2722 mile journey

There are 2,722 miles from the top of Mill Mountain in Roanoke, VA to Inspiration Point above Emerald Bay in South Lake Tahoe, CA. It would take 878 hours to walk it (that’s more than 36 days) nonstop, 40 hours to drive it, or 10 hours to fly it. Today, my 2,722 journey begins. 

The first stop on my journey is a 10K race in Roanoke on April 22nd. The Anthem Star 10K climbs from downtown Roanoke, up the back side of Mill Mountain, down the front side, and back into town, ending in Elmwood Park. This run goes up a 1780 foot mountain over the 6.2 miles. It won't be easy. I've been told it's impossible for me. Guess that means I have to try. 

The final stage of the journey will be a half-marathon in South Lake Tahoe on October 15th. The Emerald Bay Half-marathon starts at Inspiration Point, high above Lake Tahoe's Emerald Bay, rolls up and down the mountain to the bike path, down through Tallac and Pope Beach, winds through Tahoe Keys, the meadows and back path of town, into Stateline, NV and ends at Lakeside Beach, just below the casinos. This will be my first half-marathon in 4 1/2 years, my first since surgery, and my most difficult feat. Medically, I've been told not to try it. Emotionally, I'm still not convinced I can. We will have to just watch and see how this journey unfolds. No matter what, I will be standing on Inspiration Point on the morning of October 15th, the finish line of the journey for me, but the starting line for the next chapter in life. 

Lace up your sneakers and let's get this party started!

Want to join me for one of these races?

Visit http://www.blueridgemarathon.com for info on the Anthem Star10K and other Blue Ridge Marathon race options. Use code CareRunners when registering to save some money!

Visit http://www.laketahoemarathon.com for info on the Emerald Bay Half-marathon and other Lake Tahoe Marathon events.

This year, I am running for Wears Valley Ranch in Sevierville, TN. Visit their website at https://wvr.org for more information on this incredible organization.

GoodBYE 2015!!

2015.

Wow. It’s been an adventure, for sure.

I started off the year working camps and school programs for Bricks 4 Kidz. I attended the funeral of one of my favorite uncles, and watched family engage in petty squabbles. I spent two weeks at home with my kids wondering how schools could possibly be closed for snow when there was barely an inch of anything on the ground, not to mention thinking “didn’t we leave this kind of February weather in NY?” Then I scrambled to figure out how to pay the bills after missing two weeks of work with no pay thanks to the dusting of “snow,” only to have my awesome and amazing blessing of a boss come to the rescue. I got a phone call from a woman at the local school I was begging God to let me go work for. She had somehow gotten a hold of my criminal background check from Knox County and asked if I could go take the drug test and then come start subbing. I was blown away that she would go so far out of her way to help me get the job I so desperately wanted. I began subbing there and absolutely fell in love with the school and the students.

Marching on, I watched my beautiful little girls celebrate their 3^rd and 5^th birthdays, and we celebrated my 38^th. I wondered how time could possibly fly by us so quickly and ached to make time stop – just for a few minutes - so I could enjoy my not-so-baby-anymore-babies. Then, to add to the wistfulness, we celebrated my boys 10^th birthday. Double digits already?! I traveled to Salem, VA to participate in the first race I would ever run in my hometown. I struggled with comments made about runner sizes and appearances for weeks after this event, but at the same time, I felt a surge of victory over conquering the first 3.1 mile climb up the 1700+ foot mountain and running my fastest mile in a race on the way back down. I went to lunch after the race with my two best friends and the parents of my former camper Morgan Harrington. We discussed the newest happenings in the trial of Morgan’s murderer, and talked about normal, everyday things – just to be able to spend some time together. While I was in town I went to visit my godparents, who had been having some medical difficulties and were, against all of my protests, aging faster each year. Some days I wish I could flash back to my childhood and really take a moment to appreciate the time and energy so many people from outside of my family invested in me over the years. My godparents (who as I was growing up were my next door neighbors), the ladies who lived across the street, the grandma two doors down, the Sunday School teacher and GA leader, the camp director and other camp leaders, and so many more – who endlessly poured their love on me and guided me as best they could. It really did take a village to raise this child, and as the years go on I am more and more grateful for those adults who were there for me.

In April I learned that one of our friends in Southern California had died unexpectedly. He was a young guy, but had many health issues and difficulties. My heart broke at the loss, but found comfort in the knowledge that our goodbye was not the end. One day we will be worshipping together at the feet of our Savior. Until then, I choose to remember the fun times with him and our other friends and be thankful for the time I was able to spend with him. Time kept moving. At the end of April we celebrated Don’s birthday, admired the boys spring pictures from school, cheered the boys on during field day and scrambled to get some cold water and ice pops to the kids when the water truck never showed.

Before we knew it school was out, summer was here and swim team was in full swing. The boys spent a week doing clinic to get to know their new coach and team better, and brush up on their skills. Then it was headfirst into the busy summer season, with meets each week and dodging thunderstorms along the way. We took a couple of trips to Dollywood and Splash Country with new friends, took in a Garth Brooks concert, and spent a week at CQ – a vacation Bible school at the school/church where I had subbed. During CQ I finally got an interview for a full time teaching job in the high school there. When I met the new principal and the other science teacher, I knew I was where God wanted me, but I wasn’t quite sure if they got that memo. I went back to the middle school ministry and just cried. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted the job until that very moment. I can’t remember the last time I wanted something so badly. I just hoped that it wasn’t just me, and that it truly was what God had planned for me and where He needed me to be. It didn’t take long to get the confirmation. The principal called and offered me the job. I didn’t even have to think about it. Yes, I could go back to Knox Co and sub and have more free hours, or even go full time there for more money, but it was not where my heart was. I was on cloud 9 the rest of the summer as I prepared to go teach Biology and Environmental Science to students I couldn’t wait to meet.

At the end of June, we managed to take an unexpected trip to New Hampshire to spend one last week on the lake at Jack’s cabin. That week was such a blessing. I needed it so badly. To be tucked away in the little town with just Don, the kids and the lake – it was wonderful. We crammed so much fun into that week. No one wanted to leave. But then again, I was anxious to get my classroom set up. Part of me wanted school to start immediately, while the other part of me longed to hang on to each hour of the summer with my kiddos. When we got back from NH we literally dove right back into the pool. We arrived in town, changed and headed to a meet. It was crazy, but we were ready. The weather was not as cooperative, but we managed to get in a couple more meets before the season ended, including the forever long, stormy and crazy Smoky Mountain Invitational, and the championship meet. Because summer wasn’t crazy busy enough as it was, we found ourselves at Children’s Hospital with Abby to have her massive oral surgery done. I wasn’t ready for that. I ached and hurt as I watched her tiny little body go limp from the anesthesia. She handled it like a champ though, and her mouth is much healthier now.

Don spent a lot of time painting my classroom and getting it cleaned up and ready. On one of those late nights, while he was at the school with my car and his car was in the shop, I found myself needing a ride to the local Emergency Room – this time with Emma. She fell on the scooter, and gashed open her chin. Thankfully our new neighbors are just an awesome bunch of people and two of them jumped right in to help. One drove us to the hospital and waited there with us until we were ready to come home, and the other checked on the boys and Abby while we were gone. The ER visit was TORTURE for both of us – not to mention the doctors and nurses who were there that night. I never want to go through that again.

Then we blinked, August had arrived, and it was time for me to start work. Classes would begin soon and everyone needed to get ready for back-to-school time. The boys were thrilled with their teacher and learned one of their swim teammates was in their class. They were ready for 5^th grade. Emma was just as exuberant about Kindergarten. She couldn’t wait to get there. We went to the back-to-school night and she took a picture with all of the other Kindergartners. I wasn’t sure I was as ready to let her go to school. I worried about her teacher – not because of the teacher – but because I knew how complex, sometimes difficult, and always adventurous Emma could be. I begged God to put her in the perfect class with the perfect teacher – and He did. There were certainly some bumps along the way, but she settled in and did great. Abby began going to preschool two days a week and begged to go more. She loved school, her teachers, her classroom and her friends. I have a feeling it will be a much easier transition for her when she gets to Kindergarten. I still struggle with the fact that she goes to school now, even if it is just a couple of days a week. I’m just not ready for my little girls to grow up!! My classes – well, my classes were just plain awesome. I found out that I had a group of some of the students I had connected with while subbing – and was ecstatic to have them all in the same class together right before lunch each day, in one of my favorite subjects to teach – Environmental Science. I was also blessed with two great groups of freshman for Biology classes.

Once everyone got into the swing of school we found ourselves facing trial after trial. At the end of August I noticed my phone was going nuts trying to send me notifications. Normally my phone is quiet during the day and I never pay any attention to it. I knew something bad was up if people were trying that hard to get in touch with me. I checked it right as I headed to lunch duty – and shouldn’t have. One of the kids I watched grow up in our hometown and whom I’d had the pleasure of working with through youth ministry activities had been shot and killed while broadcasting on the local news. It was horrendous. I still don’t think I could put those emotions into words. Though it did reconnect me with a couple of my former teens, it is still a really tough thing to talk about. Then, just as I was coming to grips with this, word came that JM had finally been charged with Morgan Harrington’s murder. The five years of emotions from that coupled with the recent murder of Adam had me grabbing the lifelines and struggling to keep afloat. I was so thankful for my coworkers and friends during that time. I knew I was where I was for a reason and God was taking care of me. So many confirmations came – every single day – one after another. It was such a comfort.

With September also came football games and a trip to VA Tech for the Hokie 5K. The boys and I met Amanda there and had a great time. We watched the football game on TV at a local favorite restaurant and the boys were excited about the atmosphere of the college campus. The next day they both managed to run and finish their first 5K and did very well – though both begged to never have to do it again. Then it was back to work and school and the days just kept flying by. Between me working, the kids going to school, me volunteering with the middle school ministry, the kids having parties and play dates to go to and all of the normal daily stuff, it seemed we never had time to just sit and relax as a family. Halloween came and we headed out to trick-or-treat in the neighborhood. My science classes had made it to the point the semester where they were dissecting. Most of them weren’t thrilled about it, but they all did so well. By this time I had gotten to know my students pretty well and was realizing my time with them was growing short. Midterms came and I found myself – in Tahoe! It was incredible. What a weekend and what timing!

Our CareRunners team goes to Tahoe each year, and I had been looking forward to this weekend from the time I got on the plane to leave last year. The logistics leading up to the event had everyone fuming. Too many changes with too little communication was turning this long-awaited race weekend into a huge headache. I had such big plans for the weekend, but with my health not improving and giving me such a hard time, I had to water down those plans. I was also hit with obstacle after obstacle, especially with the 5-mile kayak race. I don’t think anyone really understood how important it was for me to get through this weekend’s races – for me, for Morgan, for Adam – and so many others. I NEEDED those races and that weekend with my running friends. With the amazing team support and my refusal to give in to the frustrations, I managed to do my best ever kayak race (despite the race director’s poor judgment and the race being cut short) and did a great 10K race. I had to stop during the 5K, but found myself spending time with a teammate I really needed to spend that time with. It all worked out. Amanda and I found ourselves in the midst of the Tahoe race committee and volunteers and were swept into the volunteer dinner on the last night of the race. We weren’t really given a choice. We loved the extra time with our Tahoe friends and the humor of the company of the table we were seated at – but we were ready to go home.

When I got back to TN we took a family day to go to Dollywood and just spend time together. Then it was back to work and I just poured all I had to give into those students and then even more into my kids at home. I found out my health had taken a turn and I needed surgery. We scheduled it for the last day of the semester – Dec 18^th – thinking I would be fine until then and would be able to use the 2 weeks off afterwards to rest and recover. More on that in a minute.

November came and I took my science classes to the zoo. Yes, high schoolers. Yes, the zoo. We listened to a worker talk about different endangered species and the programs they had to help them. We got to get up close and personal with some animals. That was all fine and dandy until she brought out the tarantula. I had never seen my students move so fast before. It was comical. We had two absolutely perfect, beautiful days at the zoo (once with my BIO students and once with Environmental Science). I was able to spend some time with some of the students and a couple of parents – and really enjoyed getting to know everyone outside of the walls of the classroom. Then, it was back to the books.

On Thursday, November 19, my phone rang. It was the doctor calling to ask if I could come in for the surgery tomorrow. My entire crazy-busy life just stopped on a dime at that moment. My labs were off, it was better for my health not to wait any longer and like it or not, it was time to get this done. I was a wreck. I knew the surgery was coming, but the lifelong, permanent consequences of it weighed heavy on me and I was NOT ready. I cried as I asked my boss for the time off I needed. I cried as I called my husband and told him plans had changed. I cried as I got my sub plans together. I was a total mess. That night I got everything together and then next morning got the kids off to school as if it was a normal day. Only that day I didn’t go to work. I went to the hospital. As tearful as the day before had been, I was miraculously calm and at peace. (Thank you prayer warriors.) Because of the timing of my surgery, Don wasn’t able to stay with me. He had to go get Abby and then pick up the other kids from school. I was doing great until the doctor came in and I knew it was time to go. The anesthesiologist said she’d get me something to help me relax before they took me back and put me under, and that is the last thing I remember until I was trying to wake up and a nurse was saying “Wow, you had a great sleep. How are you feeling?” They moved me to a room, I was there all of an hour, and then I was on my way home. The next week was a blur. I could not stay awake. I had a really hard time shaking the anesthesia. When I finally was able to stay awake, the pain hit, and it hit hard. So then I was knocked back out by the pain medication. It was a rough nine days. Thankfully – it was only nine days.

On day 10, I was back at work. I was in pain, but it was manageable without pain meds. I was thankful the doctor was able to remove the tumor and that my time off work was minimal. I was ready to be back with my students and get them ready for finals. I couldn’t believe the end of the semester was here already. I wasn’t ready to let these students go! I was just getting to know them well enough! But, that’s the way things go.

I finished up the classwork and labs, reviewed for the finals until they knew the material in their sleep, and spent some down time with Christmas fun. We went to Kindergarten for Christmas crafts, went to the big tree for class photos, had a Christmas movie day and made gifts together in the classroom. It was such a great time for all of us. Exams came and went and we found ourselves on Christmas vacation. As I read over the letters and cards from my students, I thanked God for the time I’d had with them and prayed for each of them as they moved on to other classes. I prayed for each of my incoming students and made sure my entire semester was ready to go. I wanted to be sure to focus the entire two weeks on my family and not work, but I also wanted to be able to walk back in to my classroom on the first Monday of January and know everything was ready to go and there was no stress waiting to assault me.

So here we are. Christmas is already a memory and the New Year is right around the corner. I know so many are looking forward to this year called 2015 ending. It has been a rough one for sure. But don’t forget the blessings that snuck in each day too. I watched as friends went through breakups and divorces, but I also rejoiced at the news of engagements and new babies. I watched as high school football players struggled through each game with injuries and ended the season without winning a game. But I also rejoiced as another group of high school football players carried my entire hometown to a state championship title. I watched friends bury loved ones – parents, grandparents, children and close friends. But I also rejoiced at the news of cancers beaten, diseases healed, lost children found, and injuries overcome. I watched as people ran in fear and cried over senseless violence. But I also rejoiced over those little news stories that got lost along the way – the police officer who saved a newborn baby and mom, the Marine who stopped a terrorist before he could hurt anyone, the civilians who stood on guard protecting the police officers who were serving them.

For every negative of the year there was just as many, if not more, positives. For every trial and difficulty there was a moment of joy and triumph. So when you think of 2015, what will you remember? The good? Or the bad?

2016 is coming. Guess what? There will be a ton of trials during this year too. We aren’t promised an easy life here. BUT – 2016 is also going to be filled with tons of blessings. Are you ready to see them? Don’t focus so hard on the tears and hurts of 2015 that you miss the amazing peace, joy and blessings He has in store for you in 2016. To everything there is a season. Let go of the past and keep pressing on towards the goal. Don’t take your eyes off Him or be distracted by the things of this world that are pressing in. Yes, this life hurts sometimes. Yes, there are tears and pain. Yes, it is hard. But this is only temporary. This is not the end. My absolute favorite lyrics from this past year have kept me going as they have replayed non-stop for the past three months:

              “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place,

              I’m on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held.”

Things are happening for a reason. We may not understand it all here, but we can rest assured that God is working it all out for His good – and ours. Focus on the good, choose joy, and be the light. Or, as our CareRunners team will be saying throughout 2016 – go Glow in the Dark! In those dark times, be a light of His hope, love, peace and joy. Reflect His light in such a way that it draws others to Him. Be so focused on Him that you lose sight of the negative stuff going on around you, but never lose the willingness to reach out and help someone else out of those dark times.

May your new year be a time of renewal – in body, mind, spirit and strength. May it be filled with love, laughter, family and friends. And may it glow so brightly the whole world will see.

Happy New Year! 

RACE DAY recap

I finally have a quick minute to tell you about the race.

I arrived in Roanoke around 1 PM and rushed by to see Mitzi and grab some cookies she's been holding for me for several weeks. Then it was off to grab some lunch with Amanda and go to packet pick up in the Market. Love the socks they gave us in our runner packets. Love how quick the bib pick up & shirt pick up were. I'll save the rest of my comments on the "expo".

We ended up driving the entire course. Just to see it. I so should not have done that. It was psyching me out. But - at least I got a good feel for what to expect. It was going to hurt. Bad. It was going to be tough. Very tough. But if I could make it to the star, all was golden. 

We left downtown and made a quick stop by my godparents' home to say hello. It was so nice to sit and just chat with them and catch up. Then we rushed to Dad's because we knew he was making dinner for us - and we didn't want to be late.

I had a huge surprise as we sat down to eat. A car pulled up in the drive just as we took our first bite. Apparently everyone but me knew my friend Diane was coming in for my race. I was so excited! So Dad chatted with the 3 of us over dinner and we took Amanda back to her car. Early bed for all because at...

4:30 AM I am up, showering, eating, getting dressed and gearing up for the race. We left the house at 6 AM. Arrived to find a perfect parking spot just as Amanda got a good spot in the next lot over. We went to the finish line, took some photos and went to the start line. John Carlin says "20 minutes til race starts." Cue porta-potty line. No way I was going to make it to the corral if I stood in the line. Thankfully some girl came out of nowhere and told 4 of us that there was a bathroom just inside the side door to the hotel. The outside door was locked but as another runner exited, in we went. Fastest wait ever. Back to corral. My GPS watch would not find my location. It finally decided to work during the national anthem. John Carlin and some way-too-excited-at-7 AM-guy started the race and off we went.

First mile was no problem. Even the first two hills. The third hill, I was feeling it, but it was doable. As we started up the mountain more and more, I was starting to really feel it. I hit mile marker 2, looked around, saw no one was running. Not one person. I thought "Why am I still trying to run?" and began power walking. Almost all of mile 2 was a power walk. Just before mile 3 I saw a man hunched over on the side looking in pain. He got back out in front of me and started to go. Then started holding his back, stopped and hunched over again. As I passed I patted his shoulder and said something like "You've got this." He said thank you. We all kind of stayed packed together til the turn at Mill Mountain. As some of the people headed towards Roanoke Mountain, I waved and said "bye crazy people - I'm taking the short-cut." Everyone laughed and our 10K pack headed up the last huge incline before my victory and everyone else's halfway point. My goal was the top of that mountain. Making it to the star was victory. The rest of the race did not matter to me. We began giggling and chuckling as we heard our intervals beeping and no one heeded them. "Ignore" was in everyone's thoughts. There was no running up that thing. It was a power-walking race. The same man began to lag but we hit mile 3 and everyone perked up a bit. He told me have a good run-walk and he'd see me at the finish. A half-marathon runner caught up to me (no joking ) and she and I hit the top of the mountain together. She told me to take the time to look out at the overlook because it's an amazing view. I smiled, said "I grew up here" and as we came around the front of the star I saw water, Gatorade, pretzels, orange slices and gummy bears. I was in heaven. Grabbed my snack and drink, slammed them in the mouth, adjusted everything, smiled at the camera, and took off.

I flew down the first 1.5 miles of that mountain. No intervals for walking. Just leaned forward and let gravity take me, while praying silently to stay on my feet. I heard people around me scared of falling and someone slipped on the tar that had just been put down. We got to the Brown house and there were mimosas for the runners (courtesy of the people who lived in the house). I grabbed a juice-only, took one sip, threw the cup and kept running. I hit mile 5, looked at my watch, saw "9:58" for mile 5 and cracked up. The cop standing there said "well that must have been a good one." He had no idea. I just smiled and kept running. I was still flying when I got back to Walnut Ave and stayed running down the hill. Hit the bridge and had to take my interval to walk. Finally. Then I went back to my 2:30 min of running to 30 seconds walking. I started slowing down. I could feel the exhaustion setting in. Jefferson Avenue seemed so very long. And uphill. Some guy beside me was telling his wife or girlfriend or whoever, "Come on. We are there. And then we never have to do this again." I laughed out loud, said I was totally with them and we took off for the finish. As I rounded the corner I took a quick peek at my watch and was amazed. I'd aimed for an hour and a half. I saw the finish line come into view and a girl came up beside me and said, come on, let's sprint it. We raced as fast as we could across the line. She then turned, smiled and said "that was fun. Thanks. I needed that." I did too. So much. I saw the clock saying "01:20:58" I heard John Carlin say "Kristi Casey" and "Knoxville, TN" but I was too tired and relieved to look around or listen. I just went straight for the water. And the amazing food at the runner tent. Could not believe how much they set out for us. That was the best & most organized part of the entire event. Much appreciated. After I grabbed my stuff I headed towards Amanda and Diane. Found them quickly and asked if they happened to see my finish time. Neither knew the exact but said just under 1:21. Diane took a video of my finish - which was cool. I felt good. Tired, but good. Could not believe I wasn't hurting more than I was. I shared some of the highlights with them as we sat and I stretched and ate/drank. We tried to find out if the Harringtons were there. I went back for more water and saw them put out chocolate milk. I looked like I hit the lottery as I reached for the milk. JUST what I wanted/needed. Plus more water. Ran into the man I'd patted on the way up the mountain. He had finished. It then dawned on me that I had not been last. Diane said "not even close". We looked up my time. 1:20:45. WHOA! Where did THAT come from?!?! I still can't believe it. Going up the mountain I was going to be happy with anything under 2 hours. I knew I could walk it in less than 1:45. By the time I hit mile 5 I thought I may actually make it in less than 1:30. I was shocked by my real time. Our team took a few pictures. Then Dan Harrington called (thank you Kenny) and said he & Gil would like to meet for lunch. They invited all of us to come and we made plans to meet at 12:15 at the restaurant. That gave me just enough time to go shower first!! YES!!! grin emoticonSo we rushed to Dad's, ran into Color Run traffic and laughed about finishing a 2nd race, then I showered & freshened up, and we headed back downtown for lunch.

Seeing the Harringtons after so many years and such a tough past 5 years was awesome. I gave Gil a long-overdue hug, gave one to Dan too, and introduced them to Diane and Amanda. We then headed to a different restaurant since the first one was closed, and sat down to eat. The conversation was great. The time together was precious. It was exactly what I'd needed. We had a wonderful lunch and then headed on our separate ways. After a picture or two. And promises to keep in touch. As we walked away, Gil called "Hey Kristi... 2-4-1." I signed it back to her and turned to Amanda and said "Aw! She told me 2-4-1." That was the closest to emotional the entire time had been - which was perfect. It made me smile as we headed back to the car.

We went back to Dad's and were basically half-awake sitting on the couch while Dad watched the race. We just vegged out for a bit. It was much-needed down time. Then Diane had to go (boo) so we said our goodbyes and then Amanda and I got ready to go to a cookout we'd been invited to for dinner. We met lots of folks and I got to spend some long-overdue time with Jason and his family, and see Granny Tate. It was great. We had another wonderful time, but I was fading fast. I was beyond exhausted. We left early and Amanda headed home while I headed to Dad's. I was starting to hurt and was awake enough to just get packed and organized, then I went to bed. I was asleep quickly, and without little voices calling "Mommy" in the middle of the night, had a very restful sleep. The alarm came early and rolling out of bed took real effort. Ouch. But ouch in the places I hadn't expected. Like my shoulders?? I ate quickly and I headed back to Knoxville. My kids were overjoyed to have me back home, and I was glad to be out of the car after sitting for 4 hours. I have been stretching while cuddling and catching up on hugs and "I love you more"s.

Am I glad I did it? Absolutely? Do I want to run it again next year or in the future? NO. Nope. I'm good. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. And the medal. I'm good. Once was great. smile emoticon

I do have to say thank you - to the race organizer Julie who gifted me the registration so I had this opportunity to run in my hometown. To my team - many of whom ran in their hometown during my run so I wouldn't be racing alone - and to the ones who were there at the finish to cheer me on. And to all of you who posted encouragement and covered me in prayer this weekend. It's the first race I can remember in a long time where I did not have a single medical issue and was able to actually run my race. I gave it my all - but could not have gotten there without you. Thank you!!!!

Next race.... May 17th here in Farragut. Another 10K. MUCH flatter course. You'd THINK it might be much easier after running up Mill Mountain. We shall see.

‪#‎BRM‬ ‪#‎runblueridge‬ ‪#‎carerunners‬

The book of 2015: chapter 1

The children snuggled together in Mommy's bed under the warm blankies. Two kids are coughing but who cares? We're together and it's a brand new year. Around 10 AM they wandered down to the kitchen together where Daddy had made some waffles for breakfast. Mommy strolled to the computer to pay some bills and thought "My, we've come so far in 3 long-short months. Things are finally moving in the right direction. This could be a great year." A quick check of emails and Facebook and then it's to the living room where the family watched a movie together. Afterwards, the boys went upstairs to their room to hang out together with their IPads and the girls started their daily destructive hurricane play routine, while Mommy made a crock pot full of homemade chili and baked a couple of potatoes for her and Daddy. She took a few quiet moments to work out and managed to accomplish a mini-goal. She then caught up on her emails and Facebook - which were full of busy and happy reports today - and talked to an old friend and made plans for a special event coming soon. Then she made some homemade pizza for the kiddos who won't touch chili and baked potatoes. The kids began trickling into the kitchen as they smelled the food and lots of laughter and talking took place. Mommy then hung out with the kiddos while they proclaimed it was the best pizza they'd ever had (sadly - no - it was not - but Mom's just glad they liked it). Now they are piled all over the couches and watching football together. Mommy suddenly realizes the kids are still in their PJs and thinks "who cares?! - it's been a great (and peaceful) New Year's Day (minus the coughs). Soon the darkness will fall and heavy little eyes will go back to bed for (hopefully) a good night of restful sleep, so they can wake up ready to start chapter 2 tomorrow.

115 days and counting

115 days until the Anthem 10K. Seems like an eternity when I think about it. But I also know that preparation begins months before a race. I've been trying to hold off until after Christmas to start focusing on it. Right now my family needs my attention and I've been trying to get other things organized and taken care of. But soon... very soon... my focus will be on the 10K coming at me in April. I'm really excited about it - but very nervous too. Never have I felt such pressure from a race. Never have I had such high expectations or goals for a race. Never have I felt such a burden for a cause or charity I am running for. And never has that cause been so personal. 

For those unfamiliar with the background to it.. here is why I am running, or, more importantly, who I am running for. 

In the summer of 2000 I was an adventure camp counselor at Camp Roanoke in Salem, VA. I had a different group of campers each week, and of the 200+ kids I interacted with that summer, I could probably tell you the names of about 20 of them. One of those names and faces that stuck in my mind long after camp ended was Morgan Harrington. Why did she stand out? Well - she was the youngest of all of our campers that week. She was tiny and absolutely darling - inside and out. She was just an energetic, happy, free-spirited young lady with a ton of determination and spunk. Nothing we threw at her that week phased her. She climbed like a pro during rock climbing at Bozoo. She paddled mile after mile while chattering away and making everyone laugh. She barely voiced a negative word the entire week - even when things went wrong - like the earwigs overtaking her tent & all of her belongings while camping at Bozoo, or when my coworker locked the keys in the van and we were left standing around waiting for what seemed like an eternity until he was finally able to get into the van and get us back to camp. She was always positive, always encouraging her fellow campers, and always seemed so grown up with all of her answers. She was mature beyond her years - yet had the sweet, sensitive side that was always ready to give a hug. I loved her dearly and am so thankful for some short video clips and pictures from that week to remind me of what she was like as an 11 year old child. 

Why? Because in October 2009, I was walking through our house in NYC when I heard the name Morgan Harrington come across a news broadcast. I stopped, asked my husband what was being said, and told him I'd had a camper named Morgan Harrington. He said "some girl from VA Tech went missing from a Metallica concert." I stopped. Stared at the TV and prayed to God it was not her. Then they showed a picture of Morgan. It was 10 years older than the face I remembered, but I knew in an instant it was her. I grabbed my photo album from camp, turned to the pages from her week of camp, and showed it to my husband. It was her. There was no doubt. I was stunned. I prayed and wondered for days. I grieved, not knowing what was coming and afraid to find out. I searched for news and information for weeks - hoping upon hope I'd hear she'd been found and was fine. Sometime around the end of November reality set in. I didn't want to give up hope, but I knew, just knew, Morgan was never coming back. I knew she was gone. But I didn't want to believe it. I sent a message to her brother, who'd also been one of my campers that same week at camp, and sent a message to Morgan's Facebook page - kind of as a way to put into words what I was praying. I knew in January when my sister called to tell me they'd found a body on Anchorage Farms that it was her. They weren't saying much at the time, but I knew. I grieved again. Wave after wave of grief. HOW? WHY? What did the poor girl go through? Why would someone be so cruel? This child had SO MUCH to give this world. Such a personality. Such a strong, stubborn determination. Such an intense desire to be somebody and do something big to make the world a better place. She was the kid every mom dreamed of having. How could she possibly be gone??

I remember we were hit with a snowstorm just before her funeral and I was unable to go. I sent a sympathy card to her parents but it felt so inadequate. I connected with others who were also grieving her death and looking for ways to help. I did everything I possibly could to help find her killer. His police profile picture was seared into my brain. I circulated it whenever and wherever I could. And I did what I always do when I can't put my thoughts into words or even get them sorted out in my mind - I ran. 

In September 2014, I went to Lake Tahoe and paddled - for Morgan. In April, I will be going to Roanoke - to run - for Morgan. In October I will be going back to Tahoe - to run and paddle - for Morgan. I cannot imagine what Dan & Gil Harrington have gone through in the past 5+ years. I cannot imagine what the families of Hannah Graham, Alexis Murphy or others have gone through or are continuing to endure. All I know is that I want to do all I can to  help keep my own girls and every other girl safe. So I am running for Help Save the Next Girl. Morgan's mom Gil founded the organization shortly after Morgan's death. Though my contact with Gil has been limited, I know how passionate she is about helping other families going through similar ordeals as she has been through. I know how passionate she is about keeping other girls safe from violent predators. I may have been unable to help Morgan, but I can help Gil in her mission. As I run I will be carrying the names of Morgan, Hannah, Alexis and others with me. I will keep telling their stories and sharing about their lives. I will be telling everyone I can about Help Save the Next Girl. I will be asking for people to sponsor me and donate to Help Save the Next Girl so they can keep moving forward and expanding. And every time I will be hearing Morgan's sweet little voice from my camp video and remembering WHY I am doing this. 

So I hope you have a better understanding of my journey and will keep venturing down this road with me. If anyone wants to join in for one of the runs or the kayak race, I'd love to have the company. We have an awesome team heading to Tahoe and I know there are a ton of supporters who will be at the Roanoke race. Blue Ridge Marathon has a ton of promo codes and discounts coming up for the races - and I will be sharing them right here on my blog. As I begin the training stage in the coming days I will share the ups and downs, the struggles and triumphs, and what's being done to support HSTNG - and what you can do to help. 

I need a silent night...

          "I need a silent night, a holy night

         To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise

         I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here

        To end this crazy day with a silent night" 

                     (Amy Grant - I Need A Silent Night)

Tis the season of bustle and broken hearts. It seems everywhere I turn lately there is more bad news creeping in. Oh how my heart aches sometimes with the overwhelming grief, pain, struggles, and trials of this life. Not just mine, but those around me. Friends, family, even acquaintances I barely know: strangers on the news, kids at a school in a different district, a neighbor's aging parent. It seems everyone is facing some sort of hardship right now; some incredibly tragic and some that might seem trivial to those they don't directly impact, but weighing heavily in the hearts facing them. This Christmas is far from normal for us, yet somehow, in the midst of the chaos and confusion, there is overwhelming hope, peace and joy. For every blow life is dealing, God is delivering a rebuttal of incredible blessings. For every hit from the world, God is hitting back with forces mightier and stronger. For every uncertainty, He is providing a definitive answer. For every loss He is providing something bigger and better. Most of the time these blessings are being delivered through those I've never met and never had any contact with. People who I'd never have expected to cross paths with. It's amazing how He works like that. It's important that we find some silence in this season to hear His voice and see His hands moving more clearly. It's important to remember the holy night, the reason for the season. It's important to praise Him and sing with the angels high above the noise of the holiday shopping and parties. It's important to find that midnight clear - the place and time where everything comes into focus. Or maybe, for now, just a place where you can see the faintest light of hope in the distance and know that everything will be okay in time. To find the peace right here. Now. In the midst of it all. To find peace within. Peace with Him. A peace only He can provide. A peace that will overtake our hearts and minds and fill our entire being with nothing but hope and joy. Stop for a moment in the busy bustle of this season and listen. Listen for the silent night. The holy night. The angel voice. The midnight clear. The peace. Listen. Breathe it in and let it consume you. Let it block out the world and let His light shine so brightly you don't have to wonder. Know, with no doubt or hesitation, that He has come, the King was born, our Hope is here and there IS reason to celebrate this Christmas. 

What happened to 2014?!

Wow! The last time I blogged was in January! What happened to 2014?! It's already December and everyone's gearing up for 2015. I apologize for the long absence. It's been a whirlwind of a year. 

After my Tink run in January I took some time off from running. I officially retired from half-marathons after the Tink half, and began to focus on a future in 10Ks. I have not missed half-marathons. At all. I have, however, found that I absolutely LOVE racing 10Ks. The distance is just far enough that it challenges me both physically and mentally, but short enough that it doesn't exacerbate any of the medical conditions. It has become my "perfect run distance." I did a few small, local races in NYC and one 4-miler in New Hampshire over the summer, as well as one obstacle race with my boys in July. In September, I journeyed out to South Lake Tahoe, CA to participate in my absolute fave event, the Lake Tahoe Marathon weekend. 

Tahoe was such a great experience. When Amanda and I first arrived, we somehow ended up being conned into volunteering at packet pickup on day 1. Although unplanned, we really didn't mind. We ended up meeting some really awesome people and had a great time. On the morning of the second day I participated in a 5-mile kayak race. It was amazing. I loved every second of it. Surprisingly, I won 1st place in the women's open division. I met two other wonderful ladies during the event and have kept in touch with one of them via Facebook. We are both looking forward to returning to Tahoe in October 2015. After the race Amanda and I again were drafted to help with race administration, and we gladly complied. When things finally wrapped up we headed to Heavenly Ski Resort to explore. We spent time in the village and then at the top of the incline. One cool part was being able to see exactly where I'd kayaked that morning - from a very high vantage point. On the morning of day 3 we both participated in the 10K, along with some other friends. My first mile was fast. Probably too fast for the elevation, but it helped me get a great split time for both the 5K and 4-mile marks. However, the elevation eventually won the battle with my body and I slowed significantly for miles 5 & 6. I finished in a decent time, less than 10 minutes off my PR from January. I had teammates at the finish line cheering as I crossed and I joined them to wait for the rest of our team. It was an enjoyable scenic race and a very memorable weekend. 

Right after I got back from Tahoe, we were supposed to move to Tennessee. The same day my overnight flight arrived in NYC, Patrick fell off the monkey bars and broke his elbow. A surgery and 3 pins, one week of rest and x-rays, and two followup visits later, we were still in NYC. Finally, we got to move down to TN at the end of September. It seemed like Murphy's Law wanted to win against our move. Badly. So many things kept going wrong. One after the other. I just kept pushing forward and trying to laugh it off. I began working with Bricks 4 Kidz in the afternoons and enjoyed being back in a familiar setting, though with different people. I just adore my bosses - especially Maria. She and I immediately found common ground and have become good friends in the two months I've been here. I could not be happier with my job and the people I work with. I am also on the sub list for Knox County Schools, but so far things have been so crazy I've yet to actually work a day. We have been busy unpacking, cleaning, organizing, prepping for Christmas, catching the boys up on missed schoolwork, and taking Patrick back to NYC for his follow-up appointments, since our insurance did not follow us to TN. Like I said - one thing after another.

One of the things that stands out in my mind that happened right after we got here to TN is news came that another girl was missing in VA. Hannah Graham had disappeared after a security camera spotted her being followed by a man. That man ended up being arrested, and finally, after 5 long years, Morgan Harrington's killer had potentially been caught. That brought on so many different emotions on so many levels. I had done the 5-mile kayak just a couple of weeks before that in memory of Morgan, and had even brought home a 2nd medal from the event to send to Morgan's parents. It took a while to process it out, and I'm still not sure how to explain what I'm feeling in regards to it. I did send the medal to Dan and Gil, and received a package in return. In the package, Gil's mom had sent a Help Save the Next Girl shirt, a print of a time line of Morgan's life, and a very touching letter. Part of it reminded me once again of my favorite thing to tell people: "You have the greatest impact on those you never knew were watching or listening." Adding to that, you never know just how many years your impact will continue in a life. Long after my time with Morgan, things we had shared and learned together became a part of her life and the way she gave back to this world. Now, it's my turn to help her continue to give back. I am partnering with both my CareRunners team and Help Save the Next Girl in 2015, hoping to carry Morgan's legacy and reach out to young women across the nation, keeping them safe from violent predators.  

So, here we are. It's December and, thanks to a friend who generously found a tree for us, our home is decorated and we are all anxiously awaiting Santa's return. It's been a rough couple of months, but I absolutely love our new home, our new neighborhood, our new friends and neighbors, and our boys' school & teacher. The people and the place are just awesome. The transitions, stress, finances, unpacking and other things associated with the move - not-so-awesome. But I know they will eventually get sorted out and things will be better down the road. It's just that I'm not the most patient person in the world, so I want things done now. Right now. Today. Yesterday even. I've been working a lot on letting it go and letting God take the wheels. He's managed to pull off one amazing miracle or blessing after another in response to every mishap or blow that has happened so far. It's been fun (?) to watch and experience. One thing is for sure: without Him, I would be in a crumpled heap in the middle of the floor, sobbing and wishing for a different life. Or at least all the stress to go away from this life. Instead, with Him, there is just an amazing peace and contentment. I can clearly see every single blessing and every time His hands move in my life. That part of this experience I wouldn't trade for anything. 

What is in store for 2015? Well, I was thrown into a director position with CareRunners, so I'm trying to get organized and ready to take over leadership of our team. It's a bit daunting, but I'm excited to see where it leads. Thanks to my CareRunners team and the great folks of the Blue Ridge Marathon, I finally have the opportunity to run a charity race in my hometown for the first time ever. Seven years of charity racing, and not once has a single race of mine been done in my hometown. That is to change in April when I run the Anthem Star 10K. I will be blogging about my training and the race as the new year rolls around. Also in 2015, I will hopefully be returning to Tahoe to defend my kayak title and try again to reach my goal time on my 10K. Those are really my only two big plans for 2015. I've learned not to plan much else. I'm all for God dropping something in my lap and letting me run with it on the go now. Wait - maybe I should rethink that statement... 

Until next time - Merry CHRISTmas! Go out and do something great - and be great at it! Reach out, serve others and love deeply. Life is short. Savor every moment and use the time you have to make someone else's life better. 

Who's to Blame? Who's got the Solution?

Another school shooting. Another community ripped apart. Another group of young, innocent lives taken way too soon.

Enter the debaters and critics. Immediately everyone runs to point fingers. "It's because of guns. We need gun control." "It's because of health care system is dysfunctional and doesn't help those with mental illness get the help they need." "It's because of poor parenting." "It's because of lack of security in schools." And on. And on. And on.

One of the first reactions from many schools was limiting access to the school - to parents. Let's look at this for a minute. A parent sends his or her son to a building filled with other children and a handful of staff every day for 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. The parent is not allowed into the building, can't tell you what his child's class looks like, doesn't know where in the classroom his child sits, can't tell you anything about the child's teacher or his/her style of teaching, and doesn't know what the child is being taught, told, exposed to or witnessing up to 35 hours a week. Anyone think maybe that could be a problem???

I can vividly remember parents in my elementary school. They came to help with class projects and field trips. They were there on field day. They were there for birthdays and holidays. They were there checking with the teacher to see if she needed anything or if their child was behaving. They were very visible in our school. Kids behaved. Why? Because if their parent wasn't there, someone else's parent was - and our parents actually communicated back then. Every parent helped look out for every child in that class - and in the school. They helped control behavior, they helped kids work out problems, they helped clean up spills and tidy up desks, they took kids to the office for a Band-Aid or stomach ache, they helped kids learn and grow - they were there and an instrumental part in the child's education. We had less problems - even in a very volatile neighborhood - because we had a huge parent presence in and around the school. People in the neighborhood saw large amounts of adults - parents, teachers and administrators - surrounding the kids at all times.

Let's go back to guns. The same week as the shooting in the CT school there was another shooting in a mall. The gunman aimed to kill as many as possible, but a good guy with a gun stopped him before he could kill more than 2. Guns don't kill people. Evil people kill people.

Mental health? This is actually a very good reason that needs to be addressed. It's not the only reason or problem, but it is definitely a contributing factor. Having worked for a couple of years in an in-patient psychiatric hospital, and for several other years with special needs and at-risk youth, I've seen firsthand how inadequate mental health care in America is. How do we fix it? I don't know. But it needs to be looked at.

Poor parenting? Maybe. Maybe not. A parent cannot control every single thing their child does. Nor can they anticipate the child they gave birth to ever growing up to do something so horrific. If parenting is the problem, why aren't we helping new parents more? Why aren't there more resources out there and readily available for moms and dads who need a hand?

There is no one reason for anything like the Newtown shooting. Incidents like this happen for a combination of reasons and typically have many factors involved.

What are the solutions and answers to these events? Like the reasons, there needs to be a variety of solutions and answers. Get parents back into the schools and involved. Stop blaming and pointing fingers and be part of the solution. Provide better mental health care and parenting resources. Instead of limiting guns and keeping them from people, let them be used to stop these evil people. Put security in school to keep those not affiliated with the school away.

You cannot possibly stop every incident from happening. It is impossible to dream up every possible scenario and make a plan to stop it. It's just not going to happen. Overreacting and putting rules and laws into place are not going to stop the problem - and could actually make the problems worse. Simply get more involved and more alert. See something - say something. Be proactive. Surround our kids with attentive, loving, caring and trustworthy adults who give them a sense of protection and structure. It truly does take a village to raise a child. BE a villager. BE actively involved. Surround the kids and communities with GOOD.

 

****I've already been asked why I didn't put God into this discussion. Trust me - I want to. I think He is the ONLY answer to all of the questions and problems and concerns. However, that's another point for another blog.****

Joy to the World

"Joy to the world..."

For the life of me I could not figure out how that song got stuck in my head exactly two weeks to the hour that Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy hit my city with a devastating blow. It was especially curious since I was in no frame of mind to think about the Christmas season with all its commerciality while I was working with children who would have anything but a typical "merry" Christmas this year. Yet the song just popped into my head as I tucked my kids into bed and continued playing on repeat as I went about my nightly routine of straightening up the house and readying for the next day.

"Joy to the world... the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King... let every heart prepare Him room..."

Yes, the Lord has definitely made His power and presence known in this city lately. When a group of us had discussed the strong feeling that God was about to do something BIG here on Staten Island, a hurricane wasn't exactly what we expected. However, watching person after person search for and find Him in the storm's wake brought an immeasurable joy. There was no doubt in His power with the fierceness of the storm that hit. There was no doubt of His ability to perform miracles as story after story of "near-misses" emerged. There was indeed joy when our King was received - despite the circumstances that brought it about.

"Joy to the world, the Savior reigns... let men their songs employ... while fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains... repeat the sounding joy..."

When our Savior reigns, there is joy that cannot diminish or fade away, no matter what circumstances surround us. There is a woman here on Staten Island with a young daughter who lost everything. Their home literally floated away down the street with all of their belongings in it. Yet the woman and her child were smiling, and the mom kept saying "It's okay, I know God has a plan. I'm honored to be a part of His plan. I know bigger blessings are coming than the ones that just washed away." The Savior reigned in her life and despite the fact that everything was gone except for her life and the life of her child, she was filled with joy and anticipation of the blessings to come.

"No more let sins and sorrows grow... nor thorns infest the ground... He comes to make His blessings flow..."

He punishes us for our sins. As a loving Father, He must. He wants to bless us with better things. He wants us to turn from things of this earth and seek things of greater value - His things. When we let go of our earthly desires and treasures, we can fully see His gifts. As we let go of our material things we find joy in the things that really matter. As we walk away from our sin He blesses us and brings greater joy than we could have ever imagined. Sometimes He moves and allows things to happen to get our attention back on Him and on the things of eternity. He reminds us that life here on earth is temporary and fleeting. There are greater things yet to come for those who believe.

"He rules the world with truth and grace... and makes the nations prove... the glories of His righteousness... and wonders of His love..."

When the Truth rules with Grace, there is great joy. When He is allowed to rule over all - His truth, His mercies, His will, His grace, His discipline, His love - the joy cannot be matched. There is no greater joy than living in His truth and grace. His glory is revealed when His people respond to trials and tragedies with the same love and compassion that He has shown us. We give Him honor and praise when we serve in His name - showing His power and majesty to the world. After the superstorm, Staten Island was not immediately assisted by the government, by the big-name agencies or by the military. The city was assisted by the people and the church. The body of Christ moved together in unity to reach out and help every person it could. Neighbor helped neighbor - even strangers. Staten Island relied on God and His people to bring help, rescue, care and restoration. Every hand that is reaching out to help another is visually demonstrating His love and compassion. Every gift that is given speaks of His grace and mercy. People are bringing joy to others with His truth and grace.

"JOY to the WORLD"

I guess He was trying to remind me that no matter what is going on, there is "joy unspeakable that won't go away" in my life. Which brought me to my next thought (song). I don't have to worry about tomorrow because He's already there. He's already taking care of what's to come. In faith, I can fully count on Him - and be filled with His joy and peace.

"Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength to live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God
I am counting on
I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me
Is the mystery that sets me free
I'm nothing like I used to be
Just open up your eyes, you'll see

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength to live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God
I am counting on
I am counting on God" (Desperation Band)

Yes, I am counting on God. And I will keep singing for joy as I wait.

Aurora CO Theatre 9 - God was still in control

Instead of posting a blog with my thoughts about last night's shooting, I wanted to share this blog from a mom of teens who was there and lived it.

It's powerful. Read it. Share it.

http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god/

Best Mom EVER - but not as good as God

"Mommy - you should be everyone's mom."

Nothing could have prepared me for that impromtu compliment from one of my seven year old boys. Especially since he'd just come out from time out after getting in trouble for fighting with his brother.

"Aww... thank you... I will take that as a compliment," I said.

"You should Mommy. It was. You are the best mom in the world."

Now I'm wondering what he wants. Seriously. What is he buttering me up for now? Even better was his brother suddenly agreeing with him with a "Yeah Mom - you're the best!"

Um... excuse me... who are you and where are the two boys who were just mad at me for sending them to time out?

I gave both boys a hug and kiss, said thank you, and got back to fixing dinner. Meanwhile I'm thinking how awesome God is to give me such verbal reassurance through my seven year olds during a time when I'm struggling to find my footing as a mom. Since Abby's birth almost six weeks ago I've been on a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions of everything from "I'm the worst mom ever" and "how in the world do other moms of four or more kids make it look so easy" to "That wasn't so bad - I survived that" and "OK - maybe I can do this - eventually." Daily I'm begging God to give me the strength, patience, stamina and energy to get through providing just the basic of needs for all four children and my spouse. To hear a message that I'm doing okay - especially so loud and clear - was such a soothing, comforting hug for my heart.

Later, just to keep me humble, the same son comes up to me and says, "You know Mommy, you're great, but you're not as good as God." I had to laugh. I told him, "You are absolutely right! I'm not even close to being as good as God!" Then I laughed again. The other son, with a serious expression on his face, looks at me and says, in a very serious tone, "Mommy, it's not funny. You may not be God, but you are the best mom ever." I tried to muffle my laughter, conceal my smile and acknowledge his thoughts and feelings on the matter.

After tucking everyone snugly in their beds I went to say just a simple "thank you" to my Father for giving me such amazing blessings. No matter how tired I am, how frustrated I get, or how big of a failure I feel like at times, ultimately He is the main parent in this whole relationship, and as long as I keep turning to Him and turning my children's' faces to Him, it's all going to be OK. He's still "got this."

Don't worry - He's got this

Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of everything I'm doing at one time I have to laugh. I can only imagine what anyone looking in on me would think. For instance - I was working on a doctorate level paper, listening to the sound of Bambi playing on TV in the background, watching the clock to make sure I didn't miss the bus, texting a friend, and timing labor contractions. Yep. All at the same time. And that's not unusual in my world. Well - other than the contractions. Welcome to my life - crazy as it may be.

Last night I fell victim to one of the devil's nastiest little tricks - fear. I was overwhelmed with the what if's and I can'ts. I was looking at the weekend with the wrong eyes. My husband was leaving for a week in FL, I was having contractions and had just been told Wednesday "any time now" about our baby girl's soon arrival. My family and friends are hours away. My husband's family is busy with work, the failing health of a couple of older members, and a scheduled family party on Sunday. My "reinforcements" - AKA - friends who are willing to drop everything in their lives and come and stay for a week or two to help out - aren't scheduled to arrive until late Monday at the earliest. Nothing is going according to our well thought-out plans and agenda. Just as I was about to hit the big panic button a post popped up on Facebook. It was a simple picture that read "You worry too much. I have this. Remember? Love, God." I just started laughing through the tears that were threatening to overtake me. His timing is perfect. So is His humor. Then I got to thinking...

If His timing is so perfect with a simple word of encouragement or a reminder of His control in all this chaos of life - how much more perfect is His timing with something bigger and more consuming - like the arrival of a baby or caring for the needs of His children? Yes - my plans are being changed and the perfect timing in my vision is way off. But - in His timing - it's all right on schedule. In His plan there isn't a "what if" or any "oops." He totally has this whole weekend under control. It's been fine all along. What went wrong was my focus strayed and my doubts started to shout louder than His truths stored in my heart, mind and soul.

Another post on Facebook popped up. Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" song.
     "Don't worry about a thing,
     'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
     Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
     'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Another friend sent me a reminder via text - "The battle's already been won. The victory is ours. Stop stressing. It's all already okay in the end."

By the time I fell into bed last night I was consumed with a peace beyond any comprehension. I knew I could end up at the hospital giving birth at any moment - with or without someone there with me - and it was all OK. I knew I could have to deal with leaving my other three kids with someone at the spur of the moment and would have to trust that they were being well taken care of while I was in the hospital. But it was OK. It wasn't scary anymore.

When I woke up this morning I had several surprises in store. First, my sister-in-law had the day off and took my boys to school. Worry one gone. Over. Erased. Non-existent. Then when she came home she took my Emma and me out to breakfast. That's one way to keep Emma occupied for a couple of hours without me having to chase her around the house cleaning up after her two-year-old wave of destruction. Worry two gone. Over. Done. During breakfast my sister-in-law and I managed to come up with a "plan of action" for the weekend - just in case. Worries three through a million - gone. Over. Invisible. I literally took a deep breath and thought "Thanks God. You did it again. You proved again that I was wrong to doubt and right to let it all go last night. You proved again that You were already many steps ahead of me. I'm sorry I let fear creep in again."

Overnight I had messages from the most unexpected people filled with encouragement and even offers of help. Two people I never dreamed of even used the words "if anything happens or you need anything, call me. I'll be there." Some people's paths crossed mine in the past 24 hours that were so far beyond my imagination it just blew my mind. Didn't surprise Him though - He had them there ready for the exact moment they were needed.

It's funny how many times we have to learn the same lessons over and over - and sometimes out of the blue, when we least expect it. But I wouldn't trade the learning experience for anything - because it was another moment of me growing closer to my Father and learning to trust even more. The feeling of being safely tucked inside the shelter of His arms is totally worth it.

So what's worrying you today? What do you need to let go of and trust Him for? Don't worry so much. He's got this. Remember?

God is ready to move on Staten Island but the church is standing in His way.

Yes - I just said that. And I'll say it again. GOD IS READY TO MOVE ON STATEN ISLAND, BUT THE CHURCH IS STANDING IN HIS WAY.


Before you church leaders get all up in arms about that statement, let me explain.


Conversation #1 -
Youth speaker - "Do you go to a church here on the island?"
Teen girl - (laughing) "Yeah, right. Like any church wants to see someone like ME walk through their door."
Youth speaker - "Have you tried it?"
Teen girl - "Once. Went with my girlfriend. They told us to take our lesbian selves back out the door and keep that disgusting behavior out of their building."
Youth speaker - "What behavior?"
Teen girl - "Dunno. Wasn't like we were holding hands or kissing or anything. We just walked in together. Kid from our school introduced us as (name) and her girlfriend (name) and the guy went nuts."
Youth speaker - "Did you stay or leave?"
Teen girl - "We left. It was obvious we weren't good enough for them. Why stay where we aren't wanted?"
Youth speaker - "Did you ever try going to a different church?"
Teen girl - "Nope. They're all the same. All these goodie-goodie Christians and their perfectionism. No room for people like me."


Conversation #2 -
Pastor - "Our youth group is up and moving. We love to see them making a difference out there."
Youth Speaker - "What was the last mission project your kids did?"
Pastor - "Oh, they don't do missions."
Youth Speaker - "OK. What was the last ministry they led?"
Pastor - "Oh, they don't lead ministry. We minister to them. They don't minister to anyone."
Youth Speaker - "So how are they reaching their lost friends and classmates? How exactly are they out there making a difference?"
(Pastor stares in silence looking puzzled and ashamed)


Conversation #3 -
Youth Speaker - "There is a conference that is making a huge impact on teens taking place in (state). What would you say about bringing something like that here to Staten Island?"
Youth Minister - "That sounds awesome. But impossible."
Youth Speaker - "Why?"
Youth Minister - "Our church won't spend money, especially on the children or youth. We couldn't host an event like that."
Youth Speaker - "What if the costs were completely covered?"
Youth Minister - "We wouldn't be allowed to host it. They make us stay in the multipurpose room in the basement. We can't let the youth use the church other than that."
Youth Speaker - "So we'll let the band play in multipurpose room in the basement. They won't mind."
Youth Minister - "No. The church won't let our youth have something like that in the building."
Youth Speaker - "What if the event was held somewhere else here on the island?"
Youth Minister - "No one would come. At least not from here. It's all we can do to get them here to our church."
Youth Speaker - "When is the last time you tried to take the youth to an event outside of the church?"
Youth Minister - "Never."
Youth Speaker - "Would you be willing to try?"
Youth Minister - "There's no use. Our youth wouldn't go. They wouldn't care. They would have every excuse."
Youth Speaker - "But would you be willing to try?"
Youth Minister - "What's the point? If we can't reach them on Sundays how can we get them to do something any other day?"
Youth Speaker - "Will you try?"
Youth Minister - "No. It's too much of a hassle."


Conversation #4 -
Youth Speaker - "What church do you go to?"
12 year old girl - "Oh, we don't go to church. We don't need fairy tales like Jesus to help us. We do fine on our own. As you can see. (points to house around her)
Youth Speaker - "Do you ever wonder if Jesus is more than a fairy tale?"
12 year old girl - "What do you mean? Dad said Jesus is like Santa - just something that little kids believe in until they are old enough to know better."
Youth Speaker - "What if I told you that Jesus is very real and I talk to Him every day?"
12 year old girl - "I'd say you were weird. Jesus is just a myth. Everyone knows that."


Conversation #5 -
Teacher (public school) - "What is truth?"
Various students in class - "Something that's real." "Something you know is right." "Something that is always the same." "Whatever is right." "That depends on the person."
Teacher - "How do you know if something is true?"
Student replies - "Someone proves it."
Teacher - "Where do you go to learn the truth - or to prove it?"
Students - "Friends." "School." "Family." "Books." "You try it."
Teacher - "What if it's not a truth and you try it?"
Student replies - "Who cares? Everyone has to find out for themselves anyway. It's not like there is one right truth that is for everyone."
Teacher - "How do you know?"
(No answers from the class)
Teacher - "What if someone told you there was one truth, one right way and one absolute in life - and they were able to show you examples from a book that proved their point?"
Student replies - "They'd be full of (explicit). That's like church stuff. No one can prove it. There isn't just one right way of anything. We all decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong."
Teacher - "What if your right isn't the same as my right?"
Student replies - "It's called tolerance. Isn't that what they teach us? We agree to disagree and move on. Or we fight it out if people keep hounding us 'bout it."
Teacher - "If one person says it's right, but everyone else around them says it's wrong, who's right?"
Students - "The ones saying it's wrong."
Teacher - "Really? What if I told you the one person was the only one with proof?"
Student replies - "He's still outnumbered. Go with the majority."
Teacher - "If the majority says that killing someone is right, but one person says it's wrong, do you still go with the majority?"
(silence)
Teacher - "If the majority says that stealing is ok, but one person says it's wrong, is the majority right? Or the one?"
(silence)
Finally one student speaks up and says - "Doesn't it depend on the situation and the person?"




These are just five of the hundreds of conversations that have taken place over the past eight months. Hundreds of teens and those who work with them who can't define truth, who don't know right from wrong, who don't care or have the time to care, and who can't say what church is for. Church leaders and youth who pass judgment on the lost but don't reach out to show them the truth. Parents who give up on their kids and ignore the problems, turning a blind eye and deaf ear to the cries for help.


In the past eight months alone I've had eleven speakers, bands, musicians, and event coordinators ask me if I can help them bring their event to a church here on Staten Island. Not one has been successful. Not one church has said yes. Not one church has opened their door. Not once has a single church leader been willing to try. People want to reach our youth. The church isn't letting them help.


Let's take it a step further.


In one town, a 15 year old rallies her classmates to stand up against bullying and helps her school develop a zero-tolerance policy against it.


On Staten Island, one 15 year old is bullied to the point that she chooses to jump in front of a bus to kill herself because no one took the time to hear her pleas for help. Another 15 year old has round-the-clock police protection and has to be homeschooled because of death threats made by bullying classmates. A school principal says "that's not my problem." A parent says "I had no idea." A teacher says "I'm not allowed to get involved." A youth leader says "I can't do or say anything about what happens at school." A pastor says "she never asked me for help." A police officer says "We are limited as to what we can do. We can't protect every kid who says they are being bullied."


In one town, a 15 year old boy organizes his youth group to deliver meals and clothing to the homeless people in his neighborhood, and helps develop a back-to-work program through his church so the homeless people will have an income and shelter to get through the winter.


On Staten Island, a group of teenagers goes out tormenting and torturing local homeless people, taking their meager possessions and torching them, beating the homeless and leaving them helpless on the street, and videotaping it as a mockery to put online.


In one town, a 15 year old girl and her mother go to the children's hospital once a week to read books and play games with the kids on the cancer ward.


On Staten Island, one 15 year old throws her newborn baby in a dumpster while another beats her one-year-old to death.


In one town, a 16 year old boy refuses to drive his girlfriend home because he doesn't want to risk temptation.


On Staten Island, a 16 year old boy is trying to figure out which girl will be his next tally mark.


In one town, a 15 year old asks a store owner if they can carry some less revealing clothing that is still fashionable.


On Staten Island, a 15 year old just busted for prostitution asks "why is it so wrong for me to sell my body to make money to go to college and get out of this dump? It's my body!"


Where are we going wrong? Why are the youth of Staten Island making the news for all the wrong reasons? Why are they out there hurting, bullying, and killing others? Why aren't they showing any remorse for their negative behavior?


Those 15 year olds from other towns that were used as examples - they are all active in their church youth groups, have parents who spend time with them and communicate with them, and have other adult role models in their lives teaching them right from wrong. Here on Staten Island, you are more likely to find a group of moms out partying together and caught up in the latest TV drama instead of home spending time with their kids and teens. Here on Staten Island you are more likely to find dads who are out there working mulitple jobs to make ends meet and who couldn't tell you the birthdays of their kids, much less what they've done that day.


When will it end?


When the adults of Staten Island take a stand FOR their children and youth. When teachers start giving praise and encouragement and stop allowing bullying in their classrooms. When principals set zero-tolerance policies and work to show the students they actually care about them as individuals. When youth ministers and church leaders stop coming up with excuses and start getting out there in the neighborhoods showing kids they care. When Christian adults stop hiding in their costly, elaborate church buildings and homes, and start investing time in the lives of the kids they come in contact with. When our kids and teens see that there are places of refuge they can go to find the Truth, get encouragement, find help when they need it and where they can be themselves. 


If you are an adult on Staten Island who has any contact whatsoever with kids and/or teens, you have a choice to make. You can get on board with reaching out, changing things, and making a difference, or you can kindly get out of the way so the rest of us can.


If you are a church leader or youth minister, you too have a choice to make. You can stay hidden away in your buildings praying for kids to come to you, or you can get out there and reach the kids where they are, and stop blocking attempts by others to reach the youth of Staten Island. I don't care what denomination you are, what your church's budget is, what degree or background you have, or if you are ordained or not - if you are tired of seeing our youth die tragically because they have lost all hope and the knowledge of right and wrong, NOW is the time to take action. How many more teens do we have to lose before you accept your God-given responsibility to reach out to the ones who are left here? Get out of your church office and out there on the streets. Talk to these teens. Find out what they want, what they need, where they are, and how to best help them. They want to talk. I have yet to find a teen here on Staten Island who doesn't want to answer my questions or tell me about their life. Not one teen in the past eight months has refused to speak to me - on the trains, in the stores, walking down the street, at the bus stop, in the parks or on my block. They are willing to talk, ask questions and hear what you have to say. Are you willing to meet them on their turf?


God is ready to move here on Staten Island.

Church, either get with the program, or get out of His way.