Exhausted bundle of excited energy

So I am absolutely trembling with excitement and I have been all day. I am SO READY to get on the plane and go to Tahoe. I am exhausted beyond any tired I've ever felt - both emotionally and physically. I feel like I've run out of time to get everything done that needs to get done before I leave. But I'm also on such an adrenaline high that's making rest impossible. I am in constant motion and my mind is going 90 miles an hour.

Last night I was able to escape for a couple of hours with friends to go to a concert. It was a special night and Kari Jobe is just a phenomenal worship leader. Thoughts of Tahoe kept tumbling through my mind as we sang out the lyrics to each song. One of the songs knocked me to my knees and had tears streaming down my face. I've heard and sung the song a million times - but this is the first time I put it into the context of my running and my medical stuff. It didn't help that I was standing beside the mother of a young girl who is dealing with a huge medical trauma that sent their family spiraling into a crazy unknown new normal. On my other side was a young girl who has had her own share of medical issues in the past several months. The tears quickly turned into a huge smile and breath of fresh air in the form of relief though.

The lyrics:

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

(Kari Jobe - I am not Alone)

The words took on new meaning. When I'm standing at the starting line, when I'm climbing that big incline, when I'm running down the side of the mountain, when I'm pushing through the valley, when I'm hurting and struggling or even in pain, when I'm laughing and joking with my friends and teammates, when I'm comforting or encouraging fellow runners - He's going to be there - every single step of the way. Not only that, He has already been there through miles 4, 7 and 10 - and every other mile on the way. He has gone before me through the entire race. He knows what's coming. He's been there and prepared the way for me. He's already crossed the finish line. I don't know where it will lead or how it will end - but I know the victory is already His as long as I trust Him and follow the path He has prepared for me. I'm not going to be alone for a single moment of the race. I will not fear. He won't leave me. 

Beyond the race - when I've dealt with the deep waters of uncertainty, when I've been standing in the fire of trials and tribulations, when I've been through the valleys of shadows of medical nightmares, when I've sobbed through grief over lost friends and coworkers and wondered when it would hit our house, when I've been awake in the dark of night and fighting the storms - He has been there, He has been shining His light to lead me on, He has fought every battle, He has held me, He has given me strength, He has defended me - He has been ever faithful. 

In every moment of my life - with every breath I have taken since I called on His name - He has been there and held on tight. When I thought "Why, Lord? Why me? I'm so not worthy of this. Why would you do this?," I clearly heard, "Because you are mine and I love you." That truth reached deep inside and rekindled a fire that ignited my entire spirit. The timing of this was perfect. I felt a new freedom going into this race weekend. A new peace about it. I'm still bouncing off the walls with excitement, but now it's more of an eager anticipation to see what God has in store for me and for my teammates and 

friends during this awesome weekend. What's even more amazing is that God knew I needed this exact moment to prepare my heart for Tahoe. I've been preparing my body and my mind for months, but I'd neglected the heart. 

I am beyond thankful for the reminder that this weekend is about so much more than going and running 13 miles. It's not about me. It's not about the race. It's not about the medal. It's not about the fun. It's about having the opportunity to be a light to a dark and hurting world, reflecting the light of a Savior who loves us beyond anything we can imagine, even when we feel unworthy, even when we've made mistakes, even when we stray. He loves us. He is there for us. We are never alone. He fights our battles for us. He goes before us and beside us. We have a hope that exceeds any imaginable hope. We have this amazing love surrounding us, every single moment of every single day. What joy and freedom that brings!