This has been such a difficult week. Physically. Emotionally.
I was on such a high after my trail race Saturday. I feel like it all just came crashing down around me that night and into Sunday. By Monday, I was a mess. I did NOT want to go back to work. I'm really struggling to get into this school year. I just don't feel up to it. At all.
On top of that, I've been feeling incredibly invisible lately. It feels like no matter what I do or how well I think I do something - it's never enough. I'm never good enough, fast enough, strong enough, fit enough, patient enough, and on and on. I've had to work a thousand times harder this week not to slip back into old coping habits that weren't necessarily healthy ones.
Tonight, our coach had to miss our group run, but as we've done in the past, we carried on without him. Three of us ladies showed up and ran together while talking. By the end of the run, I was an emotional wreck. I just couldn't hold the tears in and thought about the chain of events that was leading to the meltdown, trying to pinpoint where the real problem was.
I'm still not sure what's really going on and how much is just work-induced stress on top of being single mom again this week and not sleeping well. But, whatever it is, something's got to give soon. I can't keep going like this for much longer. SO looking forward to the weekend. Not sure the race is going to go well, but I will at least have some down time and hopefully time to rest.
In the middle of all of this chaos, I had 4 different coworkers commenting on how strong I am, how amazing I am, how much weight I've lost, how inspired they are by me... and I just wanted to laugh at them and let them know they are only seeing the high notes. One of the coworkers commented on how invincible I was - and my first thought was, "don't you mean invisible?" I guess it's all a matter of perspective.
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