Just Haven't Seen it Yet

Race Day Journal

7:30 AM

I'm not sure how I went from "That's it, I'm not going to run. It's not worth it," at 3 AM to the starting line laughing with my teammate and Daniel, but here I am. I honestly feel so nauseous and nervous, but we did a warm-up, I'm standing here, and they are counting down to the canon blast to start the race (yeah - we use a canon not a gun in Roanoke - don't ask). Not quite too late to turn back now - but if I'm here, I'm at least going to start. I can always bail at mile 1. Or 2. Or at the turn.

John Carlin's voice keeps coming through the speakers and it's strangely comforting. I heard his voice all throughout my childhood and into adulthood. He was a runner, a really nice guy, and just so stinking calm - all of the time. I'm glad he's here, and glad he's the guy with the microphone.

That anthem, though. Wow. Um.

Moving on.

Oh gosh. 2 minutes. I'm going to puke. What am I doing?

One last pre-race photo. That's what.

7:35 AM
BOOM

That canon blast is something else. Running through the smoke afterwards is an experience too.

But HERE
WE
GOOOOOOOOOO

I spent the first 10 minutes telling Daniel to slow down a bit, and making sure people didn't knock him over. Surprisingly, this year there were some rude people literally pushing people aside, passing them on the sidewalk side with less than an inch between them and the sidewalk, or tripping people as they cut drastically in and out of runners. It was insane. I have never seen such behavior at a Roanoke race and it was not appealing at all. Don't be one of those people. The ones hugging the sidewalk are trying to give you room to run down the middle of the road however fast you want to go. No need to EVER physically lay your hands on anyone or tell anyone to move, like someone did to my teammate. You're faster - so go around. Don't be obnoxious. We started where we were told to start and stayed to the side as requested. Did you follow directions? If you had, you shouldn't have been directly behind us moving that fast. The faster runners were supposed to be front and center. Maybe you underestimated yourself? But anyway...

One of the times I said "Slow down," Daniel replied with, "I've never run so slow in my life." I started to explain he'd be glad he did in about 20 minutes, but I figured he'd figure it out himself in less time than that. He asked if we were in last place, because there were so many people in front of us. I told him, "turn around and look." He looked back and got a shocked look on his face. There were three times as many people behind us as in front of us. He's never run a race this big. That was fun to see.

The uphill start quickly turned downhill (and easy), and we turned towards the Walnut Avenue bridge.

This is one of my favorite parts of this race. You can see runners heading up the first hill, you can see the star where you'll be in 30-50 minutes, and it's a sea of people conquering the toughest road race in America, together, as a huge blob. I should have taken a picture, but I was too focused. These don't give the full vantage point and don't come close to sharing the awesomeness of it, but they're all I've got.

(photos from 2017 courtesy of Blue Ridge Marathon)

(picture from Lori K of group going up Walnut Ave)

We started up the first hill. We made it! But Daniel started saying "my calves!!" We made it a little further and he was ready to walk. So I picked a sign and told him to run to it and we'd walk a minute.

We passed mile 1 - 12:08. Slower than I probably would have gone on my own, faster than my coach probably wanted to see, but good. We'll go with it.

By the way, band at mile 1 and 5 - AWESOME. Loved it.

Up the next incline. Three steps in Daniel was complaining. I said pick something up there somewhere. He chose a sign. I said run to it and we'll walk again.

We did this most of mile 1-2.

We saw the mile 2 sign. I let out a loud cheer. Others echoed. I knew in that instant I was going to finish this race. It just clicked. I didn't care how long it took me. I just knew right then, in that moment, that it IS possible. That's a pretty awesome feeling, especially when 5 hours ago you were determined you were not going to be able to run at all.

There's a long stretch from 2-3 that is pretty even and not a steep incline. I tried so hard to get Daniel to run it, but he was complaining about his calves hurting. So, we took it really easy. I knew the worst was yet to come. Sure enough, that tough part at 2.5 hit. That stunk. That hill hurts. Buns. Of. STEEL. Just saying.

As Daniel got further into the race he picked it up a little. He commented on how he was holding me back and that I could totally beat him up this mountain. I explained I didn't care and I'd rather go up it with him than try to run faster, plus, I was supposed to be taking it easy going up and using walk breaks. I was really enjoying this time with him, watching him face his biggest challenge yet, and coaching him through it. Plus, the perk was, the more I focused on coaching him through it, the easier it became for me and the less I thought about myself. I just enjoyed the run.

Other runners who were alternating between running and walking to conquer the mountain would start conversations with us. Most, finding out it was Daniel's first 10K, would comment on how well he was doing, and how insane it was that he chose this race as his first 10K!!

I spotted the bus and got really excited. We made it to the turn!!!

"All of the fully insane, crazy people stay straight. Everyone else - turn right!!!"

This always gets lots of laughs.

Some guy tried to tell me we were 0.7 away from the turn. I pointed and said, "It's right there." Then he got really excited. I then explained we were 0.7 from the top. He took off. We passed him less than 2 minutes later.

That last climb, from the turn to the top of the mountain, is extremely steep and long. It's by far the hardest part of the 10K. There was a sign there that said, "Run your race in such a way that you may seize the prize and make it yours." I was half-convinced my coach put it there, and I had to stop and take a quick picture.

Then, we started up the horrible climb. We ran about 20 seconds and walked. Then did 15 seconds running. Then walked. Then hit 30 seconds running. Then walked. The entire way up.

We saw mile 3. Pure adrenaline rush. We are almost halfway!!! Mile 3 - 16:26. Yeah - it stunk. It was hard. But we did it!

Then, I saw the volunteer at the top directing runners onto the trail, and pointed him out to Daniel. I said, "we walk to him, then we GO." He asked if that was the start of the trail around the top, and I said yes, and reminded him to be careful on the mud, roots and rocks, since they'd be slick. We hit the trail and he took off. I said, "Are you leaving me?!" I heard, "I don't know," and then he disappeared. He jetted down the mountain. I was okay with that, and just yelled, "be careful!"

I came to the last little incline up to the star and there were so many people there. I quickly grabbed an orange slice and a water, had the orange in my mouth, and then saw the photographer. Horrible placement photo people!!!!!!! Fix that next year. Really. Please. Just a little bit down the path to your left, you could have had amazing shots with star behind runners. Bad angle as it was, I shifted things, smiled (I'm sure with orange pulp stuck in my teeth) and moved on. Threw away the rind and cup, and took off. I began passing so many  people. That's a weird thing for me, because it rarely happens. I was flying. And it felt wonderful. (found out later I moved up 15 places in my age group alone from the 2.7 mark to the finish line - that astounded me) 

I reminded myself that I needed to tighten my skirt before we had a wardrobe malfunction. So on one of the watch beeps for a walk interval, I decided to take that minute and actually walk, fix the skirt, catch a few deep breaths, and get ready to run as far as I could from that point. I was ready by the end of the minute and took off again, as carefully as I could at that speed due the potholes, uneven asphalt, debris on the road and wetness. I let myself lean into the momentum and just go - but I also tried to hold back just a tad out of caution.

Mile 4 - FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!! Already?! 13:25. You know what that means. Mimosa signs start appearing.

I ran. And ran. And enjoyed every second of feeling like I was flying down the mountain. I saw a man slow in front of me and then stop. He was hurting. I yelled, "You've got this. Keep going!" He picked back up. Just in time for the mimosas at the Brown house.

I saw the crowd, waved at the people handing out the drinks and kept going. I was in a groove and didn't want to stop. I'm pretty sure I moved up about 50 places overall there. SO many were just stopped, hanging out and drinking together. Mid-race party?

I kept flying down the hill and before I knew it, I saw mile 5 and the turn. Mile 5 - 9:28!!!! Score!!! Third fastest mile ever. I'll take that.

I grabbed one last water, only took a quick sip, threw the cup, and kept going.

I started the downhill and spotted Daniel up ahead, starting onto the bridge. Thankful again for the awesome musicians set up there - they were great.

Kept running. I felt wonderful.

I made it to the bridge. It dawned on me. I have done this. I did it. I am going to finish. I'm making good time. I'm on track to get there around that 1:20 mark. I feel fantastic. I did it. I'm really back!!!

I got to the bridge, ran about 1/3 of the way up and took a walk break. I knew a big uphill was coming before the last little downhill finish.

I started feeling the nerve pain creeping into my feet. Then instant numbness. I looked at my watch. I still had 10 minutes to get there and not hate my finish time. I'd be okay. I walked a little more. I could not feel my legs. I started to think about what the doctor said, looked at my watch again, and saw I had just 0.7 to go. I decided to run to a light, walk again to the top of the incline, and then book it, knowing I still had plenty of time and was well within reach of my goal time.

I made it to the light. Began walking. Could not feel anything below my waist. Could not feel my feet touching the pavement. That was supposed to be an instant stop running from the doctor. But I was so close. Sorry, Doc. I focused on keeping my feet under me and moving. A police officer asked me if I was okay. I promised him I wasn't drinking, just couldn't feel my legs. He laughed and said, "why not? Everyone else is?!" I laughed, thankful for the distraction and humor, and kept moving. I got to the top of the incline and the officer there shouted to me as I began running again, "Get it girl! You're there now!! Go!" I pushed.

I saw the brick entry to the finish chute. I turned and heard the announcer saying "Welcome Kristi Casey from Knoxville, TN to the finish line. She is running for team CareRunners and is running in honor of the thousands of 9/11 responders who are sick and dying from 9/11 related illnesses." I thought, "cool -they read the whole thing. Glad no one is finishing at same time as me. Oh crud, everyone's looking at ME then!" I heard some people start cheering and screaming. I still could not feel anything below my waist, and was hoping not to trip, hoped my wardrobe wasn't malfunctioning anywhere, and just decided to smile and go. I saw the clock and said to myself "Oh my gosh!!! HOW?!" That made my smile bigger. My coach and I had said 1 hour and 20 minutes was a good goal, based on the recent Achilles issue, nerve stuff, and where I was in training. My time when I crossed the line was 1:20:17. I could not have nailed it any closer. I was right on target. (Did not realize I had my own chaser bike on my tail.) 

I kept smiling, tried to stop without falling, and Daniel was there to give me a high five. He said, "good job Mom" and I replied with "I can't feel my legs!" I stopped, stood there, got my medal and a cupcake (yes!!!), and told Amanda "I can't feel my legs." I could barely stand. My legs were shot. I couldn't feel myself walking.

Daniel and I were asked for a finish line photo with our medals, took the picture, were handed a water, and then walked to the photo booth. We waited in line and devoured our cupcakes (which were amazing). I sent a text to my coach and got a message from Lori, so chatted with her a bit.

Daniel and I got our photos and I still could not walk or feel anything. We went to get food, piled our plates high, grabbed drinks, and went up to the VIP balcony. Walking up there, especially up the stairs, was an interesting feat.

We got to the balcony and Daniel immediately sat down. I told him he was going to regret that. He didn't care. He was wiped out. I stood and ate. Took the shoes off. Ate more. Drank water. Ate more. Kept texting. Patrick joined us. He sat down and said, "I'm so sore." Daniel almost went across the table to choke him as I said, "Don't you even say that - take your little volunteer shirt and go get these runners another drink." Daniel was mouthing off worse than that. Patrick's lucky to still be able to walk and talk. Note to others - if you did not run a race - do not stand next to people who just finished running up a mountain and say that anything hurts or is sore. Just don't do it.

Eventually I decided to go walk to the car and get my duffel bag so I could change into something more comfortable. Daniel decided to walk with me and get his phone. We stopped on the way back to get more food for him, and another chocolate milk for me. Back up the stairs we went. Ugh.

Lori had finished and was at our table. We celebrated a bit and then I took my shoes off, put on my flip flops, and went inside to change.

When I came back out, I finally sat down. I then decided to tell my coach that I was ready to go run it again. He replied with "Um. Go eat some more." I cracked up. He probably had a good point. My brain functioning was not at its best at this point. But I was starting to have feeling in my legs again.

I tried to eat a little more but then felt nauseous. I could feel the energy just being zapped completely out of my body. I was tired.

We made plans to get together at 3:00 and go to an early dinner so Lori could get back for the concert and the boys and I could possibly leave for home when we dropped her off at the park.

When we got to Dad's, I immediately took a shower, then wrapped both legs with huge ice packs. I sat down on the bed and organized and packed my stuff. I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I uploaded pictures. Could barely stay awake at this point. We decided to leave then for dinner, because if we waited 20 more minutes, I'd be sound asleep.

We met Lori at the parking garage near the park and then headed over to El Rodeo. The restaurant had obviously changed ownership and did not live up to the standard we'd come to expect after 20+ years of going there. But, we had a good dinner, good conversation, and some down time.

We dropped Lori and Amanda back off at the garage and headed back to Dad's. On the drive back, I thought about the lyrics to the song "Just Haven't Seen it Yet." I smiled and thought, "but I'm starting to see the rays of light from that sunrise." I thought about the day and asked myself if I would change anything about how it went, or any decision I made. The answer was no. I was perfectly happy and content with the way things went and had absolutely no regrets. It was a great race day. That feels good to say.

At this point, there is no way I'm driving 4 hours to Knoxville tonight, so we are just vegging out and hanging out with Dad and Nellie. I don't know how long I'll be able to stay awake at this point, but it's so nice to just stand (not sitting or I'd be asleep) and talk.

I'm sure I left out some details and will remember other things to add later, but for now, this is my race recap. More pictures are sure to come and I'll post more tomorrow.



Daniel's finish photos:

Disaster in the Making?

We drove up the race route after dinner. When we got to the top of Mill Mountain we parked, got out, and walked around. Daniel jogged a little of the path around the top. The rest of us took a nice stroll, stopping for photos and just making conversation. Walking up the path back to the car, I felt some cramping in my calf and some nerve pain on the outsides of my ankles.

We took Lori back to her hotel, drove to my Dad’s, said goodnight to Amanda, and retreated to our rooms.

8:30 PM - I was ready to call it. Text to coach.

9:00 PM - In tears, torn between what’s safe, what keeps me running, what’s just irrational fear, and what is just emotion taking over. By this time, both of the twin coaches were trying to get me refocused, but I could not shake the nagging feeling that I really should not be doing this race tomorrow. Deciding not to run is agonizing for me. This time is especially difficult because it doesn’t just impact me. Daniel is looking forward to this attempt at the toughest road race in America. I get it, and I want to do it too (again), but right now I’m questioning the sanity of this attempt.

10:15 PM - Calmer. Knew I was going to at least show up for the race. Decided to get sleep and hope things look and feel better in the morning.

1:19 AM - Jolted awake by searing nerve pain throughout my lower body. By 1:40 AM everything from my waist down was on fire. By 2:00 it had traveled throughout my entire body. I had to get out of bed and move around. Then the numbness began in the typical places - face, tops of forearms, various spots along legs.

2:45 AM - The pain is easing, but now the tingling around my scalp tells me a migraine is not far away. I have now had just 3 hours of sleep, there are signs that the nerve pain and numbness will be at their highest levels of intensity again today, and I’m back to wondering if I should even attempt to run.

As a runner, pre-race anxiety is nothing new. As someone who has dealt with this crazy autoimmune neurological stuff for seven years, nothing I’m experiencing with the pain is new or different. But reconciling the two and figuring out if I can (or should) run through this is daunting.

Now that the worst of the pain has eased and there’s more numbness than pain, I’m going to attempt to get another hour to hour-and-a-half of sleep. I really hope the next blog update is a lot more cheerful and fun.

Least Expected Change of Plans

This morning was one of the most painful I've had in a long time. Every nerve in my body feels like it's on fire. I was barely able to stand, much less walk, when I got up. I had a fitful night of sleep and was awake every hour. It's been a while since I've felt this bad.

Every shooting pain reminds me of why I started on this journey again. Why I decided to run again, despite the odds. Why I decided to go full in and put the Anthem 10K and the Rock Tahoe Half on my race calendar. The fact that I can feel the pain means I am still here and still moving and able to try. The more I move the easier the pain gets. So no matter how much it hurts this morning, I know by mid-day or afternoon I'll be moving better and with less pain, so I keep moving. 

My sons and I have been enjoying the fact that they have the same free 30 minutes every morning when they get to school as I do, and we've been texting quite regularly every morning about random things. This morning the discussion was what to pack for this weekend in Roanoke, as both boys have decided to go with me. 

Daniel then started his own conversation with me. He asked if he'd be running a 5K this weekend. I explained there wasn't one, but he could do the 1 mile if he wanted. He asked what I was doing. I told him 10K. He asked if he could do it with me. I explained that it is a very difficult run, the first 3.5 is up a mountain, the second 2.5 is down a mountain, and that he could not sprint this or try to win this. He expressed his understanding of all of this but said he still wanted to do the race with me.

So, it looks like I'll have a running partner for the 10K. Not one I ever dreamed of having - but SO excited about it.

How Did We Get Here?!

I cannot believe there's only two more days and then race day!!!

How on earth did we get here so fast?! These past four months have flown by, though at times they definitely seemed to be creeping by. Slowly. Really slow on some days (miles).

So where am I medically and physically going into this race?

Not where I wanted to be. But so much further than I was four months ago.

The past few days have been very painful. The nerves are not liking the current heat wave. Yesterday's run was excruciatingly painful, and had to be cut short. Tonight's run hurt a lot - but it was more manageable than yesterday. Right now I want to go sit in a bathtub full of ice to numb it all.

I had an MRI  yesterday. Achilles seems to have healed. Doctors are pretty sure it's all nerve stuff from the autoimmune neurological mess again.

Medically I am still getting a green light and told to enjoy the race. I go for three more follow-ups with three different doctors/specialists next week when I get back. No end to that fun in sight.

I've noticed a huge difference in my running and level of pain based on the weather. It's been enlightening and frustrating at the same time.

Despite the pain, I'm ready to run. I've had a bunch of ups and downs emotionally in the past couple of weeks, as notification after notification of more responders dying from 9/11 have come through, and as I was contacted regarding the lack of WTC care in TN. I am so incredibly thankful for the people like John Feal who are out there fighting for us. I honestly could not fight on my own. It's all I can do to get through the constant medical exams and treatments, get up each day and get everyone up and out the door on time, go to work and do the best I can to do my job, come home and take care of my family, house, yard and daily life, and squeeze run training in on top of it. Running has become my therapy again. Some days it hurts like crazy - but it still helps with the emotional healing. Some days it is wonderful - and those highs get me through a lot of the darker days. I have this insane group of people, including my coach and one of my best friends, who have kept me laughing through it all the past week, and I've noticed how much better my attitude has been because of it. I'm so grateful for them and their friendship.

So, physically, I think (and am almost certain) I can survive the 10K up and down Mill Mountain - but I don't think it's going to be easy or as fun as I'd hoped this year would be. Emotionally - I'm ready and thankful I can run.

Now... as far as packing, knowing what I'm wearing on race day or being ready to actually drive four hours to Roanoke and get through race weekend.... I've got some work to do. Guess I should go get started.

Water Recovery

I love the pool. I love swimming. I love water.

I was feeling a lot of aches and soreness from yesterday's run. My back, my legs, my abs, my arms (?!) and my whole body hurt. But by noon, all I wanted to do was go to the pool and relax.

I grabbed my pool bag, got my girls ready, and the three of us headed to the gym. The indoor pool was almost completely empty. Yay. I knew the outside pool was open, but it was a little cold, and I wanted the comfort of the indoor heated pool. I let the girls go do their thing and started swimming some easy laps. Within the first few laps I felt the muscles relaxing and my mind calming.

With every stroke, I relaxed more and felt the anxiety, stress, doubts, fears, worries, and frustration leave my mind. I also felt the muscles as they effortlessly propelled my body in the familiar motions through the water.

There is some powerful healing that comes from water. It has always been a soother of my soul. I don't know why I don't spend more time at the pool or at the lake.

Oh - that's right. It's because my time is already so limited that it is nearly impossible to squeeze in time to go be in or on the water. But - summer's coming. I will definitely have to work on the water time this summer.

38 minutes and 1400 yards later, I was wiped out. But in a good way. I got out, dried off, called for my girls to get out of the pool, and spent a few minutes talking to a couple of the swim coaches. By the time I got home, I felt like a new person. A very tired person, but so much more "chill."

We spent a lazy evening as I got things together for the week of work & school, figured out lesson plans for an upcoming unannounced observation, and got the boys birthday banners hung.

I'd almost completely relaxed when everything came crashing down around me. I just took a deep breath, sighed and acknowledged that I should really enjoy those fleeting hours when they come, because they never last.

As exhausted as I was, the sudden upheaval had me wanting an outlet. I couldn't run. Shouldn't do the elliptical. But I could do something. So I worked on my arms until the point of exhaustion again. By the time I was done, and had vented to my best friend, I was ready for bed. I couldn't fix the problem tonight and was determined to forget about it. So, I got in bed and watched my fave show.

I drifted off fairly easy. But, here I am, 12:30 AM, and I'm wide awake. I'm not in the mood for continued discussion with friends, am too irritable to focus on a book or anything, and don't want to wake anyone else up. So - I decided on my next favorite go-to activity -- writing.

Now that I've poured it all out on "paper" - I'm going to try to sleep again. Of all weeks, this is not the one that needs to have disrupted sleep or crazy chaos going on. But - again - there's nothing I can do about it tonight - so off to bed again I go.

Ugh. Hills. Double ugh.

That was brutal.

That was insanely hard, frustrating and defeating.

Those hills were horrible.

But I made it 3.5 miles. Some of it was walking. Mostly walking uphill. But it was still 3.5 miles.

I managed to start off relatively slower, and my lungs were fine with the easy pace, but my legs were heavy and tired. I even managed to run most of the way up the very long hill 1. But my lungs were ON FIRE by the time I got to the top and it took forever to recover. By the time I got to the start of hill 2, I wanted to quit. My goal changed to just surviving 3 miles. I decided to walk up part of the hill. It still took forever to recover. Hill 3 almost did me in. By the time I got to the top of the street and turned to go downhill, I was exhausted. I knew I still had to make it home though. I decided to get through the downhill portion and let myself walk again when I got to the street in my neighborhood. Once I got there, walked a minute, and started running again, I felt somewhat better. I ran a tiny bit up the last hill and instead of turning towards home, felt like I could go ahead and run a little more. So my 3.0 turned into 3.5. I felt much better at the end of the run than I did on the hills, but it was still very difficult, and definitely didn't feel great.

I cannot stop wondering what's going to happen next Saturday. These hills were 1/10 of what I'm going to be doing going up Mill Mountain. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine, and I'll be ready, and I'll do great, but I can't get my own brain to wrap around those thoughts. All I see is the giant struggle trying to do little hills here and struggling to get through 3.5 miles.

Tomorrow's another rest day, but I can swim if I want. I'll be lucky if I can move or walk tomorrow. I'm definitely going to feel this run.

3.5 miles; 44:20; lots of uphill; 12:43 pace
11:51, 13:11, 12:22, 6:35

Breakthrough or Breaking?

All day long I fought a sinus headache, nerve pain, fatigue and some irritability. I thought I was supposed to feel better after a rest day. Nonetheless, I headed out for a 2 mile run. I thought I was holding back and wasn't going too fast, and actually felt like I was going in slow motion, but my lungs protested and begged to differ. My legs felt great. But my lungs burned the entire time. I knew at the end of the 2 miles, there was no way I could have held that pace another minute, much less another mile. I knew I needed to figure out how to slow down and hold back. I have no idea how I'm going to make it 3 miles tomorrow, much less 6 miles next Saturday, if I can't figure out how to pace myself.

I ended up going 2.07 in 22:13, with a 10:43 average pace.

My coach's reaction was about what I expected. We came up with a plan for me to add some hills tomorrow to slow me down and mimic next week's race a little more closely. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive 3 miles, especially with hills, but I guess we'll see.

The good news is - I felt much better after my run than I did before it!

Better Together

Group Run has grown on me. I've found that even when I can't keep up or have to stop earlier than the others, I still enjoy that time with other runners. Tonight I only did 2 miles as promised, and it was tough to get through those two. My lungs are still trying to catch up with my legs. But, I kept a good pace near 11 min/mile and got through the entire 2 running. Progress.

Gradual increase

Today's goal - hold back and run slower than yesterday - but go a further distance.

Check.

1.52 miles in 16:50; 11:07 pace

I'm okay with that.

Especially because I was able to run the entire 1.5 without a walk break (though it was a lot more difficult than yesterday), and there was no pain or numbness.

I'm not where I was or where I want to be with the race 11 days away - but all things considered - I'm good. I'm just happy to be able to run again.

Tomorrow I attempt to go back to the group run - but I've already promised to not try to keep up with the fast kids and do my own 2 miles. Then - Thursday - I don't think I'm going to complain that it says "rest day" on my schedule.

GREEN LIGHT!!!

My morning started off as crazy as it possibly could have. It was insane. My ortho appointment got moved from 3:30 PM to 10:30 AM. I had an IEP meeting at 8:30 that I knew was going to take a while. I needed to catch my coach up on the sudden battery of tests and things my doctor was doing, I needed to catch up with my co-teachers. But all I could do was rush to my meeting, rush out the door to the doctor, blindside my coach from the waiting room (still cringing), and rush back to work and finish my work day.

So... about the doctors. The ortho decided to do the x-ray and MRI as planned. There was no structural damage to my leg or foot. No muscle issues. No bone issues. The ortho agreed with my doctor that not running for 12 days after running 4-5 days a week likely caused the nerve flare up. It’s also likely the Achilles injury inflammed some nerves and tissues. For now, they are going to wait on the nerve conduction study. They want me to get back into my running routine. They think the peroneal nerve is slightly compressed, but that once I get going again, it will decompress itself. They ruled out road impact causing any of this. They encouraged me to keep swimming, try biking, and stretch and ice as needed. But, the ortho said he wanted me to run. He also gave me some new “rules” for running. There are several more things I have to be on the lookout for, but I can, and should run. I asked a billion questions. The ortho my doc sent me to was as awesome as she is. He took his time and answered every question. He had a very calming voice and was very thorough. He has obviously dealt with a lot of athletes. He also understood the 9/11-neurotoxin exposure chaos, and knew I was not going to be a textbook case. He carefully outlined my med plan, which includes another MRI, a potential muscle reactory exam (ouch), the potential for a nerve conduction study later down the road, and possible decompression of the nerve if it doesn’t decompress itself. By the time I left I felt my doctors had this entire mess under control and I really was okay to run. But, it’s funny, doctor says okay to run, ortho says okay to run, coach says okay to run, and then I say “I don’t want to run! It’s going to hurt!” After days (weeks) of begging to hurry up and let me run. Go figure.

I relayed all of the new rules to my coach, who had no concerns about following them, and we made a tentative training plan and discussed race plans. Then I freaked out. Race day in 12 days... there’s no way I can be ready for 6.2 miles, including 3 uphill. Coach was much more confident than me.

The plan was volleyball tonight, first run tomorrow, but volleyball got canceled, so that led to... 1 mile run today.

Gulp.

I was literally trembling. I was terrified to run. What if they were wrong? What if the Achilles tears? What if the ankle hurts? What if the nerve pain and paresthesia get worse? What if I can’t run? What if I can’t go a mile? It took 3 months to get me to 4.5 miles. There’s no way I can be ready for 6.2 in 12 days. Why should I risk it?

As I fired questions at myself, I got my running clothes on. Pulled back my hair. Laced up the sneakers. Put on my watch. Walked out the door. Took a hundred deep breaths. Hit start. Began running. My watch beeped “ahead of pace.” Slowed down. Tried to hold back and settle into comfortable, slow rhythm. Focused on watching every step and regulating my breathing. Didn’t look at watch again. Felt legs burning a little. Felt lungs burning. No pain. No numbness. Kept running. Got to turn back. Debated a walk break. Neighbor at end of road was at mailbox... turned and said, “You’re looking great. Good to see you back.” I managed a smile, a thank you, and a “have a great evening “ reply. I kept running. I kept smiling. I turned back into the neighborhood. Smiled bigger. Turned on our block. Heard my kids screaming “Mom’s running!” Heard watch beep 1 mile. Looked at watch. Burst into tears. While still smiling huge like a fool. I’m so glad I went for a run. The top and side of my ankle were tender and sore, but no pain. I ran my entire first mile back!

1.01 in 10:14

What?!?!

I thought I was running cautiously. I thought I was holding back. How was I faster?!

I went inside, grabbed a water and my giant ice pack. Plugged in my watch to upload data. Text my coach even though I knew he was busy at track. Cried again.

This is what caused the second round of happy tears...

 

I can’t stop smiling.

But... I can breathe  again.

Two miles... on the elliptical

Watching others running the marathon was both exhilarating and extremely depressing. I’m so ready to run again. It was so inspiring to watch the arm cyclers and the top 10 men and top woman go by. It was also pretty awesome to see my coach in the top group. He’s definitely amazing and I’m so glad he’s my coach. 

While not my idea of fun, I’m glad I have an elliptical for days like this. But, I also can’t believe how scared I was to even attempt it. I’m glad I did though! I managed to do an easy 2 miles. I’m sure some of the drive to do it came from my short time watching the marathoners. I had pins and needles in both feet the entire 2 miles, but no pain. I don’t think I’m ready to run outside though. We’ll see what the doctors say tomorrow. 

The waiting game continues. 

One Week Later - Still No Running

Although I was able to walk around with no brace, no tape, and no pain yesterday, I’m still not able to run. Coach said I could try elliptical today and could go as long as I wanted, as long as there’s no pain. If that goes well, I can run tomorrow. But, I’m hesitant. My doctor seemed to think it was more of a nerve issue than a muscle or Achilles issue, and I’m beginning to think she was definitely right. Even after the pain stopped in the Achilles, I still had some paresthesia in the calf and shin. When I took the brace off Friday, I started having pain on the outside of my ankle and top of my foot, and random shots of pain in quad or around knee. But while there’s pain there, there’s a heavy numbness in the calf and shin area. The good news is, if it’s just the nerve stuff I’ve been dealing with, I can run with it and not worry I’m damaging anything. The bad news is, it will hurt. I’m also slightly concerned it could be a bigger nerve issue - like a nerve entrapment. So... I called and made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who can do an x-ray and MRI to give me an “OK to run” or “no don’t run” answer. After hearing about Haley’s torn Achilles, and the fear the coaches have poured into me about messing it up more, I’m scared to attempt to run without knowing. The doctor said if the x-ray and MRI don’t show anything, but the paresthesia continues, I’m looking at another nerve conduction test. Just the words are enough to make me cry. Of every medical test and procedure I’ve ever gone through- including giving birth to twins plus two more babies - the absolute worst ever was the previous three nerve conduction studies. It’s kind of funny to be hoping the x-ray and MRI actually show something so that I don’t have to face the nerve conduction study again. I’m starting to get worried about the Roanoke race, though. It’s just 13 days away and I’ve spent the past 11 not running. I’ve done a couple of miles in the pool and done an abundance of arms and abs workouts, but my legs are not going to be ready to tackle Mill Mountain at this rate. I’m content to wait for the orthopedic surgeon to make a call, though. If I miss Roanoke or have to walk Roanoke, it would be disappointing for sure, but it would not be the end of the world, and there would not be a big hit on finances. But if I start running and something’s wrong and it causes me to miss Tahoe... we’re going to have a huge problem. I don’t want to risk that. I’ve already told myself Roanoke’s probably not going to happen as an actual race for time, and maybe not happen at all, and I’ve come to grips with that. It is what it is. But I can’t get to  that state about Tahoe. I can’t. Thankfully I still have 70+ days to get back on track for Tahoe. Trying to just breathe. For the moment, I’m heading to the Knoxville Marathon to cheer on my coach.

Reigniting an Old Passion

10:30 AM

Because I needed a physical outlet this morning - I did some weights and core work. I didn't use anything that would put weight or stress on my ankle - and played it safe. But it felt good to workout.

Then - I almost jumped up in excitement - until I remembered my Achilles -  Coach said I could swim!!

Now - granted - I've been avoiding the pool since last summer. Long story. But - if I can swim - I can do a cardio workout. If I can do a cardio workout - I will be able to burn off some excess frustration and stress. Which makes me a happier person.

So - forget the whole avoiding the pool thing - I'm going swimming!!!


2:30 PM

That felt AMAZING. I'm such a water bug. I don't know why I have been putting off going back to the pool. I had to be careful not to push off the wall with my right foot and had to relax my toe point constantly - but I felt great. I felt strong and loved feeling my body zip through the water in the same old routine. I did a normal workout I used to do all the time without even having to think about it. I didn't go quite a mile - just a 1400 yd swim - but it was so worth it. Nothing will point out your less-than-ideal cardio stamina than a few laps in the pool. I remembered how well the cross-training of swimming and running worked before - I hope this actually helps keep me on track for Roanoke. I know it was a great workout.

I came home and immediately got the brace back on and tried to stay off my feet. Praying this Achilles thing heals quickly and I can get back to running soon. Until then - I guess my goggles and kickboard are going to be my buddies again.

I see you running

The only thing worse than not getting to do your long run on the weekend - is not getting to do your long run when it is absolutely beautiful running weather outside - and you see everyone else out getting their long run in. I just want to sit in a corner and cry.

I hate this. Injuries are the worst. It doesn't help that I am the all-time worst patient ever. Some habits die hard.

I had to drive Emma to a birthday party. It hurt to drive. It hurt to go up and down stairs. So now I have my Achilles taped and an ankle brace on. It's at least alleviating the pain. Thankfully it hasn't been bad enough to need to take any Aleve. That's all I need - something else to affect the liver/kidneys. It's a party of chaos in my body right now.

Speaking of which - I go to the GI specialist on Thursday to see if I can postpone gallbladder removal until summer - or whether it has to be done now. The rate this past week has gone - I'm certain they are going to say now - as in now - before Roanoke - and ruin that race goal. If they say now but after Roanoke - I don't know how I'm going to keep it together. I'm going to Tahoe. No matter what. But I want to be able to run in Tahoe - and enjoy it. It's so frustrating to have one thing after another keep hitting me in the face and knocking me down.

I've got to figure out something to do to keep me occupied - without affecting the Achilles. Otherwise I'm going to go nuts. I feel like an angry, caged bear. I don't see this ending well.

Screeching Halt

I rested the Achilles yesterday. Didn't feel any pain today. Decided to attempt a slow 3.5 mile run (and yes coach said okay to try but stop if any pain).

Achilles began aching as soon as I started running - but it wasn't pain - just achiness so I decided to try to go for at least a mile (yes - I know - I shouldn't have). I only made it to 0.7 before ache turned to pain and I had to stop running and just walk. The pain seems to be coming on the forward propel motion.

So - it looks like I'm going to have quite a few non-running days in my immediate future.

I just want to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum. Every time I accomplish something (2 miles at less than 11 pace) - the next moment I come crashing to a stop from some sort of injury or medical issue. For ONCE I wish my body would cooperate with training and race plans.

I'm not panicking yet - but Roanoke is looming and as much as I trust my coach and his assurances that we'll be ready on time - this week seems to have doom and destruction painted all over it. I know it's not the end of the world and there are bigger problems out there - but I just want to run. I'm so sick of not being allowed to.

And I'm the absolute worst at handing this - so of course I had to let my anger and frustration come tumbling out of my mouth. Unfortunately - coach was at the receiving end this time. I hate when I do that. I immediately felt horrible.

So - while I'm stuck sitting and watching from the sidelines - I guess I'll work on some overdue paperwork and lesson plans. Bleh.

Keeping up with the Big Dogs

It's Wednesday. That means group run day.

Guess who kept up with the pack today? Well - for the first 2 miles. And those first two miles were both under 11:00 pace!! I was still the tail end of the pack - but was definitely in close proximity.

And just as quickly as that pumped up enthusiasm hit... so did the Achilles. Right as we finished 2 miles I felt pain shoot up my Achilles. Same ankle. As always. <SIGH>

I stayed for the workout but certain exercises hurt. I should have just stopped. But I wanted to get at least some of the strength in - so I altered some of the exercises and substituted others.

I am SO not having a good week. I really hope this is minor and nothing and won't keep me back from being able to race in Roanoke.

FRUSTRATING

Long, Slow Run

I did the route I swore I’d never do again - complete with giant hill. I could have gone faster/run more of it but my running buddy was lagging today. Nerve pain hit at 3.6, but not too bad.

1 - 12:58
2 - 13:29 (had the huge hill)
3 - 13:26
4 - 13:23

4.02 miles; 53:34; 13:20 pace

And I felt like I could keep going! It is BEAUTIFUL out.

I’m itching to go longer distances. I really think if I’d run on my own today I would have ended up doing 6 miles. It’s perfect running weather for me and I felt good running. These days are few and far between. I can’t promise if there’s another day that lines up like this that I won’t just keep going.

Group Run

Went to the group run tonight - and actually ran with the group. Or attempted to. They left me. But thankfully Sean hung back with my turtle self and we had some great conversation. I felt bad that he was stuck bringing up the back with me while everyone else was packed together. Maybe one day I'll be able to run with the big kids.

The workout afterwards was good. I had a little bit of ankle pain so adjusted a few of the exercises. Hopefully it's nothing.

One of my former neighbors was there tonight. It was awesome to see her and catch up a bit. She was one of the first people I met in Knoxville - and one of the first runners I met here too. If it wasn't for a planned overseas trip, she'd probably end up coming to Tahoe with us. Maybe next year.

Post race... aches?

After the elation of running the entire 5K yesterday, we had to quickly go home, shower and rush back out the door for Abby's birthday party... at the Icearium. Yes - I went ice skating for an hour and a half after running a 5K. Yes - I regretted scheduling  both on the same day. Yes - it hurt. But - I didn't fall on the ice (though Daniel tried his best to take me out once), and I didn't break anything. I will not, however, complain about today being a rest day. Especially since for my birthday gift, my coach got me a new schedule for the upcoming week including hill strides. Yay me.

NEW TRIUMPH!!!!

For the first time in my life - I RAN an ENTIRE 5K!!!!! No walk intervals!!!!!! I'm so excited and absolutely cannot believe it!!!!

There is no way I could have possibly done this without Sean there. Going up the first hill, we started talking about Jason and Tahoe - and I don't think I even noticed the hill until we were at the top. I laughed and asked if we could talk about Tahoe on every hill!

Just as Sean said it was nice that it wasn't raining - it of course began raining. It just added to the laughs though.

It was so nice having him there running with me. I wish I could pack him up and take him with me to every run.

I don't think when Shane and Sean kept telling me I'd be able to run the entire 5K by today I actually believed them. Now that it happened - I'm amazed. I never dreamed of being able to do this. Especially after the 15 months off and all of the medical issues. It wasn't the fastest 5K I've ever done - but the fact that I ran the entire thing more than makes up for the time. I'm really hoping it's not the last time I'm able to do that either!! I've already asked if I could try to PR the 5K at the end of April in my neighborhood. :)

I hate pictures of myself - especially on race day - but I promised I would post at least one. So... no judging... here you go....

AND - as if my excitement over running an entire 5K wasn't enough, check out Daniel's results!!

All in all, I'd say it was a very successful first race back. Looking forward to seeing just how far I can go between now and Tahoe in June!

Last pre-race run!

Just a mile. That's all.

But it's the last mile before running in the 5K race Saturday!

My mile was fine - 11:31. It felt good. I ended up with my neighbor friend, her son, and Daniel all running with me. I felt like I could have gone much faster, but was trying to stay with them and not kill them. Daniel didn't have that kind of patience and left us all in the dust. I hope I feel that good Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, to ease some of the anxiety about running in a race for the first time since Tahoe, my coach has decided to run with me. On one hand - I'm thrilled. I think it will be a lot of fun to have him with me. On the other hand - I'm terrified. What if I mess up big time? What if I fail? In front of him?? But - then again - he is my coach and I'm sure he's seen it all.

Biggest issue with Saturday's race? What to wear!!!!! Oh my goodness - I would do anything to fit into my favorite comfie but cute running gear. Hopefully that day will come before Roanoke's race - or at least by Tahoe's race - but right now I feel like an ogre.

Out of the Comfort Zone

2.02 miles; 24:15; 12:01 pace

And then... did body weight circuit with running group.

I wasn't ready to run with them - especially inside on treadmills - so I did my run on my own and then met the group for the workout after running. It was terrifying. I hate working out in front of anyone - or even with anyone. Plus we were in a room with mirrors on all sides. Yuck.

But - I'm glad I stepped out of the comfort zone and went. Maybe I'll eventually try to run with them too. They seem nice and friendly.

Company in Misery

My day starts with the coach sending an overly happy text reminding me "It's race week!"

Then, a neighbor friend text me and asked if she could join me on my run. She'd seen me out running and wanted to ask me if she could tag along for a while. I was happy to oblige. Sometimes it gets boring and lonely with too much time to think when I'm logging all of the miles on my own.

So, today was my friend's first day back to running in over a year, so we went really slow. But - on the bright side - I had no nerve pain until after I was finished, and it didn't last long and wasn't as bad. Plus -  we had some really good conversation as we ran. We did 6:1 intervals. It was easy. But - it was also much slower than my norm.
1 - 13:39
2 - 13:47
3 - 13:54

So apparently slower = less pain. Noted.

3:02 miles; 41:38; 13:48 pace

Regroup and Try Again

Monday, February 18th

Today went fine. Just really slow with a little more walking. No back pain. A few aches here and there, but nothing major.

2.51 miles; 31:52; 12:41 pace



Tuesday, February 19th

1 mile; 10:58 pace - fastest so far this year
1.02; 11:14

I was not pushing myself or trying to speed up. Once I crossed the street and started on the straight part, I was focusing on form more than anything and trying to get into an easy, comfortable pace that didn't cause pain. When I hit the turn around before the interval beeped, I knew I was going too fast and tried to slow, but it threw me off my form, rhythm and easy pace, so I ended up just going with focusing on form and getting into an easy rhythm that didn't hurt again. I did run the entire mile with no walking - but had to pause a second for cars twice.

No pain while maintaining form. No back pain at all (though it was a little sore this AM when I got up and needed stretching). But my right quad, right ankle and right foot felt off when I wasn't focused on form, or when I was forcing myself to slow down at the turn around. No pain at all after the run. Planning to go to gym for some easy weights and stretching.

Ended up doing 45 minutes of easy weights and then 30 minutes of racquetball with my boys (so not very intense). I'm tired.




Thursday, February 21st

I debated even trying to run today. I didn't sleep much last night, yesterday was absolutely horrible, I was not feeling great all day, and I just wasn't feeling it. I decided to go 1 mile and see how I felt and go from there. I almost stopped like 6 different times.

I ended up running up that same blasted hill at the very end of the run. I ran (slowly) up the entire thing but it took a HUGE effort to keep running afterwards, and it seemed to take forever to recover from the hill and get my breath back. But, then the 3 miles beeped before I realized I'd gone 3 miles - it felt like I still had further to go. As soon as I slowed to a walk, I felt the same pain in my back and my left foot had the nerve pain. I didn't feel it as I was running - it wasn't until I stopped. I stretched and it was better - but the nerve pain stayed a bit and is still easing. I have no idea if it's coming from the stress level, not feeling well, or running up that blasted hill again.

The first mile I tried to just run, but I had to go to the intervals for miles 2 & 3. I just felt really sluggish and off today.

3.02 miles; 37:46; 12:31 pace



Sunday, February 24th

Breakthrough - finally

3.6 miles; 42:15; 11:44 pace

1 - 11:35
2 - 11:37
3 - 11:26
4 - 7.36 (0.6)

ALMOST negative splits!

Today felt good.



Monday, February 25th

My legs are tired & sore - but no pain. My lungs handled it fine - but I was going really slow (or so I thought).

1 - 11:55
2 - 12:05

Thankfully my foot didn't start hurting - even after I got home. But I'm sore. My right knee & quad, my left ankle - just sore spots. Nothing really hurting. Heavy & tired legs for sure.

2.2 miles; 26:24; 12:01 pace



Tuesday, February 26th

40 minutes of total body weight training



Wednesday, February 27th

3.14 miles; 38:28; 12:15 pace

Felt really out of breath the entire run (which was weird). Not sure if it was allergies-sinuses/congestion or if something else was going on. Started with a migraine. A LOT of nerve pain from 2.3 on. This one was hard and didn't feel great.

First mile felt horrible and sluggish - but it was an 11:20 (no walking)
Second mile (with walking) - 12:37
Third mile (with walking) - 12:52

Coach says take tomorrow off to recover. I balked and offered a compromise.

What if I only do 1 mile tomorrow, rest Friday, and then be able to run long Saturday? Sunday's supposed to be the worst day weather-wise.

If I'm still feeling horrible tomorrow I won't do the mile. But if it's possible, I want to.

The nerve pain is what it is. It's not going to get better or worse based on rest days/run days.

He relented.


Thursday, February 28th

1 mile; 12:00
Not bad

Friday - I rested


Saturday, March 2nd

4.08 miles; 51:49; 12:42 pace

1.0 mi 12:16 min/mi 00:12:12
2.0 mi 12:34 min/mi 00:12:31
3.0 mi 12:48 min/mi 00:12:41
4.0 mi 13:11 min/mi 00:13:07
4.1 mi 10:59 min/mi 00:01:00

This wasn't exactly the run I wanted. Especially a week before my 5K race. A lot of walk breaks - and probably slower walk breaks than normal. I started out with the 4.5/1 and then went to 5.5/1 and then 6.5/1, and then tried to do 6/1 for a bit - and it actually was fine. It may be my new go-to when I have to do run/walks.




There wasn't a lot to blog about during this time - but I wanted to let everyone know I was still plugging away at the mileage. Good days, bad days, fast days, slow days - but still going forward.

Speed Bumps

You may have noticed I haven't posted about a run this week. Well...

Apparently last Saturday's awful-feeling run was trying to tell me something. My body is not happy.

After Saturday's run, I nursed some sore muscles and took Sunday to fully rest. Monday, I set out on 2.5 miles with little problem. In fact, it was one of my faster 2.5 miles and I only walked twice for less than 30 seconds each - at the crest of the hill I went up twice.

12:02, 12:22, 6:24 - total of 30:48. It was fine.

Until I got home. As I slowed to a walk and stretched, I had spasms in my back. I stretched and dealt with it - but I've noticed that the pain comes when I am going faster (harder impact) and when I've run up hills. I'm not intentionally trying to speed up. It’s just that running more/walking less has increased my pace a lot on its own. But the problem is - when I’m going this faster pace (from running more) it’s causing a lot more aches and pains, especially in my back. I’ve been comfortable to slightly challenged with the pace in terms of lung capacity and endurance. But when I naturally speed up on level and downhill stretches, I’m feeling a lot more impact. I’ve tried holding back even more on these stretches, knowing that I tend to go faster there, but it hurts my back even more to hold back. I don’t feel like I’m speeding up or notice the faster pace - in fact, I feel like I’m crawling and going slower than 13 most of the time. When trying to hold back and think I’m slowing down to get closer to 13, I still end up near 12-12:30. When I don’t try to hold back and just go, I’m still close to 12-12:30. I get into a minimal effort groove and feel like I’m consistently there when there is no major change in incline. This also varies based on the day lately. Saturday took all-out effort to even go 13, but there was more walking too, and way more variation in incline. The increase in amount of running with no walk intervals is new to me, and is taking a bit of a toll. I’ve never run straight through any run until this past month (usually lungs or nerve pain prevented it). I’ve also never had so much back pain while running as I’ve had in the past two weeks. I've been feeling like I need to strengthen core muscles more to prevent this. I’m just really sore, especially my back. Saturday hurt worse than the half I did in Oct 2017 - but it was also the first time this month that I experienced severe nerve pain while running and was also the first time I tried to run up a huge hill. When I looked back on Monday's run, I had hit a hill twice in that route that I normally run down instead of up. If I go with more hills/inclines, or the steep hill Saturday, that seems to be when the back hurts the most, making me feel like my form is off and the core strength just isn’t there. I feel like I could easily go 5-6 miles running at a 12-12:30 pace right now, if I didn’t have any uphill inclines the entire time, which is never going to happen. So since I can’t run without encountering hills, and hills are hurting my back, I think I need to work on it. And since running more/walking less has made my pace faster, even more so on level and downhill slopes, and it’s making me more sore, especially my back, I think my core needs work.

Along with this came the inevitable, "Don't tell coach or he'll take away miles or runs" - And that’s exactly why I hadn’t really said anything... I don’t want him to pull the extra mile or change what we’re doing.  I told him this but then followed it with - "That being said, you are the coach, and know what you’re doing, so while I may balk and protest, 99% of the time I will listen and comply." I am a planner and get my schedule/routine in my head for several days ahead of time to prep myself for it and feel out how I’m doing medically as I go. I knew going into Saturday that I was making my route harder and probably wasn’t ready for it, but I also knew I was getting bored with my normal route and needed a change-up. As much as I hated it, it helped me pinpoint when and where the soreness was coming from, and helped me figure out when and where things started feeling off. I had already figured on Wednesday’s mile being a simple out and back on Herron, where it’s almost completely level, thus avoiding hills and anything that was gong to create heavy impact. However, I also already bailed on volleyball Tuesday night to give my back an extra day to recover from yesterday. I’m not broken yet, and won’t let it get bad enough to feel that way, but I also don’t want to stop or change things. When things are going well on the run, 2-3 miles is easy, but I don’t think I’m doing enough between runs to help keep it that way. I also had a time crunch and several things going on yesterday when I tried to squeeze my run in, so I didn’t spend as much time on the warmup as I probably should have. Lesson learned the hard way on that one.

Wednesday, I went ahead with the 1 mile run as scheduled and as I had planned. Daniel went with me. He immediately dubbed it the "Sloth Run" as it was so hard to go so slow. We completed the mile in 12:45 (of the planned 14:00). We felt as if we were shuffling so slow that if we attempted to go any slower, we'd no longer be moving forward. It was such an easy run.

And then Thursday happened...

Plan was 2.5 miles. Steady pace around 12:15. Run as much as possible with walking as needed.

Ya'll... I had to bail out on a run. :(

I had to stop running at 1.6. I have double inner ear infections (from sinuses) and started feeling pain in my back on the right side near my kidneys. I didn't want to chance it. I felt fine walking and tried to run again when I started feeling better, but I got the same pain almost immediately so just walked. No pain walking. I ended up going 2.67 miles - walking a mile of it - but I felt awful. The funniest part was - mile 1 was a piece of cake - it was just fine - and was a 12:03 mile. Awesome. Even with walking 1 of the 2.67 miles - my average pace was a 14:38.

However, since Thursday, I have been benched. No running. No working out. No weights. Nothing but rest. It has stunk. Big time. I keep getting told it's just a speed bump to slow me down a bit and regroup, but I hate it. Plus, the rest is not helping the back pain go away - at all. If anything, resting has made it worse. Sometimes I really hate having medical issues and wish my body would just function normally. I just want to be able to run and to enjoy running pain free.

Tomorrow, the plan is to attempt 2.5 again. Today, I plan to stretch like crazy and maybe even get on the elliptical for a very slow mile just to move the running muscles some before going back out tomorrow. I'm almost tempted just to tell myself I'm only doing a mile tomorrow, so that I can wait and decide after that mile if I feel like I can move forward or not.

The best part of this entire ordeal - I had to take Friday off - but then Knox County closed until Thursday - so I have almost an entire week off work to recover and heal. Hopefully the sinuses, ear infections and kidney issues will simmer down in that time and I'll be back to the routine soon.

Until then, struggling to stay positive about the upcoming race season and hoping for the best.

Self Defeat

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had a really awful run. I was bored with my normal route, so decided to change it up a bit. I had no idea what I was getting into.

It started out fine. I left my house feeling ready. I got 1/2 a mile down the road and then my watch decided to let me know it hadn't started. The frustration over the fact that I had just done a really smooth, consistent 1/2 a mile that wouldn't count for anything was the first jab. I quickly got over it and convinced myself I could just explain and fix it later. Kept going. Felt okay. Wasn't the best but I thought if I could just get to the new connection I was heading towards running, I could take a walk break there. That would put me about a mile and a half in.

I made the first turn out of the neighborhood and just felt it was not going to be a great run. I decided to take a walk interval so I could last the rest of the 3 miles. So I walked a minute, then right back into the groove. My first mile was 12:36. Well, technically my first 1.5 miles was in 16:55. But since the first 1/2 mile didn't count.... the first mile my watched actually measured was 12:36. Exactly where I was supposed to be.

Only, I wasn't feeling great. I wasn't getting into a smooth groove. So I took another walk interval. I started hearing myself beating myself up. The negative talk kept coming. I started telling myself "it's fine - GO" "You're FINE" "It's okay - do what you can" - but it was tough.

Second turn from the next neighborhood to turn into the 3rd neighborhood. Uh oh. That was a monster hill. I psyched myself up and promised a walk break at the top. Only I could only see the first half of the hill when I thought that. I made it up the first half and with a sob, slowed to a walk. I literally crawled up the rest of that steep devil.  I was near tears by the time I reached the top. If this was any indication of how the Anthem 10K was going to go, climbing up Mill Mountain, I was in deep trouble. That hill kicked my butt. Big time. I couldn't even start running again when I reached the top and turned onto the street. It took a while before I felt like I could go again. The entire time the negative thoughts were engaged in an all-out battle with the forced positive ones.

I knew a downhill was coming and willed myself to just start jogging slow. I managed to get into a smoother run. I made it down to the next turn and turned onto the block I'd been running for weeks. But I was still near tears. Two miles hit. It was a 13:27. Honestly, this was right near where I was supposed to be for this run, and wasn't horrible. But at the moment, it felt like a disaster.

I went into run:walk intervals a little more frequently to try to regroup. I got back into my neighborhood, made the first turn, then the second. As I started up the tiniest, slightest incline, I began feeling the sheer shooting nerve pain in my left foot, the sore muscles, the backache, the strains, and the stress. I hit the top of the little incline and almost at the exact moment, mile 3 beeped. It was a 13:15. It was a perfect time for my day's training plan. But I was miserable and burst into tears. It took me several seconds to pull it together so I could run, but I continued to spill tears as I ran. I didn't want to go another mile. I was tired. I was hating this run. I was done. But I kept going.

As I got back to the point I knew was 4 miles, my watch only read 3.5. I was irritable and knew it - so I just went ahead and did the extra 0.5 miles so my watch would say 4 miles. As I kept going I kept fighting the negative thoughts and trying to get myself pulled back in. I headed towards one of my favorite segments of most runs, and as my watch finally beeped for 4 miles, I had begun to calm a bit. Mile 4 was in 12:20. How? My last mile was my fastest? I guess I just wanted to finish.

I realized I had just gone 4.5 instead of 4, but I was so not ready to go home yet. I still needed time to calm down and pull it together. So I continued walking towards my favorite segment, and then looped back towards home. I calmed more and more as I went, and the nerve pain in my foot began to subside. I tried to stretch some muscles a bit as I walked. By the time I got home, I felt better, but was so incredibly frustrated with the "bad run."

When I plugged in and the data filled my screen, it showed that I had just done my second fastest 5K since returning to running 5 weeks ago. Again... How? It felt like the worst run ever. How is it possible that it was a "good" run based on the data? I was exactly where I was supposed to be pacing and timing wise. I did a decently consistent 4 miles. But I felt horrible about it.

A million thoughts ran through my mind as I stretched. Maybe I shouldn't have worked out at the gym yesterday. Maybe I was overdoing it. Maybe I was setting too high a goal to run a half-marathon again. Maybe the Anthem 10K was too much too soon. Maybe I should rethink this whole return-to-running thing. Maybe the doctors were right. Maybe I couldn't. Maybe I shouldn't.

As I'm writing this, I know I won't quit. I know I won't give up. I know I'll go out there and run again on Monday. But I'm struggling with putting this run into perspective and not defeating myself and my efforts and progress thus far. I know some run days just plain suck. This was definitely one of them for me. But I also know that there are days like Thursday, when things just click and go so right. We've always had a deal with our team - no giving up after a bad run. If you want to quit, you have to do it after you've had 3 great runs in a row. Giving up isn't an option. I want this too badly to stop now. Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so darn hard or painful. Sometimes I wish my body would just cooperate and function normally. But, then again, the things worth doing aren't the easy things. The things that mean the most sometimes come with the hardest work. I just know one thing for certain - I want to enjoy running in Roanoke and Tahoe. I want to go to both races and know I am prepared and can do it. I want to finish both races smiling. And for that to happen, I have to find a way to get through these bad run days and grow from them. I have to keep going. I have to trust my coach and my intuition. I have to keep running.

Every Day I'm Getting Stronger

Today's run ended with the thought "Every day I AM getting stronger." It didn't start out looking like it was going to end that way. Once again, I proved to myself that even on the days when I think my run is going to be bad or painful, going and trying is far better than not going at all.

This morning was a bit overcast, the pavement was wet, my expected running buddy for the day had a change of plans, my back was a bit sore, and the air was very heavy with moisture. All of this together looked like a recipe for disaster.

I started out by doing a series of warm-ups in the driveway, which was a bit new for me. Typically I just start off slow and use mile 1 as my warm-up, even though it's difficult. Not a recommendation. The warm-up actually helped. A lot.

I headed out and made sure to hold myself back. I wanted to start slow and build on the run. It is so hard to get back into the distance mindset, when I feel like I'm doing sprints.

I settled in by the first interval beep at 4:30 and thought I felt like I could keep going. Until this moment, I hadn't decided what kind of run I was going to do. I was thinking of maybe using the 4:30/1 run/walk intervals, but instead of walking, just slow-running. There was also the thought of "just go and see how far you can get before you have to walk." Then there was, let's just go super slow the whole time and run the whole thing. By 4:30 into the run, I was good with seeing how far I could get running. By 20 minutes into the run, I wasn't about to take a walk interval. It became hard to slow down because I was in such a groove.

Mile one was done in 11:50. A bit faster than I had planned or expected, but not totally overdoing it. Mile two was a 12:16 mile. Still okay. Mile 2-2.6 was at a 11:34 pace, probably a bit fast for what I was supposed to do, but the fact that I was still running at this point, and felt like I could get to 3 miles, was awesome.

31:13 with an 11:58 pace. I'll take it. I really hope and pray this continues. I would love nothing more than to be able to Run the entire 5K on March 9th. What a birthday gift to myself that would be.

Speaking of my birthday run - come join us!! I'll have cupcakes at the finish line for anyone who signs up with team CareRunners or comes to cheer us on at the start/finish area. Daniel & I are running the 5K and my other kids are doing the 1 mile fun run. It's walker-friendly too. Join in the fun!!! Register here -
Solid Rock 5K

It is absolutely gorgeous outside now, so heading out to enjoy the rest of this beautiful, spring-like day.

Sluggish start to February

So February 1st ended up being a rest day. Just feeling a bit sluggish and not ready to hit the ground running.

But, Saturday, the 2nd, I managed a 5K.

3.19 miles. 40:25. Average pace 12:41. Slow, steady but solid. However, I felt awful. I used 3:30/1 run/walk intervals. It was manageable. My legs were heavy & tired, my whole body ached, and headache was constant. But I am glad I did it. I guess if I can manage a 40 minute 5K when I feel awful, I'm doing better than I thought.

And this was somewhat entertaining - I just wanted to finish - so mile 3 was faster than mile 2.

1 - 12:21 (and I said "oops" out loud - didn't think I was going that pace)
2 - 13:13 (had 2 extra walk intervals in there - just wasn't feeling great)
3 - 12:38 (skipped one walk interval because I missed the beep)

Sunday, February 3rd, I ended up going to the gym against everyone's protests. I cut back on my rowing, and only did 1/2 a mile instead of a mile. I also cut back on the weights, using less weight, doing less reps, and doing fewer rounds. I was glad I went. I felt way better afterwards. On top of that, I ran into my coach and we had a great conversation about where we are, where I want to be, how we're going to get there and what we can adjust. He also took me through some stretches and I left feeling immensely better.

Monday. I felt really out of sorts at work. I wasn't 100% by far. It ended up being a highly charged day. At the end of the school day I had a phone conversation with a 9/11 attorney. By the end of that conversation I was an emotional wreck. I had a lot of mixed emotions but the one thing I was convinced of was "I do not want to run today." I just wanted to go sit in a corner and cry. But, I laced up and went out to run anyway. I forgot how wonderful it is to be able to pound out the emotions and frustrations onto the pavement. I didn't even notice the extra half a mile. It felt awesome... like an "I want to go again - right now" kind of awesome. I knew I was not going to run again until Thursday, but I was ready to go, and that feeling was encouraging. Running is the best therapy ever.

On Monday's run I hit 2.52 miles, with a 12:07 average pace and a 30:32 run time. Mile 1 - 11:58, mile 2 - 12:20, 2-2.52 at a 12:02 pace. Sometimes emotions make us faster.

Tuesday is volleyball day. Today it's double day too. My girls had swim at Fort Sanders from 4:15-5, so I headed there directly from school to do some weight training and stretching while the girls were swimming. I got there in a rush, rushed through some quick sets with the weights, felt the muscles screaming about the intensity, grabbed the girls after practice, and headed home. I had an hour at home and then had to rush out to get to volleyball. Since it was so nice out, we decided to play outside on the sand courts. No one prepared us for how cold the sand was though. BRR!!! Definitely not summer yet. But we had a great practice, including some skill drills from one of our teammates who used to coach. By the end of the hour and 15 minutes, I was wiped out. I think I found a way to burn off all of the excess energy I was feeling all day. Maybe having a rest day tomorrow isn't a bad idea after all.

Pretty sure I'm going to sleep great tonight.

31 Days

Today's the day. 31 days of working out without limitations.

31 days.

Today, I celebrated the last day of my "comeback" month with a 2 mile run. No walking. No intervals. A good, solid, consistent RUN. What a way to end the month. I have never in my life been able to run so far or for so long without taking a walk break. I'm not even positive how I managed to get here after 14 months of no physical activity and only 31 days to build up to it. But, I am SO thankful and feel SO blessed to be here.

One month ago today, I could not even run. I could barely walk a mile. There is absolutely no way possible I could have made it through 2 full miles of running today without the support of some amazing people. Sean, Shane, DJ, Diane and Lori have virtually taken every single step with me. I'm so incredibly thankful for them.

31 days. 39+ miles (some walk, some run, some row). 18 1/2 hours. 11,000+ calories burned. 33 workouts logged. What the doctors said would never happen again just happened. And it's going to keep happening and keep getting better. I cannot wait to see where I'm at after the month of February.

Something else to celebrate. I have been absolutely disgusted, frustrated, angry, upset and many other things about my body. I detest what being sick and not being able to work out has done. I hate being swollen and being out of shape. I cry at pictures of myself because I can't believe how fat I look (only in comparison to myself and my normal pre-sickness weight and size). On December 28th, I weighed in at my heaviest weight ever - even heavier than the day before I gave birth to 11 1/2 pounds of twins. I have never been so huge in my life, and the doctors warned that I would just keep swelling and gaining more if I began working out again. I am very happy to say that I have proved them wrong on that account this month too. I have lost 12 pounds in the past 33 days. 12 pounds! That is not my focus and not what my intentions are - but I am so thrilled to see the scale finally showing signs of all of the hard work and effort. I feel better physically, emotionally, psychologically and overall. I haven't changed much about what I eat - I normally eat clean, healthy choices first with some treats here and there. I have noticed that I've had more water out of necessity (I have to be very careful not to dehydrate) and less tea, lemonade or soda. I've had less chocolate and sugary snacks - they just don't appeal to me at all anymore. But I basically have the same healthy diet I've always had. It's the sheer amount of calories I'm burning that is making the scale move. I hope as I'm able to tolerate longer and harder workouts, the scale keeps moving down. I'd love to be able to say I'm happy with my weight again. I don't ever expect to be tiny again - but I would love to be in the "normal" range for my height and build.

This has been an amazing uphill climb over the past 31 days. I can't wait to climb higher still. Praying that my body will continue to cooperate and allow me to keep working out and running. Praying the doctors don't put a sudden stop to it all. And praying that I continue to be able to find these little nuggets of success to celebrate to keep me motivated. I want these two races so bad. Everything in me longs to have a good, happy, enjoyable race on both race days. I just want things to go right for once. Some days that means I have to keep myself from complaining about being held back when I want to do more - trusting that I'm being kept healthy and injury-free. Some days it means pushing myself when I'm afraid or just not feeling it. Some days it means taking a day off and doing nothing. Again, I'm so very thankful to have an awesome team in my corner keeping my head on straight and keeping me focused on the long term plan.

Bring on the next 31 days!!

"Snow" Day = GYM Day

School canceled for potential snow storm. Literally woke up, looked out the window, and said "How lame." Nothing. No snow to play in. But - day off!!!! I get to go to the gym at a normal hour!!

I spent the morning cleaning out and organizing our pantry. It was a long overdue task that needed to get done. Then, I made the announcement that I was getting ready to go to the gym and if anyone wanted to come, they needed to be at the door and ready when I got there. Teen boys that they are, my boys wanted to stay home and play on the Xbox. But my girls were ready to roll. So off we went.

I dropped the girls off quickly in their Kid City area and headed to the rowing machine. I got in a quick mile for warm up and then decided to do triple sets with decreasing weight on my normal round of machines. On a few of the machines, I was able to add a few pounds more than normal. My strength is finally returning. I pushed myself, and I mean pushed. By the end of 55 minutes, my arms and legs felt like jelly and I could not stop smiling. I miss having 2 hours a day to spend at the gym. I can't wait for summer vacation. At least the girls start swim next week so I can get in 45 minutes to an hour twice a week again. But nothing compares to those summer swim days when I can take everyone to practice and go work out for an hour and swim laps for an hour. That is my happy time.

I'm not sure how happy my body will be tomorrow... but I'll definitely sleep well tonight!