuss that for a moment. I tried to run this morning. I walked half a block to warm up. Then took two strides running - and immediately stopped. The pain was like a 25 on a scale of 1-10. For me, that's pretty significant. I can normally run through most of the nerve pain I experience. Not lately. It's been super high impact. When the doctor said I could run through the pain as long as I could tolerate it, I hesitated, though I wasn't about to let anyone know it. My initial thought was, "but it hurts so much worse now than before" and "am I really getting that soft that I can't just run through it anymore?" I wrestled most of the afternoon with it. The ortho did also point out that there really was no point whatsoever in me trying to push through the pain to do a 5K that wasn't on my priority list just to say I did it, and said to think about it before I attempted it Wednesday night. He also admonished me to follow my coach's instructions - even when I felt like he was holding me back and I wanted to do more. It's that slow progressive overload (yes - I used the words) that is working and that I need. When I try to go beyond that and do too much too soon - my nerves overreact. When we gradually train them to take on a higher impact in speed or distance or duration - it works. What stinks about that is that it means progression moves forward way too slow in my mind. I want to do it and do it now - not work towards it for months. But - I get it and I am (for the most part) complying with it.
My girls asked to go walk this evening. There was no way I was saying no. They've been in NYC for almost three weeks and it's their first evening home. We grabbed their scooters and set off towards their favorite path. As I was walking it dawned on me that I really needed to get a grasp of where I was in terms of pain level and ability - before I get to Wednesday's race. I know me - if I just show up cold turkey and run, I'm going to ignore all of the pain and regret it later, or end up injured again. I need to know how far I can push it and when/where I need to limit myself. The best way for me to do that is tomorrow during the group run class - but I can already hear my coach's reaction to that now. Especially since he already told us he didn't want to see any of us there doing a hard workout with the race the next evening. I may need to think about how to approach this one.
The funny thing about today is how stinking calm I was through the whole ordeal. I don't know how, but getting the news I was out for 3 weeks, and then an hour later being cleared to run that day did nothing to me emotionally. I just accepted it all as it came. Totally out of the norm. In fact, my doctor was asking if I was okay - because I was so calm. Maybe I've learned to just deal with things as they come? Or maybe I already knew the worst was inevitable and expected things to be far worse than what they were saying? Who knows. But, I'm just really glad this day is over and I'm allowed to run. At least by the doctor. I'm really hoping it doesn't make my coach over cautious and hesitant to let me loose again.
Too Perfect to Last?
Remember how excited I was to be turned loose and not have to go to any doctor appointments or tests for a whole year?
Yeah. Well, we knew that was too good to be true.
Heading in for both complete labs and x-rays this morning. This, after a couple of weeks of dealing with some pain in my leg that we went back and forth on about whether it was shin splints, a stress fracture, or just the nerve stuff doing what it does, and after 2 1/2 weeks of not feeling well, despite my best efforts to ignore it. My frustration level, with both running and my body's lack of cooperation, is at an all-time high. Right when things start going really well and I'm scheduled for a ton of races... I should have known better.
I know I shouldn't complain. I had a solid month of freedom. But, still, I'm left feeling defeated and angry. Normally, I'd go for a run and work those feelings out, but since that's not an option...
Yeah. Well, we knew that was too good to be true.
Heading in for both complete labs and x-rays this morning. This, after a couple of weeks of dealing with some pain in my leg that we went back and forth on about whether it was shin splints, a stress fracture, or just the nerve stuff doing what it does, and after 2 1/2 weeks of not feeling well, despite my best efforts to ignore it. My frustration level, with both running and my body's lack of cooperation, is at an all-time high. Right when things start going really well and I'm scheduled for a ton of races... I should have known better.
I know I shouldn't complain. I had a solid month of freedom. But, still, I'm left feeling defeated and angry. Normally, I'd go for a run and work those feelings out, but since that's not an option...
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